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AIBU?

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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Evilmorty · 28/10/2019 13:21

jay55 100% this

Redwinestillfine · 28/10/2019 13:22

If your son witnessed the argument that puts a whole different spin on things. You need to teach him how to not be taken advantage of, and show him you have his back if she's been accusing him.

InTheFrightGardenTonight · 28/10/2019 13:23

Like @MsPepperPotts I was going to say that I bet the cut was there already.

I have twice in my life (that I can think of, off the top of my head) had clothes that had holes in them that I didn't notice until after I'd worn them.

One time it was a nice cardigan that had a slash on the sleeve. I suspect it had happened when someone was opening packaging or something.

You don't tend to notice when trying things on because you're not looking for/expecting it. Not like you would when buying something second-hand.

That's not the problem here of course; the problem is your "friend" deciding that it was you who did it. Most odd. But it might help you to understand how her coat might appear to have been cut rather than ripped.

diddl · 28/10/2019 13:23

So you're good enough for somewhere cheap to live & that's about it?

If it wasn't for you she probably couldn't even have afforded the Barbour.

She should just be getting it fixed & being thankful for everything that you've done, even if she does think that it's your son.

The point is though that it hasn't been solely hanging in your house in which case she might have a point.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 13:25

Tell her to get out of your house, rude cunt!

This with bells on.. and STOP trying to understand someone who is twisted and unstable.

Tell her to move out today, she's a seriously rude fucker.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 13:25

What about your partner? Isn't it his house, too? What does he think?

jillandhersprite · 28/10/2019 13:26

I am both shocked and angry at your outburst earlier today. You seem to have wound yourself up that someone in this house has deliberately cut your coat when there is no proof that a) it was a deliberate cut rather than some kind of accident or b) that it happened in this house. You have clearly been stewing over this for a while and from our conversation I can see that you will not even consider that no one in this house was involved in this. Which leaves us in a very uncomfortable situation - you have had longer to think about this - what do you propose happens next?

ChikiTIKI · 28/10/2019 13:26

Oh dear I hope a good resolution comes out of this mess. I think you both need a good long talk where she tells you what's actually wrong and you discuss it together. Otherwise it doesn't seem likely the friendship will repair itself.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 13:26

p.s. Spending money on a Barbour jacket when she is saving for a place to stay, just proves how STUPID she actually is.

messolini9 · 28/10/2019 13:27

Can anyone help me with a calm rational text?

Yes.

"Friend, I hope you can understand how upsetting it is for you - someone whose friendship I have valued for 20 years - to believe that I or any of my close family would have done anything so mean.

I have been happy to help you out recently, as you are one of the friends I knew I could count on for mutual support over the years. But it's made me very unhappy to be accused of doing anything so mean & destructive ... this is so out of character for you, I can only wonder what has prompted you to view me or mine as people who would behave as you have accused us of.

I can only imagine that you are feeling under pressure with the recent move & job change, & that your hurtful accusation has been prompted because at some point over the past couple of days you have reached the end of your tether ....? )
Or are feeling unable to cope ..?
Or are imagining some resentment from my family ... even though I can assure you, apart from this strange claim about your coat, none of us have resented you being here at all ...?

When you are feeling calmer, please just talk to me about what is going on with you. 20 years is a long time, & I can only hope that you know me much better than to genuinely believe that I, or my relatives, would ever damage your property or have any illwill toward you. On the contrary, we have enjoyed hosting you & seeing you succeed with your new job. Let's talk tonight - love, Lana

RavenLG · 28/10/2019 13:27

I'd say something like "I've welcomed you into my home, you're part of the family, we've been there for you when you needed someone and you're paying a pittance to us in living expenses. I did all this because you we're a friend, which is why this hurts so much that you think someone that has done all of that would maliciously damage your clothing. Can you explain why you think someone who has shown you nothing but love and friendship would do something like that?

Or I'd tell her to fuck off and move in with barbour boy because she's a user and a cunt and they can live happily waxing their jackets and being smug tossers together! ...depending on my mood.

jillandhersprite · 28/10/2019 13:27

Puts the onus on her but with no obligation on you to accept what she suggests next... But I think the friendship has been killed...

SandAndSea · 28/10/2019 13:27

she clearly thinks of me like that doesn't she?

Remember whose eyes she is seeing this through.

VeganCow · 28/10/2019 13:29

Its hard to challenge and argue with someone who has been a good friend for so long, I dont see you as being timid. This situation has been placed at your feet, unwanted, unasked for and unwarranted, as well as out of the blue. I think anyone would be floored.

