Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

Interesting, because you come across on this thread as very timorous and afraid to challenge even someone who's behaving absolutely outrageously -- what's making you behave so differently with her, if you're normally assertive

Because it's a very old friendship, she's never done this before.

Because she's done me huge favours in the past and I just saw the current livind arrangements as paying that back.

Because I'm fucking floored by this, it was completely out of the blue.

But you are right.

All the people pointing out how much of a mug I've been are right.

I thought I was helping out a friend, but it has turned into a piss take hasn't it?

I'm just so fucking hurt that it's hard to put my big girl pants on right now....but I fucking need to don't I??

I need to get really really fucking angry cos reading some of your takes on this I am an idiot for being so trusting in this one person when I wouldn't anyone else.

As they say, 'No good deed ever goes unpunished'- tell her to leave

Dear A,
I would like you to think very carefully about what you are blaming me for just now, why do you really think that one of us would deliberately cut your coat?
I was very happy with you staying here and would have certainly let you know if I had any issue with it. I am so upset by this, saddened and at a loss over this.
I feel like the "test" that you did with your friend has provided false evidence and he has steered you in the wrong direction by trying to pin the blame on me.
This so hurtful and unexpected, your friendship has meant a lot to me over the years and I am at a loss what to do.
Lana.

.

BTW

Honestly you are no mug. You’ve been blindsided and that’s not your fault. No wonder you’re reeling.

So it seems no-one said anything to her along the lines of "Come on, you've got a great friendship with Lana. Think about how you can keep that going."
Or if they did, she's ignored them.

Does she have stupid friends who might have done it for a laugh? Or who might even think it's a laugh to tell her it must have been you?

Whatever, tell her it definitely wasn't done by anyone in your home and, if she thinks that, she needs to leave.

Important to note there are a couple of types of Barbour.

1. A padded, fabric jacket.
2. A Waxed cotton jacket.

Whilst both will absolutely rip type 1 is more likely as it's just thin fabric. DH has a thing for Wax Belstaff (similar type of coat) and almost all of his have gained little nicks in them over the years. Part of the charm of them.

Either way you're mate is batshit.

It's not about the coat. When you talk to her don't make it about the coat.....
'I was a bit surprised by your accusations earlier. I was actually planning on talking to you because you had seemed very distant. We have been friends a long time and I thought we trusted each other and could talk about anything. If there's anything going on you want to talk through I am here for you but I think that given your recent behaviour it's best that we have some space.

I would text:

Friend, I’m really upset after this morning and also completely baffled. It’s really strange you’d think anyone in my family would deliberately damage your coat. Why on earth would we? I cannot guarantee it hasn’t been accidentally caught on something but you seem absolutely adamant this could not have happened accidentally- either here or out and about. We’ve opened our home to you and you’re accusing us of deliberately damaging your things. I can’t understand it. I’m really hurt.

It is absolutely bizarre, and I agree quite paranoid, I can't imagine even thinking this about any of my friends! The fact she's gone around conducting experiments is even stranger.

I would absolutely send a text about how devastated you are that she would think such a thing, as for telling her to get out I guess that depends on what you want? I wouldn't be able to live with someone who thought this of me but if you do want to try and resolve it without her leaving you could say something like "if we are going to continue with you living with us we do need to resolve this".

Chuck her out. She's no friend.

This & similar posts from others, is very black & white thinking.

OP has clearly stated that she IS a friend, of 20 years standing & a history of mutual favours & support throughout that time.

Instead of a knee-jerk reaction of offended chucking-out, which would certainly damage the friendship even further, I would suggest a series of gently-voiced queries about this friend's mental health.

The incident - from a person who knows the OP & her family very well - is so irrational that I would guess that OP's friend has reached tipping point.

However, this is MN AIBU, so of course there is going to be a chorus of punishment-led recommendations to cut the friend off entirely while screaming accusations of CF-ery at her ...

@LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut - this is very hard for you. Totally weird, & whatever has prompted the behaviour, it is going to cause you some stress. Never mind the baying for blood from a few pp's - YOU are the only person on this thread who knows your friend well enough to assess whether she is acting out some invented projection, or just about to lose her marbles.

Ir seems highly unlikely that she has in fact managed to disguise her true personality from you for 2 decades, & has just now engineered a situation imagined by one pp - that she cut the coat herself in an attempt to rip you off for a replacement. Come off it! - I imagine you know her well enough to decide on the course of action you take.
for you as whatever has motivated this bizarre turn of events, the fallout is not going to be easy for you to manage.

I'm really stunned she has been badmouthing you to other people and then telling you they agree with her. Or that you know this so-called snotty friend looking down on you. Or how she doesn't invite you out with them. Or that she bloody ate any of your £30 food. Or that she bought a £200 jacket when she knows you're eating on £30.

I had an old friend of 20+ years move in with me. It massively changed the dynamic, I saw how much she drank in the evenings, how she wasted her money while I was paying for everything, it threw up huge resentments for her because she didn’t really understand my lifestyle and began to compare us (we have very different tastes and interests).

We did get over it but every now and again I can tell when she is going through something stressful because she begins to start the “and why do you like that band? How can you have ever even begun to have gotten in to them? And who on earth would you be going to see them with?” type questioning because she measures herself against me because we’ve know each other so long and had very similar experiences but taken very different paths. It’s to do with how she views herself.

