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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 28/10/2019 18:25

Just remember when she's doing her 'oh but I wasn't accusing anyone' act that she stated that it 'must have happened in your house' and that she'd gone to considerable trouble to back up her belief that the damage was deliberate, even going so far as testing the theory on someone else's coat! She's going to struggle to spin that so it sounds anything other than bonkers on her part so make sure you labour the point and refuse to be diverted.

Gaslighting only works if you allow them to make you doubt what you know is the truth, so be calm but absolutely resolute about what you know she said and did. Good luck and be clear that anything less than a full climb-down and sincere apology from her is going to mean an end to your hospitality. Gin (for courage)

DCDA · 28/10/2019 18:25

She’s obviously been festering about this bloody coat for a few days, talked to other friends and did her ‘test’, then confronted you and realised she’d fucked up.

Attack being the best form of defence, she says you’ve overreacted. She will now attempt to turn everything on you. Stay calm and keep repeating back to her what she said - definitely happened in your house, definitely not a accident.

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 18:27

Right so DP has just got home, and is in the same state of bafflement as me.

Soo...I need to make dinner now, but I will be back with an update as soon as I have one.

Love you vipers.

OP posts:
2018SoFarSoGreat · 28/10/2019 18:29

the vipers are doing an excellent job at keeping you clear headed OP. She is a cow. Today at least. AND the days she was 'verifying' her story re the jacket. That is the most awful bit to me - that she believed it enough to go do tests, and chat among her other friends. Why is she not living off of one of them?

Enjoy your dinner. Then remain clear headed. Not too much dutch courage; just enough. It is a fine balance.

Kelwar · 28/10/2019 18:29

Agree with you bees knees

Pinkyyy · 28/10/2019 18:32

Wow I've just read all this and I'm lost for words. I hope all goes well this evening OP.

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 18:33

You believe she has FABRIC-cated evidence, it was an in-TENTS time, but you COTTON-ed on too her RIP-pling dialog.
SEW what is her point.

MissEliza · 28/10/2019 18:34

I think you should tell her df tonight before she gets in there with her lies.

HelloGeeniee · 28/10/2019 18:36

Sorry I have no advise but a similar story (quite amusing really)

When I was younger my mum bought a new top to go on holiday and when she went to pack it had been snipped by what was obviously scissors. The snip hadn’t been there when she tried it on as it’s obvious. There was me, my mum, dad and brother living in the house and me and my brother we’re 10 and 12. We never found out who snipped the top but it still makes me laugh now (although it’s slightly creepy!) Grin

Maudiejames · 28/10/2019 18:36

Hi Op. I’ve been in this situation before. Just look calm even if you don’t feel it, and let her speak. Don’t rush in to reply. She’ll end up babbling. 👍 Stay calm.

MsTSwift · 28/10/2019 18:38

I think it’s one of those things she will cringe at in the future. No excuse but think she will.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 28/10/2019 18:38

The roast potatoes confirm everything. The coat thing was bad enough and her texts. But scoffing the roasties Angry

Bellaxx8 · 28/10/2019 18:41

My mum has a Barbour coat.

It has a tiny cut like rip in it.... because there dog jumped up at her when excited and her nail got caught and left a tiny rip....

DragonMamma · 28/10/2019 18:42

Just RTFT and now the roast potatoes have been mentioned I’m actually raging for you Op.

What a twat she’s been. She has got some brass neck if she saunters in tonight. Good luck if she does.

VanillaSmile · 28/10/2019 18:42

OP you’re obviously a lovely, generous friend and this person doesn’t deserve you at all. Keep calm and don’t let her turn it around on you. I don’t know what her game is, but she’s definitely full of it.

Ms82 · 28/10/2019 18:43

The roasties alone is unforgivable, I'd have kicked her out for that alone, noone messes with my roasties😂! To accuse you of something like that after all you've done for her is disgraceful, she is not a decent or nice person she's just been good at pretending she is, until now. You need her to leave, she is horrible. Xx

AhNowTed · 28/10/2019 18:43

Accepts your generously hospitality and accuses you of wilful damage.

No good deed goes unpunished.

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 28/10/2019 18:44

Have you looked at things from her point of view. You have known her for a very long time. How does she normally act under stress. Could she be in a state of turmoil and simply hitting out at those closest to her. What is her current situation and how is she handling it.

RightYesButNo · 28/10/2019 18:44

I'm being gaslighted aren't I??
Yes, beyond a shadow of a doubt. And her playing semantics that your 20-year friendship is “really only 17” is very much designed to create distance and hurt you as much as possible in the process. I’m so sorry, OP, but this is broken. You will never be completely comfortable with her in your house again, knowing that this is how she thinks about you now, accusing your family, not caring about the fact that you’ve been the ones providing a bloody place for her to live. And you can’t live like that, just waiting for the next shite trick she pulls.

The roast potatoes confirm everything. The coat thing was bad enough and her texts. But scoffing the roasties Angry
And unfortunately, you’ll know your roasties are never safe with her, either. Absolutely vile way to have to end a friendship. Poor you. Poor roasties. Have some more Gin

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 18:46

I'm incredulous at the 'RentaRoom's' audacity and brass neck.

Don't let her walk over you OP.

FilledSoda · 28/10/2019 18:46

What's makes it even more painful is that this wasn't a moment of (paranoid) madness . She has been talking to people behind your back .
It's absolutely bizarre.
She has to go , there's just no way you can have her in your home with your family.

Leflic · 28/10/2019 18:47

Not read the thread.

A small rip in Barbour is fine. It’s a working coat.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 28/10/2019 18:47

WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN POTATOES??!!!

mbosnz · 28/10/2019 18:47

What is her current situation and how is she handling it.

Well her current situation is that she has been relying on the kindness and hospitality of OP for quite some time, even knowing they're hand to mouth at times, and has for some reason inexplicably turned around and accused them of wilful damage of her expensive property obtained while relying on said kindness and hospitality. And spreading rumours of same.

I imagine she's quite stressed at this point. Like any dog that bites the hand that feeds it.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 28/10/2019 18:48

Proper chuckling at calling her Rentaroom Grin