As for what to say next, well if it were me I would tell her that it needs sending to Barbour for inspection, and I would hope they come back and say its a rip not a cut.

DarlingNikita · 28/10/2019 13:30

Can anyone help me with a calm rational text?

No, I think you need to speak face to face. This is too weird and convoluted for a text. Anyway, tone etc is so easy to misconstrue in texts.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/10/2019 13:31

If i had an expensive jacket I wanted to keep in extra nice condition i would never hang it up with a dozen other coats, it would go on a hanger in my room.

I think she's decided she's going up in the world with her nice new job and new house and you are all now below and can be treated as such.

I also wouldn't send any text, just leave her to it and give her a weeks notice to move out when she next contacts you. Even long-time friends don't get to upset my children in their own home.

mankyfourthtoe · 28/10/2019 13:31

Ignoring the damage issue

Imagine you're staying with a friend at a really cheap rent, you've got a new job and are saving up, you've got enough spare cash that you can afford a posh coat.
You're hosts are more skint than usual, doing a meal plan.
Do you
A, continue to take food from them
B, buy a load of food for them
C, give them extra rent this month

And then there's D, accuse them of damaging your posh coat...

Piffle11 · 28/10/2019 13:31

I don't think you owe this friend anything, in terms of understanding or wondering where she'll go if you ask her to leave. She is accusing you of being jealous, and/or accusing you one of your family of deliberately and vindictively cutting her coat. Why has she decided that it was done in your house? Is it because she thinks she can guilt you into stumping up to replace it? If I thought that someone had cut my coat, there's no way I would presume it was my friend or her family, rather than a colleague or stranger. Or I would presume it had caught on something - if it caught on something sharp, then it's possible that it was a clean cut (which you now only have her word for, since it is now conveniently frayed). The fact that she has blamed you/your family shows how little she regards you - in spite of you doing her this massive favour. She thinks you are a soft touch, OP. I really don't know any decent person who would realise their coat was ripped and decide to blame their friend. Tell her to move out, and tell her she can stick her 'that shows you're guilty' attitude up her arse.

pizzicato · 28/10/2019 13:33

It's Mr Uphimself whats dun it. He's ripped the coat and is now sitting back rubbing his hands and watching the fireworks !

theoriginalmadambee · 28/10/2019 13:33

Yy @mankyfourthtoe

  • A, continue to take food from them B, buy a load of food for them C, give them extra rent this month

And then there's D, accuse them of damaging your posh coat...*

FrancisCrawford · 28/10/2019 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 13:36

Wait until she gets back, and ask to speak with her.

Keep it simple and low drama.

Say to her, 'I just need to follow up on earlier. You've accused me of being a vandal and a liar. I'm floored, to be honest. Any ideas where we go from here?'

And then complete silence. Leave the ball completely in her court.

This is her problem. She needs to come up with the solution. Not you.

Killmeelmo · 28/10/2019 13:36

I think the fact she never bothers to invite you anywhere even with mutual friends is quite telling of how she sees your friendship tbh. Surely that should be the least she could do given that she's living virtually rent free?

Roussette · 28/10/2019 13:37

OP can I ask how big the rip is? Are we talking inches or a centimetre or what?

If this were me, I wouldn't in a million years think to blame anyone, I would just be wondering how I managed to rip it.

messolini9 · 28/10/2019 13:39

Also wondering why she hasn't accused to other friend whose house she took it to. (I don't like this friend- he's a snob- he's also the one whose jacket they "tested" on)

Ye Dogs, the plot thickens.
@LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut, despite your perfectly understandable hurt & rage, you have been adamant about how out of character this behaviour is from your friend.
Now that she has (concocted?) told you this highly unlikely tale, I am wondering how much influence Male Snob Friend has over her? Might he be jealous/vengeful/shit-stirrey, & be encouraging her in her bizarre accusation?

Starting to get a bit fucking angry now actually.
I'm really not suprised my dear. I would be too.
But with 20 years of otherwise solid chumship, would certainly not make the next step any kind of harsh ultimatum as some pp's suggest.
I suspect your friend is on the edge of breakdown, & that Snob Friend is not helping. Any kind of 3rd party REAL friend would have looked to calm the situation, not stoke it. I wonder what kick Snob Friend is getting out of this shitshow - when the responsible, REAL friendship here would have been to try & soothe ruffled feathers & point out 'how kind & accommodating Lana has been, as you know she always is' ...?