Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
CathyorClaire · 28/10/2019 18:49

If she can afford to drop £200 on a fancy coat she can afford a hotel for a few nights. It's not your responsibility to shelter a back-stabbing revisionist ingrate any further, OP.

Alarae · 28/10/2019 18:49

Who wants to bet she will find an excuse not to come back to OP's tonight and magically stays over at a friend's as they were chatting and 'it got late'?

If anyone tried to accuse my family of doing something malicious without proof or a reasonable argument, I would tell her that my door is no longer open to her (or her shitty ripped coat) and to find someone else to mug off.

Then again, I'm not known to give people who are undoubtably in the wrong a chance. Happened with my best friend of 7 years when she tried to accuse my (now DH) boyfriend of being verbally abusive to our mutual guy mate when all they were doing was the classic macho 'don't you dare hurt her' dance and they both laughed it off anyway. She stuck her oar in and mouthed off about it so I told her she was in the wrong and I wouldn't entertain her.

Funnily enough, she realised about a week later she was being a twat at the time and we resolved it, but a lengthy friendship shouldn't be the excuse for you not calling them out for being a twat.

HyacynthBucket · 28/10/2019 18:49

This probably goes against everything that has been advised on here - but could you maybe do this by killing her with kindness. Say you were beyond shocked at her allegation and very hurt by it. That is why you were upset when she thought you were being defensive. If you come over understanding about her upset over damage to the coat, she may come round and you might find the real reason for her being off with you lately. And it could save your friendship if you could clear the misunderstanding between you. Be hurt at the threat to the relationship. She may then take responsibility. It might work. Good luck.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/10/2019 18:49

Yeah I think the talking about this behind your back is awful too. There must have been all sorts said about you, how can she? After everything you’ve done.
So hurtful.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2019 18:49

Sure, she's under stress and lashing out. But this is OP, her young son's and family's home. They need to feel safe and comfortable there. They are not this woman's personal therapy team.

AutumnCrow · 28/10/2019 18:50

I wish you the strength and wisdom to stay calm and measured, OP.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 28/10/2019 18:50

What are you making for dinner, OP? Put any leftovers under lock and key, in plain sight! Smile

Deedee248 · 28/10/2019 18:51

Is it just possible that she thinks you resent her paying all that money on a coat when she’s paying you next to no rent, and that you did this (as she believes) to be spiteful and get at her because of your own financial situation, and that she maybe thinks you’re jealous of her in some way?

It’s a long shot I know, but I just wondered if that’s a possibility.

wineisnecessary · 28/10/2019 18:51

Wow just finished reading this I'm shocked at her behaviour.
I'm sure it's all been said on here already but I can't believe the fuss she made over such a tiny tear . I also think it odd that she told friends and tested it on another coat , I can't believe that and she's been thinking about this for days too .
I mean if you really wanted to cut the coat you would cut it properly not the tiniest of tears ,clearly the loon has caught it on something.
See if you can take a picture of said coat tear so we can see .Grin
Very very odd !!

HollowTalk · 28/10/2019 18:54

If she says anything about how long you've know her, say, "My mistake. It's seemed like 20 years."

I would've kicked her out over the potatoes, though.

ScrumpyBetty · 28/10/2019 18:56

She ate the leftover roast potatoes? She's no friend of yours.

NettleTea · 28/10/2019 18:57

do you think Barbour Boy has designs on her, and has been shit stirring in order to leave her homeless, and then he can whisk in like a knight in shining armour?

If he first put the idea in her mind. He conveniently had a spare one to test, and then she has gone to others to confirm what he has said, because she doesnt entirely trust his view.

You dont like him. The feeling is possibly mutual. You dont know what poison he may have been drip dripping into her ear. I wouldnt be surprised if he has done it himself to create the whole situation, hence it looking like a cut

1950swallpaper · 28/10/2019 18:58

is there anything else that upset her recently?

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 28/10/2019 19:02

Nice dialogue:

"Fiona, we have been friends for, as you pointed out, 17 years. Yet you told me this morning that your property has been deliberately damaged whilst in our house. Based on what you said, I or someone else living here must have done that.

Furthermore, you made these accusations in front of my 7 year old son, which upset him deeply.

I don't feel that myself and my family can or should continue to live in an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust.

Therefore I think you should leave, next Monday should give you plenty of time."

What I would want to send:

"Hey Fiona, sorry that your jacket seems thinner skinned than you are. Maybe it split trying to stretch around your sense of entitlement? Either way, I'm sure its second hand value will help to pay the rent in your next place which you could have been paying me. Perhaps it will even give you more than £30 a week for food if you're lucky!!"

Take your pick OP!

Rachie1973 · 28/10/2019 19:04

She does sound odd. Has she done this to other friends over the years? It’s a long friendship to let go on one row though. Hope you get to the bottom of it xx

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 19:05

Have none of your friends contacted you? Surely they must be worried about her mh?

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 28/10/2019 19:07

and don't even start me on the roast potato incident

BlueJava · 28/10/2019 19:07

That's very weird of her! Personally though I'd want her to move out - who knows what else she may come out with. I think the text suggested above by Looby is good. I hope it pans out ok and she just moves on pretty quickly.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/10/2019 19:09

Say you were beyond shocked at her allegation and very hurt. That is why you were upset when she thought you were being defensive ... Be hurt at the threat to the relationship. She may then take responsibility. It might work. Good luck

That's kind of what I was thinking when I suggested "why are you behaving like this?", but I thought it might be easier for OP to keep it to a few words - after all she's naturally very upset and a long talk might get complicated

If it happens that that there's no way back from this, at least that way OP avoids descending to the "friend's" level

billybagpuss · 28/10/2019 19:12

I think the most likely explanation was mentioned by a pp that the rip (cut) is where the security tag was. A business near to us is constantly being targeted by thieves both shoplifting and break ins, and the only target is the Barbour jackets.

Maybe she bought one of the stolen ones and they didn't have the correct thing to get the tag off properly Grin

Hope the meeting goes well.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 28/10/2019 19:16

And echoing PPs, Barbours do rip, quite easily sometimes. Mine had a nasty run in with a very spiky plant, had 3 one inch or so tears in in and a few in me too...

JenniferM1989 · 28/10/2019 19:17

She's a grown woman lodging with her friend and spending money on coats instead of housing... tell her to get out, grow up and sort her life out

beachcomber70 · 28/10/2019 19:19

I also think it could be where a security tag was taken off without using the correct equipment needed to remove it without damage.

If it is a stolen coat she is going to look stupid when everyone realises.

mankyfourthtoe · 28/10/2019 19:19

What @onceandneveragain said but make it this weekend she needs to leave.

Ultimately she's changed the dynamic of your friendship and I wouldn't want her in my house.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/10/2019 19:20

Tell her that all the money she's saved in rent and food will more than cover the cost if a new coat. CF!

Swipe left for the next trending thread