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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 28/10/2019 18:10

@onceandneveragain has it perfectly, I think.

EbayAddiction · 28/10/2019 18:11

Honestly I would be telling her that if she really believes she is living in a house with someone who resents her that much then she should leave and find a more suitable home. She either apologised and drops it or she bloody gets out!

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 18:11

Roussette I am laughing too now!

It's funny the things you get pissed off about

OP posts:
anotherday4 · 28/10/2019 18:11

More to the point can't pay rent but can buy a expensive coat?

Lhastingsmua · 28/10/2019 18:12

Oh if she tries to change tact & come across as a “good friend” and super kind etc tonight then definitely mention that you didn’t appreciate her discussing this with others and essentially gossiping about you, when if you were so close she should have asked you as soon as she noticed

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 18:12

I'm still agog at how this woman, who'd known DH his entire life, managed to set our flat on fire and then try to blame us and this was over 20 years ago. And we'll never know because she, I guess, truly believes it was all our fault. Not to mention that she never paid us any digs. We were total fools.

Craftycorvid · 28/10/2019 18:13

Weirdly - and very unfairly - doing such a big favour for a friend can cause them to build up guilt and resentment. I’d go with she is either projecting or trying it on to get you to replace said jacket (in cash).

ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2019 18:14

I think the friendship perhaps means more to you than it does to her.....she sounds like a fucking user at best

ferndance · 28/10/2019 18:14

Probably not very wise advice because I'm a fiery fucker... but I'd pack her shit and dump it on the doorstep and not speak to her again to be honest. Maybe with an added "fuck you barbour twat" note on the front door...depending on how much wine I'd consumed.

The relationship is ruined. She's taken the piss and then still managed to take some more! She values you so little op. I'm sorry to say it, but she really felt it was acceptable to cause such a fuss over a tiny rip on her jacket...a material item.

20 year friendships (sorry 17 Hmm) are worth more than shitty jackets. A friend of 20 years is usually someone you love more than actual family, because you can pick your friends, you can't pick your family.

Andromeida59 · 28/10/2019 18:15

I think it's also worth mentioning it to her DF, if not done so already. Just so she can't run to him with tales of how mean you've all been to her.

SilverySurfer · 28/10/2019 18:16

I would tell her that since she believes her jacket is in mortal danger of being damaged in your house, best she and jacket fuck off move out asap.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/10/2019 18:17

I'd give her 48 hours to get out of the house, if she is still there 1 second after, you'll bag up her stuff and throw it on the street. She would get no food from me at all and she would be welcome in no other room in the house.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/10/2019 18:17

Normally I'm such an assertive person ... so why has this made me feel so fucking shit??

Perhaps because, after so many years of thinking her a friend, this feels like a fault in reality? I'm desperately sorry it's happening to you at all and can perhaps understand a bit, having been accused of theft myself by someone I thought a loving relative (and one of the very few I have)

I'm with all the PPs who've said there must be something else behind this that you can't yet know, but my only suggestion - if you can manage it - is this:

Ask her, very quietly and face to face, "why are you behaving like this?"
Nothing else, just that - and if she spouts some nonsense, hear her out without interrupting and then repeat it, several times if necessary

She might reveal more which may help or sadly it still might end with you having to ask her to leave, but it seems to me to be all that's left to try

ferndance · 28/10/2019 18:18

And I wouldn't go around justifying my behaviour or putting across my side of the story because it's nothing to do with anyone else. Anyone with any sense knows there's always two sides to a story.

Plus I always think people have something to be guilty of if they go around trying to justify themselves to mutual friends.

Fuck the lot of them.

FrancisCrawford · 28/10/2019 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evilmorty · 28/10/2019 18:19

Right I’m calling this now.

She’ll say - she sees you like a sister and that’s why she argued with and accused you like that. She flew off the handle blah blah blah and she’ll play on the 20yr (17yr) friendship and bring up all the old times but you must be really bloody hard with her and get your point across and not be sidelined or undercut with any tactics she’ll throw at you just so you don’t kick her out.

And if she says 20yrs (in a bid to curry favour) I’d correct her too!

MitziK · 28/10/2019 18:19

'I don't see how we can get past this, BarbourBitch, so I'm going to have to ask you to stay with your Dad and make alternative arrangements by the end of the week.'

She has no housing rights, so she can bloody well go and leech off stay with one of her posh friends.

MissEliza · 28/10/2019 18:20

What would fuck me off is my ds witnessing a row and being upset in his own home. I couldn't get passed that. The talking to other people behind your back is also infuriating. I know it's not easy in RL but I'd be asking her to leave. She shouldn't have done that in front of your ds.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 18:20

It's funny the things you get pissed off about

Roast potatoes are a deal breaker I even like them cold

Evilmorty · 28/10/2019 18:20

And yeah I agree if mutual friends ask, just say you don’t talk anymore because she was a total bitch to you. And leave it at that.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/10/2019 18:21

That is an unbelievably rude reply ? What on earth is wrong with her ? And for a 5mm tear in a coat ?
She sounds unhinged OP.

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 18:22

I hope jacket and friend can live together very happily for a long time.
Does jacket earn enough to keep a roof over both their heads .
Wonder what the children will look like.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 18:22

Ask her, very quietly and face to face, "why are you behaving like this?"

Yes, I would do that too.

Bilngismything · 28/10/2019 18:24

Sounds as if she is getting paranoid. A real smack in the face for you.

Mousetolioness · 28/10/2019 18:24

I had the same thought as Bourbonandtea - that she's had an attack of 'buyer's remorse' and somehow hoping to recoup some or all of the cost. Maybe she is stressed about her situation and not thinking straight... All the same her accusation was absurd and hurtful.

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