Anyway all that was just to illustrate that living together can change a friendship. I personally think it’s time to call it a day and you just need to say “given how you think of us, I’m sure you don’t want to stay anyway, so let’s pack your things up next Friday”

Take some scissors to the jacket and cut out the words “Not us, cunty chops!”

Thank fuck for the vipers.

I don't know what exactly I'm going to do yet.

The worse thing is....it's half term here and DS is at home...has witnessed the row and is really upset and I don't know what to say to him, plus I'm now fucking neglecting him cos I'm upset and posting on MN!

I know you want to salvage the friendship but it doesn't seem like she does. I suspect accidental rip in a coat she paid a lot for and feels guilty over as you are effectively subbing her your home for dirt cheap.

If i was your dad, husband or son i would be pissed at bring accused too and want her to leave.

Has she been in touch? My money is on a demand for a new coat or the money will be next - 'Just claim on your homeowner's insurance!' She's already working towards it 'everyone agrees this is how the coat was damaged'.

Sorry but this isn't a friendship, this is a convenience for her. No friend lets you work out how to make your last £30 work for food whilst living in the house, not covering the bills and spending out on a special jacket whist apparently desperately saving. She's taking you for a complete mug. That aside the jacket issue, are you really going to let a woman live in your house who has accused you of stabbing her jacket? She thinks that little of you and your jealousy for her, or you child or your partner or your dad whoever she thinks it is are you really happy to make your family live with someone who thinks of them like that? She needs to go now, you can't let this go quite and have this woman spoil Christmas by making an atmosphere for your family. She's been slagging you off to others behind your back, seriously what are you thinking.
"x I am still in shock about our conversation this morning, I was under the impression that you were happy here and greatful to stay here while you saved and the idea that you believe that one of my family would do this is outrageous. Obviously the situation is unable to continue as I know you would not want to live with people who you think could destroy your things and I cannot have someone around my child who would accuse them of such a thing.
Please let me know when you've made alternate living arrangements. I've never been so shocked or insulted so I'll try to avoid speaking to you at the moment as it wouldn't be productive. "

I very much doubt your friendship can survive this but there is no way, in the short term, she can stay in your home. Perhaps some time, distance and talking can resolve this if you both really want that, but, today, she’s going to have to go.

I don’t even think you should say anything more in your defense. You didn’t do it. Don’t labour it or justify her accusations by even responding. Just talk about how you want to move forward ie you won’t have her in your house anymore. It’s much stronger to say I didn’t do it and I’ve told you that, the end, than continually plead your innocence.

So called friends can surprise you. I had a huge falling out with a friend of many years completely out of the blue. She had stayed with us while she was job hunting and my DH had helped her out with job applications and interview prep. She later had a complete meltdown at me for not being able to make her birthday party (it was 200 miles away and I genuinely couldn't afford the train ticket) saying of course I could, I owned my own house and I obviously looked down on her as she rented and was single and basically that I was a pretentious snob.

I was completely floored and incredibly upset as it came out of nowhere and wasn't true at all. What I eventually realised is that the falling out was about her and her own insecurities and paranoia, we are no longer friends.

A real friend would not even think something like that. The fact that she feels you capable of such a thing tells you all you need to know about how she views your "friendship". I would get her out of your house ASAP.

I worked in textile manufacturing for many years...
There is a high probability that the coat may have a manufacturing fault.

The fabric could have had a cut in the fabric at the time they did the pattern cutting and it failed the quality inspection before it had the wax coating applied which has then hidden the small cut.

With a few wears of the coat the small cut has eased itself apart and the fault has appeared.

I had a similar thing happen with a pair of M&S Per Una Jeans(obviously not waxed) developed a very small cut and began to fray. Only worn a couple of times in the house and as I live alone I knew there was no way I had cut them or anyone else.
I took them back to the store and explained what I thought had happened in the manufacturing process. They replaced them a new pair and the second pair have been washed and worn dozens of times and are still going strong 6years later.

Ps you must give her the chance to carry some responsibility. When you meet, just say “this is some pickle. I hate us fighting. How are we going to fix this?”

Then you’ll basically know where you stand

I'm trying really hard to work out her end game, but it makes no sense She surely realises her accusations have/will make her staying with you uncomfortable (if not untenable) so, regardless of whether you accept responsibility/pay for the coat or not, she has still shot herself in the foot and put the roof over her head at risk.

I think I would send; 'Really not sure where we go from here. You seem utterly convinced I/we have done this and I am equally sure we have not. Given that there really is no middle ground here how are you envisaging this situation is resolved? I'm struggling to see how we can continue to live together when you clearly think I am dishonest and I feel betrayed and maligned by you. I will leave it to you to make suggestions but this absolutely must be resolved immediately as I am not prepared to have a bad atmosphere in my home'.

I think she has always seen you as beneath her, someone she helps out, bestows generous gifts on and really can't handle that you are doing her a favour.
So she has made up this situation so she can put you back in your place, bitch about how dreadful you are to all her friends, justify in her mind that you are still in awe of her and so jealous of her stupid fucking coat.

And thanks for all the stories of other friends who have done equally batshit things, it really helps to know I'm not the only one this kind of shit happens to.

Honestly if I was reading this thread as someone else it'd be sooooo much fucking easier to be harsh and angry, but when you are in the middle of it it's just so complicated.