Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Potnoodledoo · 28/10/2019 21:23

Take back control.Tell her not to bother coming back.She can pick her stuff up next weekend.

And so what if she badmouths you,shes being doing that already.You dont want to be friends with someone like that.She thinks so little of you,plus if a partner treated you like that,you would fling them out on their ear.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 28/10/2019 21:24

Actually I would just text her one word, “NO”.

At least this thread has shown me one thing, I’ll never waste my money on a Barber.

Pinkarsedfly · 28/10/2019 21:24

Lock the door, leave the key in the lock. Balls to her.

CleopatraTomato · 28/10/2019 21:25

GrimalkinsCrone - that seems to be the best way forward. No-one needs that much drama. If the friend wanted to sort this out she would. OP needs to focus on her lovely family now, give her friend notice to leave but keep things civil and nice, (for everyone's sake).

user1471549213 · 28/10/2019 21:25

Wow she doesn't sound like a friend at all OP. I would be so disappointed if I were in your shoes.

I think I would have to text her something along the lines of: well I'm glad you can stay out and enjoy yourself this evening. I on the other hand have been very upset by your accusations earlier and would really have appreciated if you'd come back to sort this out before now. I thought our 17 years of friendship would have meant more. Clearly I am wrong though. I honestly don't know where this leaves us now.

StanleySteamer · 28/10/2019 21:26

As she is currently staying in your house, why not draw up a flatshare/houseshare agreement, part of which is a reasonable rent, not the pisstake she is on at the moment. Tell her it is is obvious the relationship has changed and economically you need to move forward, you cannot any longer afford to allow her to live with you with such low contributions from her.
Also add a paragraph in which her possessions are not to be left lying around in parts of the house other than her room and that "You and other people in the house will not be held responsible for any loss or damage to her property if she leaves it out." In other words, take charge and change the dynamic. She can hardly bitch about being asked to pay a fair rent. If she does then what is she bitching about? Being asked to stop freeloading? As has been said before, why not fuck off and live with Barbour Boy or one of her other Barbour Buddies/Bitches? (Wonder how long it would be before one of them takes the scissors to her clothes!) This gives her a reason to move out, which is not your fault. AND if she says "I cannot afford to move out" then she'll massively lose face which it appears is all she cares about. so she'll probably move in and freeload off another friend and call you the bitch from hell. Do you really care? A REAL friend would never behave like this. She may have been a friend once but all of the behaviour you have described to us indicates that she is a freeloader, a show off, a patroniser and someone who likes to have someone else she can look down her snotty nose at.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/10/2019 21:26

I’d reply back something along the lines of-

After everything I’ve done for you, we’ve done for you. We’ve given you somewhere safe to stay, we’ve given you support to save, we’ve never asked for much from you and none of that has ever bothered us because I thought we were like family.

I cannot believe you’ve shown me so much disrespect with your accusations based around a £200 coat. I feel thoroughly hurt by your behaviour made even worse by the fact you don’t respect me enough to come home and talk about it.

Your behaviour is really out of character and since you’re not willing to show me any respect, I’d like you to stay out tonight. Please let me know what time is best tomorrow for you to come collect the rest of your belongings.
After such an obscene accusation I no longer feel comfortable with you in my home.
How dare you.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 21:29

Hey....
Took advice and just ignored her.
(I suspect she won't actually come back tbh)

Had enough of this shitty saga myself tbh for tonight...........

Thank you all for being lovely/ evil/ vipers.

I promise I will update in the morning when I have spoken with her.

Sorry I can't reply to everyone right now but I'm bloody knackered, I have read (and in some cases giggled) at everyone.

Flowers Cake for all you lot.

OP posts:
purplepalace · 28/10/2019 21:29

'I'm disappointed that you couldn't be bothered to come back and sort this out, after the incredible accusation you made this morning we are all very upset and very confused, but mostly really sad.

I'm sure you don't want to continue to live here, with people you consider to be vandals and liars, and we don't want to host someone who could accuse us of that either.

Please could you let me know when you will be returning to collect your things and return your key.'

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 28/10/2019 21:30

Don't reply OP.

Just go to bed. She is a brat. Eating your potatoes when she was angry with you was very entitled!

