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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 28/10/2019 12:57

I read your op and my immediate thought was: It's not about the coat, something else is going on but you're not a mindreader. I would be reluctant to throw away a 20yr old friendship but would also be feeling very hurt by her accusation. I would ask her if she's ok and is there anything else that's upsetting her that she wants to talk about.

She may or may not open up, but if she starts arguing about the coat again I'd ask her to leave.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 12:57

God some of your posts are really making me re evaluate this friendship.

But then I think, she's always gone out of her way to get DS lovely presents, she's been more of an Aunt to him than his actual one could ever be, she's always here for his birthday (her Dad makes his cakes ffs!) and then I am confused again.

But yeah, the way some pp's are seeing this is making me see it through a different lens.

Normally I'm such an assertive person, have no problem saying what I think, going ovaries out and fucking challenging people, so why has this made me feel so fucking shit??

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/10/2019 12:58

You can’t “salvage” a friendship when a friend accuses you/your family of such a thing. Unless perhaps she apologises profusely.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 12:58

Wouldn't give her a penny for the coat. You didn't damage it.

thenightsky · 28/10/2019 12:58

Tell her to shove her 'time-frame' up her arse. Cheeky cow. The coat has travelled in cars and she's most likely caught it in the door. I'm furious on your behalf OP!

Roussette · 28/10/2019 13:00

Yes, good point. She could've caught it in the car or whatever.

I just don't understand how she's gone from 'oh SHIT, look what I've done to my coat' to
'Lana did it'

CatteStreet · 28/10/2019 13:00

You're just scraping by, have this woman in your home for rent that doesn't cover your increase in bills (AIUI from your PPs), she knows this and not only does she not offer to pay more or redouble her efforts to find alternative arrangements, she busy an expensive coat and then attempts to push you into grovelling and/or paying for a replacement? (Perhaps - maybe a bit far-fetched, but so is her behvaiour - she even did it herself and is intending to get money from you and use it for something else?).

This goes beyond self-absorption and even contempt and into cruelty, actually.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 13:00

She munched food when she knew you had 30 quid to eat off. She dumps you for better offers/doesn't invite you, she's obviously made it known to you that some of her friends look down on you, she's gone grousing about this fucking coat to others and then told you they agree with her, she spunked loads on a coat whilst she knows you have #30 to eat on and pays you a pittance. Wow. Just wow.

KindOranges · 28/10/2019 13:00

Normally I'm such an assertive person, have no problem saying what I think, going ovaries out and fucking challenging people, so why has this made me feel so fucking shit??

Interesting, because you come across on this thread as very timorous and afraid to challenge even someone who's behaving absolutely outrageously -- what's making you behave so differently with her, if you're normally assertive?

CatteStreet · 28/10/2019 13:01

BUYS an expensive coat, obviously.

verticality · 28/10/2019 13:01

"No one would pay for something they haven't damaged."

just say "I'm paying this so that you can't accuse me of damaging something and not paying for it to mutual friends. It is not an admission of guilty - I didn't do it, but I'm not having you badmouthing me to other people. It's also a payment to signal that our friendship is now over. I took you into my house, fed you and looked after you, and you've repaid me by slandering me. I never want to hear from you again".

KanelbulleKing · 28/10/2019 13:01

I wouldn't be sending her any messages. Leave it to her to approach you to fix the mess she has created. If she hasn't apologised within a few days tell her to leave. She's the one who has created trouble so the onus is on her to fix it, not you.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 13:01

And like fuck am I paying for the coat...that's a definite NO, even if I am struggling with dealing with the accusation/row/friendship part.

No one in this house touched it.

I will not fucking pay for it when I can barely afford to live.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/10/2019 13:02

One message, asking her to leave.

PippiDeLena · 28/10/2019 13:02

Some emotionally immature people can't face feeling vulnerable, or like somebody is 'getting one over' on them, so they secretly take offense at something ridiculous, wind themselves into a frenzy thinking about it for days / weeks then explode in anger at the unsuspecting focus of their outrage. It's so they don't have to feel uncomfortable emotions like gratitude or guilt.

It's not you OP, it's her. This living situation obviously isn't working if she thinks you're knifing her belongings the minute her back is turned. Say you both need some space and she should find somewhere else to live.

Peanutbutterforever · 28/10/2019 13:03

Barbours rip and get holed all the time! I don't know if they are weak, or if it's just because we wear them when working with dogs, horses, brambles and fencing. Barbour provide a mending service because of this, it's almost a badge of honour!

