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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 17:53

Also ask her how much your friendship matters to her, as she was willing to bitch about you behind your back.

Chloe84 · 28/10/2019 17:53

Should I just tell her not to come back tonight or just have it out with her

I would love it if you told her not to come back tonight but in the unlikely event that you want to save this friendship, I would give her a day to pack her stuff and leave. So tell her she has to be gone by tomorrow when gets in. Halo

Don’t do it via text.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:53

Think you might be right about about portraying it as ganging up, but honestly??

I want her to tell my lovely softy dad and DP that she thinks someone in this house did it, face to face, cos that's different to waiting till hard faced argumentative Lana is on her own and then doing it (which is what she did this morning- waited till DP had gone to work, and Dad had gone to an appointment), cos she fucking knew I'd be incredulous, and get wound up.

The more I think about this the more I think I'm being fucking played TBH.

She's not replied to my texts after that one reply.

I've got my angry big fucking girl pants on now, wedged right up to my fucking boobs.

I'm so angry now.

OP posts:
Pepperpot99 · 28/10/2019 17:54

And for a barbour? I mean who wears that poncey crap stuff? Wink

Molly2010 · 28/10/2019 17:55

She’s backtracking because her Dad has had a word, I guarantee it.

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 17:55

I'd open a bottle of wine while you wait.
So she finds you all feed and watered.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/10/2019 17:55

I think she's less if a friend than you think she is.

I had a friend live with me many years ago, she definitely turned out to be w completely different person than I thought she was. You never truely know people until you live with them.

Lhastingsmua · 28/10/2019 17:55

Also I agree about the year of friendship correction being strange and pedantic. It honestly sounds like she’s still angry but decided to try and come across as “rational” in her reply, but clearly slipped up there.

I think your text must have disrupted her “narrative” of this morning, so she’s trying to change your narrative, eg you said ‘20 year friendship’ and she’s trying to diminish that so she doesn’t look negative

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 17:58

The softy thing is the reason this cow has ripped the piss out of you buying a £200 jacket whilst munching off the £30 of food you had to feed your kid. It's not lovely to allow people to treat you like this, it's sad and teaches your son to put up with shoddy treatment from others. You can talk to her until you are blue in the face, she is not going to own up to this or apologise or anything. It doesn't matter what you want, you won't get it from her, on an explanation. She's made that very clear to you.

PanamaPattie · 28/10/2019 17:58

Expect total gaslighting, tears and you being portrayed as the bully.

Happityhap · 28/10/2019 17:59

I get what people are saying about 3 v 1, but she has potentially accused the other people in the house as well as OP so it's only fair she speaks to them about it.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 18:00

And she hasn't given this a second thought. You have. She doesn't give a fuck.

itsgettingweird · 28/10/2019 18:01

There's 2 options and both for me would have differing outcomes.

She comes home. Apologises and explains she didn't mean it to come across as she did and it was misplaced anger at you because she's upset over the coat. Alongside recognising all you all do for her.

She comes home defensive and further makes accusations. Or minimises it and puts blame on you.

First one means there's hope for the friendship. I think all humans have thrown their toys out of the pram and hit the wrong person in the past. Human emotion is complex.
But I'd hope normal and rational humans would apologise appropriately.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2019 18:02

She'll probably cry in front of the men.

She'll tell them you've massively misunderstood her and she had no idea you help such a grudge and she's just terribly disappointed and upset.

If you really want to state facts in front of everyone, you need to write down what she said (preferably make copies for everyone, including her), so you can read it out calmly and refer to it, without getting muddled, or talked over. She'll view that as very aggressive and accusatory of course.

You'd probably need to get your 'upset' in first. If you're angry she'll twist it as you being the aggressor - even though angry is the right and reasonable thing to be.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 18:03

Yeah the pedantic text was so fucking odd, like we've been saying that for a while but now it's an issue??

It's just all so mad.

One of the things I'm most now pettily annoyed about (and will be fucking bringing up btw) is that she clearly didn't hate me enough to leave the roast potatoes from yesterday in the tray...but ate them last night when I went to bed, without asking me first, yet she was fucking angry at me?

Like, she'll happily eat my fucking leftover potatoes (which until this I wouldn't have a problem with) but at the same time thinks I cut her coat??

Fucking hell.

I'm a fucking mug

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 28/10/2019 18:04

You need to give her notice to be out by the end of the week. I think she’s hugely taken advantage of your family, OP, and you’ve now seen a side of her that was there all along. Absurd to be pleading poverty and lodging in a friend’s home while buying expensive stuff and accusing friend’s family of damaging it. Sorry that your friendship has gone down the tubes this way. Sometimes it is better not to be so accommodating.

NewYoiker · 28/10/2019 18:05

She sounds like a dick

Roussette · 28/10/2019 18:05

Lana Write down everything you need as your defence, and read it through to imprint it in your brain before you talk with her.

The accusations. The cut not rip. The fact she went off for a whole week consulting with friends to build a case against you.

What she's talking about is barely a quarter of an inch, I have never heard anything so ridiculous, I'd need a magnifying glass to see that. I bet it came from the shop like that and she's only just noticed

Agree with a PP, do not not not fill the silences. Let her dig a hole for herself. If she sits quietly, you can refer to your texts you've just sent to her, and ask what it is she means. The most you need to say is 'I will not have unwarranted and untrue accusations thrown at my family and me when I've been doing you a huge favour'.
And leave it at that

IsAStormApproaching · 28/10/2019 18:07

Op I have never heard of the brand of jacket (I'm a bit clueless about that stuff)
But is it likely it was where the security tag was attached to the item when it was in the shop. That might explain the tiny cut straight through.
I have had this before with an item.

And you are defiantly right to be angry. She has damage the friendship forever with her accusations

billy1966 · 28/10/2019 18:07

You can choose to no longer be a mug OP.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 18:07

Sorry Lana I'm laughing at the roast potatoes Grin

Iflyaway · 28/10/2019 18:07

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.

Well, maybe that is her problem, putting stupid fucking Barbour Jackets over a roof over her head.

She sounds mental, accusing you or your son for cutting it, she probably ripped it on some broken gate or metal out and about.

I'd be seriously reappraising the friendship. and asking her to leave
Who needs that shit.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 18:09

Do you know what timshelthechoice (btw I haven't ignored your advice...thank you so much) I wanted to give her the benefir of the doubt....but the more I read everyone here, especially yours and the more I think, it wasn't the friendship I thought was it?? Sad

For whoever said crack the wine...
I have a couple of gins....not gonna get pissed but dutch courage....

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 28/10/2019 18:09

Take the calm higher road approach. Don't give her any ammo.

diddl · 28/10/2019 18:10

I'm not sure that there's any more to say.

You've spelt it out & she has said that that isn't what she meant.

You either believe her or not imo.

If not then just say it's not working/you've had enough of being taken advantage of & she needs to leave.