I agree with others that she's dialling back on the precise accusation but not with any apology for having made the accusation in the first place. She's trying to reframe it as being far more vague than an accusation, trying to frame it that she suggested it could only have been you and you got defensive Confused I think she's realising that she will have nowhere to stay soon so she wants it to die down a bit but isn't doing anything to take back her accusation or apologise.

She does sound a brat.

Span1elsRock · 28/10/2019 21:31

Don't reply. Her response is the reason why I wouldn't have engaged with it in the first place.

She's still the RIngmaster here, out having a good time and you're the one feeling upset and awkward.

Time to go cold. Cold as Ice. She will either move out (which she's probably arranging tonight) or she will realise she's cut her nose off and apologise. But don't make either easy for her.

paw1977 · 28/10/2019 21:31

I would reply yes we can discuss what day you are moving out tomorrow

Lhastingsmua · 28/10/2019 21:32

I guess your next response would depend on whether you think the friendship can be salvaged, is it to premature to end it now/kick her out etc. I suppose you’ll have a better idea after your next conversation & whether she’s apologetic or rude. Weird one.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 28/10/2019 21:33

PS agree that she'll try and reframe it as you the defensive aggressor kicking her out. So the less you say the better. I'd stick to the very disappointed stance and don't say anything too dramatic, nothing about the end of the friendship. Just say you need space for a while.

AdultFishcakes · 28/10/2019 21:33

You are so much calmer than I, OP, I swear I’d have packed her damned bags.

nespressowoo · 28/10/2019 21:33

Have her stuff in binbags by the front door and change your locks. What a nasty bitch.

Whine · 28/10/2019 21:35

For what it’s worth I’d reply with-
thanks for letting me know- that very clearly lets me know where I stand and saves me from the future awkwardness of you staying in my house when there’s clearly been a breakdown of trust, although I have no idea what happened. Despite that, I really wanted to sort this tonight so that there was an explanation for what went wrong in our 17 year friendship. I cannot see a way back now so please make alternative living arrangements ASAP. Thanks very much.

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 21:38

Lana is doing the right thing and not replying.

This isn't something to be dealt with over text message any more.

JoinTheMicrodots · 28/10/2019 21:40

“Wow I don't think I've seen a thread of mumsnetters quite this furious before and rightly so.”

Have you not been here long, then, @AloneLonelyLoner? Wink

1Morewineplease · 28/10/2019 21:40

It really concerns me that she is in control of the situation as she has decided to remove herself from a conflict that she knows she’s heading to.
You need to remove her control. But how?
You have now deduced that she has been using you all along. She looked up to you, befriended you, upped her academic status , moved In cheaply to your lovely family home, made some super friends that you’ve not been invited to meet and now she’s looking down at you. An utter user and abuser.
My mind says that you need to sit down and try to talk calmly about the overall situation . 17/20 years is a very long time .
My heart says...’take back the control, tell her that her belongings are in bin bags at the end of your drive and that they need to be removed by tomorrow morning. She is probably quaffing Chablis with Barbour Boy right now, telling him what a terrible life she has!
Sorry... I’m not that helpful.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 28/10/2019 21:41

I would find that your locks keep locking themselves op...and arnt you going for a day out tomoz op Wink..make yourself unavailable for her and talk to her when you want to not when shes trying to tell you when you can...shes a cf bitch op and you and your family deserve better than to be treated like this

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 21:41

OP she's still taking the moral high ground telling you where when why, in your own fucking home.. you do realise this right ?

She's also avoiding coming back whilst your DH and Father are there, she will time this conversation for when they are not home.. you do realise this right ?

She's a vicious calculating witch, and you need to start fighting back, by not playing the underdog, because right now SHE still thinks she holds all the cards.

You need to change that, by being absolutely clear, there will be no discussion about her insane accusations, and she needs to move out.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 21:42

I'm actually baffled as to how you can even consider allowing this Witch to continue living in your home.

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 21:42

Make sure there are no leftovers available for her later op...

NoFun21 · 28/10/2019 21:45

Barbour jackets are designed for wet English October weather so she’ll have a good coat on her when you ask her to leave?

Swipe left for the next trending thread