Your friend sounds horrible. Flowers

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/10/2019 13:04

I would have to text her and say that when she gets 'home' you want a word with her.
The word would include these points:

  1. You are so very disappointed that she would think so little of you or anyone in your family to believe them or you capable of damaging her belongings.
  2. That her 'sitting on this for a week' comes so completely out of the blue that you just don't understand how she is willing to jeopardise your friendship and your hospitality for the sake of a cut on a coat. It probably got snagged on a nail or low branch or fence or wall or something and it looks like it does because she didn't notice it at the time and it has begun to fray at the edge of the cut.
  3. That you have taken her in, charged her a paltry amount in rent for a roof over her head and if she really feels that you or someone in your house could have damaged her coat, she really has to go, if only to protect her other possessions from possible damage.

She sounds bitter and jealous (based on these posts) and if you want to have any sort of friendship after this, she has to leave to be able to preserve what bit of friendship this might be.

purplepalace · 28/10/2019 13:04

she knows we have no savings, she knows we just about scrape through each month with just about the odd spare tenner

She's using you, she's buying expensive costs and gossiping about you to her posh friends.

My suggested text:

'Dear X, after 20 years of friendship I am devastated as furious to think that you think me (or my family) are capable of damaging your property. That vindictive thought would never even cross my mind, I find it disturbing to say the least. I adored you and cannot understand why you think I'd want to hurt you in any way, my family and I have opened our home and our hearts to you and we have been nothing but happy to have you here. As you will
Understand I cannot have you under my roof any longer, you think I am a vandal and a liar. Please remove your things from my home immediately and return your keys.'

LipSyncForYourLife · 28/10/2019 13:04

Take some scissors to the jacket and cut out the words “Not us, cunty chops!” Stick them in a moving out card for her.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 13:05

Oh, seriously, fuck giving her 200 fucking quid for a jacket the OP didn't damage! The 'friend' is already badmouthing her. What a cow!

AdultFishcakes · 28/10/2019 13:05

are you going to text her requiring a pre get home chat?

Roussette · 28/10/2019 13:06

verticality no really don't agree. Even if you say 'I'm not guilty of this' when paying out £££ for something, it is still an admission of guilt.

And look how much she will love saying to Barbour Boy and the other random friends 'SEE, I KNEW she did it, she's paid out!!'

PlanningApplication · 28/10/2019 13:07

Well at least that's one less Christmas present to buy OP. Treat yourself to some new scissors instead in case she comes knocking

SirVixofVixHall · 28/10/2019 13:07

This is so peculiar OP. I think in your place I would be equally hurt, bewildered and angry. Her taking the jacket to other friend’s houses to get an opinion on whether it is a rip or a cut is beyond strange.
Someone could have snipped it on the tube etc, out of mischief or malice. More likely is that it got caught in something in work or wherever , while hanging on the back of a chair.
If my friend of TWENTY YEARS believed I was the sort of deranged, spiteful person who would take a pair of scissors to a coat rather than have a conversation......well, how do you get over that ?

I think you need to talk to her, tell her that you are astonished and very hurt that she thinks you or your family are capable of such a thing.

It is such bizarre behaviour that I wondered about her mental health tbh.
If I found a split in a coat of mine after staying with my best friend, i would assume I had caught it on something, or at the very worst that a child had accidentally snipped it while cutting something else. I mean, really, what sort of person takes a scissors to the hem of their oldest friend’s smart coat ? It would be creepy, ask her if she really believes you are that malicious and sinister Op ?
Could she be having some kind of breakdown ?

RockinHippy · 28/10/2019 13:07

It culminated in a bit of an argument where the friend one day without warning just basically accused h of being up herself and smug in her big fancy house and making friend feel small.

From personal experience, I second it been this🔝

I also fell out with a very long time close friend after a bizarre argument over a coat she had given me years earlier. I even posted on here about it, think it was 50/50😂 but some missed the point that it wasn't the argument itself, it was the way she kicked off at me when she knew I was very ill at the time. She hadn't stayed with me, but what was actually behind her explosion & weirdness was the same thing. We've never spoken since, but via mutual friends I later found out that she also thought me smug with my big house, good income etc. I knew from younger conversations that we thought differently about some things, she made it clear that she couldn't understand why I'd give up a council flat to buy privately when I could afford too, or even why I'd want to put so much into work. I enjoyed my work, she didn't understand that, but I didn't see it as a problem per se & it didn't come up often, but turned out it was a huge problem for her & she resented me for it