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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 28/10/2019 21:07

' no not really. I think we need to do this now. I would appreciate it if you came back as we have been waiting', then when she says no ' you've made your priorities clear, please collect your stuff tomorrow'

Lordamighty · 28/10/2019 21:07

Just tell her to leave, she is causing you way too much angst. It’s your house you don’t have to put up with her odd accusations. It will just be awkward having her around after this anyway.

StanleySteamer · 28/10/2019 21:07

Well done OP you've got her on the run! (Hopefully right out of your house and out of your life.) With friends like her and her other shitstirring friends "Manipulative inc .com", who needs enemies?

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 21:08

So now your telling me that me being upset matters so little to you that your willing to not turn up and instead go out on a Jolly.

Babybel90 · 28/10/2019 21:08

You’ve accused me or a member of my family of doing something that not only did we not do, but something downright odd and petty. There is nothing to discuss. I think it’s best that you don’t come back tonight. We can arrange a time for you to collect your stuff tomorrow.

SpoopyStuff · 28/10/2019 21:10

Give her the ultimatum. That way she is choosing to either discuss tonight or pack up and leave. You cannot look like the bad person if you give her a chance to sort it and she chooses to walk.

Good luck.

Bouledeneige · 28/10/2019 21:10

I've only just discovered this bizarre saga and of course, like everyone else OP I'm cross on your behalf.

She sounds like a very immature 30 year old. I've met a few people myself who always have to have someone else to blame when something goes wrong. When clearly if she has to have someone to blame (though why? these things happen) its herself she should look at - she has damaged her new and expensive coat by not being careful enough with it. Now she's back tracking on the blame game because she realises she might lose her cheap and easy place to live.

If she's not big enough to apologise then I think it would be better if she went really. You will feel pretty hurt and pissed off with her being around in your own home if she stays. But don't reply again. Let her stew and not know what she's coming back to. And if she does try and raise it with you when you're on your own - just say - talk to DP and Dad about it. I don't want to talk to you about it I'm that offended.

RosesAndLilies · 28/10/2019 21:10

I think she has realised she was wrong she wants to avoid you all until tomorrow.

I would suggest no further texting and leave until you see her.

You sound like a great person and friend Thanks

Witchinaditch · 28/10/2019 21:11

I wouldn’t reply

mcmooberry · 28/10/2019 21:11

Would go with @itswinetime's reply. No point in dragging her back tonight.

NoSquirrels · 28/10/2019 21:11

I wouldn’t reply to that.

Tomorrow, however, when she wants to talk, I’d be damned sure I was up and out very early. No discussing it on her terms.

She knows you’re upset. She’s chosen not to come back to make it better. That’s all you need to know.

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 21:12

I agree re not replying. Crack open a bottle of wine with DP and try to forget this for the rest of the evening.

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 21:12

You could just text No

Undecided84 · 28/10/2019 21:13

OP, you are an insanely nice person, but her texts indicate that she is not going to come to her senses and apologise. In fact, she seems to be enjoying that she has made you upset, as if she finally got the upper hand back by making this ridiculous accusation.
Do not engage in any further "defense" of yourself or your family.
Just say that you are deeply offended by the suggestion and if she truly thinks that, then she should leave as soon as it is feasible for her to do so.

GodammitGreg · 28/10/2019 21:15

Ignore her now

2018SoFarSoGreat · 28/10/2019 21:15

that is ridiculous, OP. I'd text back saying you've lost a day to this mess already, and need to get it resolved tonight. Ridiculous! Selfish woman.

I am sorry you are going through this rubbish situation. She is a piece of work, I'm afraid.

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 21:15

Agree with everyone saying just don't reply.

billybagpuss · 28/10/2019 21:16

I’d ignore it, realistically she’s not coming home tonight and any further text exchange will be counter productive. You also seem too nice a person to bag her stuff up and bolt the door. Ignoring it may also wind her up waiting for a reply.

Sleep on it and I hope you are able to rest as I know I’d be tossing and turning all night.

Starlight456 · 28/10/2019 21:17

I would also ignore and eat any leftovers from tea

Slapdasherie · 28/10/2019 21:17

I wouldn’t reply either, and you’re right she is not your friend.

The most likely scenario is she left the friendship some time ago and is, either consciously or subconsciously, manufacturing this drama so that she can tell herself and everyone else that you ended the friendship.
That way she can fool herself that she isn’t a class A cunt, and everyone that she is the victim of your nastiness.

So there is no salvaging this. Just get her gone as quickly as possible.

ParkheadParadise · 28/10/2019 21:17

Oh gawd....reply please??

Can't believe I've just read 31 Pages about a fucking jacket.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 21:19

Hope you can get some sleep this night OP. Rest easy knowing none of this is your fault, you've discovered she is a piece of work, and you hopefully have a plan to get her out by the end of the week.

GrimalkinsCrone · 28/10/2019 21:19

You need to tell her that the situation is not working and she needs to leave. No more analysing, explaining or angsting, just give her notice to quit. Then enjoy Christmas trouble-free.

Ash39 · 28/10/2019 21:23

Can you take your DS out tomorrow and avoid her for a bit ( if she returns). I don't think it's a healthy idea to have her confront you again in front of your son, especially if no other adults are around.
You need the support of your dad and OH on this one i think.
I can't work out her agenda, maybe she has mh issues, possible extreme paranoia... something going on anyway.
But she's treated you incredibly unfairly. She does sound like she's backtracking slightly, with her text messages.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 28/10/2019 21:23

I'd personally go with a reply along the lines of:

"Huh, ok, we were all hoping to chat with you about this tonight as it seemed such a strange situation that honestly has upset me a lot today & I really would have preferred to try and resolve it with you. But if you're busy, we can revisit tomorrow evening when everyone is around instead. I'd rather we not discuss in front of DS tomorrow as he was very upset after you left this morning"

I suspect she is now feeling very defensive, knows she has effed up & feels backed into a corner. If you want to try and save the friendship then offer her an olive branch. But still make it clear that this is a discussion for all of the adults in the house so she can't weasel out of it to try and get you on your own esp as your DS is on holiday