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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/10/2019 20:59

I'd reply
"I'd rather not leave it till tomorrow as I don't like going to bed on a disagreement."

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 21:00

Definitely the either come back, or pack up tonight.
She wants you alone to bully.

itswinetime · 28/10/2019 21:00

She's trying to stay in control of whatever narrative she is selling personally I wouldn't ask her to stay out tonight because I would worry she had no where to go ( I know most people will say fuck her) but I wouldn't tell some they can't come home at 9pm I just wouldn't she has no stuff she's not prepared I also think it will play perfectly into her isn't lana such a bitch, didn't she over react did you here she left me with nowhere to stay at 9pm

I would take control back and reply

There is obviously no point discussing this further for whatever reason you have decided that you are entitled to make accusations and my feelings be dammed we obviously aren't the friends I though we were please make arrangements to move out ASAP but no later than Friday (or whenever you think is reasonable)

She doesn't get to dictate everything take control and be strong

pejorativelyspeaking · 28/10/2019 21:00

She is pushing you to say don't come back - so you can be the Baddie
If you do t care how she views and portrays you-go ahead with that.
I'd be inclined to go with the previous posters idea of saying she doesn't get to say what she said I. Your home and dictate when it get further discussed.
She is a right bitch-tread carefully x

messolini9 · 28/10/2019 21:00

WORKSHY, not workshop ffs!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/10/2019 21:00

3luckystars has it. I’d text that.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 28/10/2019 21:00

She's walking all over you. Bottom line - would you let her live with you all now after this? Hopefully the answer is now 'no'. So bloody tell her!

GabsAlot · 28/10/2019 21:01

Does she want to do this when noone else is in by any chance

Besidesthepoint · 28/10/2019 21:01

What an awful friend. You need to tell her no, we need to discuss this tonight.

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 21:01

Tomorrow is fine. Will put a tarpaulin over your stuff in the garden incase it rains..

incognitomum · 28/10/2019 21:02

I would be tempted to reply "Actually I've been thinking about this further and I simply can't get past the fact your first thought was to assume someone in this house had cut your coat. I really don't appreciate my and my family's friendship and hospitality being thought so little of by someone I mistakenly thought was a good friend so I think it's best you find somewhere else to stay, ideally from tonight."

This^

misskatamari · 28/10/2019 21:02

I like @LazyDaisey's reply, spells it out that how she behaved isn't acceptable, and she needs to come home and sort it out, or she needs to leave. I'm sorry OP, this must be so horrible and stressful for you

BarbedBloom · 28/10/2019 21:02

At this point I really would be saying if she wants to salvage the friendship she needs to come home now. I would also be advising her that if not she can stay out and needs to find somewhere else to go by next week.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2019 21:02

Reply with my message above your last post. Preface it with 'I've been thinking about this today and.....".

She wants to sneak in after everyone's asleep because she knows what's coming. And I'll bet that she says she can't talk about it in the morning as she has to get to work.

I think she knows she's bitten the hand that has been feeding her.

Reallybadidea · 28/10/2019 21:02

Just leave it for tonight OP. You're not going to gain anything by insisting she comes back to face the music tonight. Sleep on it.

Saharafordessert · 28/10/2019 21:03

She definitely wants you alone Op so she can manipulate the situation.
Do not let her take control, be tough, big girl pants, you’ve got this!

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2019 21:03

I would not reply.

'please thanks' isn't asking, it's telling.

The ball is in her court. She might yet come back chastened and contrite (and you need to maintain a dignified silence for her to retain the chance to do that). Or she might 'be very busy' for a few days, then drop in quickly, when you're out, to collect her stuff.

AloneLonelyLoner · 28/10/2019 21:04

Wow I don't think I've seen a thread of mumsnetters quite this furious before and rightly so.

We're all rooting for you OP. She's bloody awful.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/10/2019 21:04

Can you the door from the inside m?

Spotsandstars · 28/10/2019 21:05

I'd reply..

'Is that right? I'll let dh and dad know'

Roussette · 28/10/2019 21:05

I would literally ignore her. Don't reply. Her text doesn't deserve a reply

And it will get her thinking maybe

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/10/2019 21:05

Or you could be nice and text back: I’m locking the door at 9.30pm.

SueDoeName · 28/10/2019 21:06

Op

This is now ridiculous. Just say " hi friend. Actually I need time to reflect on everything and It might be a really good idea if you find an alternative place to stay for a few days . Thanks for understanding. "

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 28/10/2019 21:06

There's no point in demanding she comes back now and discuss it. Because that's simply not going to happen.

SeaEagleFeather · 28/10/2019 21:07

gods sake ... this is a long friendship.

whatever is going on, don't get sucked in by on line vultures egging you on. keep calm, find out what's going on in the morning. |

It sounds like something weird is going on, but she's been your friend through thick and thin. Don't toss this friendship out over a mystery bad attitude for one day after so many years. At least try to talk!