Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

Tell her to find somewhere else to stay tonight and let you know when she wants to collect the rest of her belongings.

Pitty your DP is wet but there's nothing more to discuss because she's shown you she will gaslight you and manipulate her.

No way she can stay there now. At least it didn't cost you too, too much, hell, we had to have the entire carpet replaced plus some furniture because the smoke was so bad, even though DH put the fire out with an extinguisher right away.

I wouldn't let this horrible bitch over my threshold again OP, but that's just me.. just who the fuck does She think she is, treating all of you like that, she's clearly a selfish entitled vile little cretin used to getting her own way at everyone elses expense.

I'd tell her not to come back to your house.

I'm laying it out in texts basically so she can't backtrack, and I'm hoping she wont be so accusatory with
1)elderly man with COPD
2) a man who works his arse off (including paying for her kind of) to support his family despite having had a heart attack 3 months ago
3)me

As if she gives a fuck.

I'd kick her out!

I would go with @onceandneveragain text and do it now. Why should you have to be dreading her coming back or feeling bad? She doesn't feel bad for you..

Remember do not fill silences.
Ask then wait for answers.
Why do you think we would be so petty?
Does a jacket matter more than friendship?
Where do you want this matter to end?

OP, I really for you.

So upsetting.

She is not your friend, and hasn't been for a while.
Friends don't exclude you like that.
They certainly don't while accepting such hospitality.

Funny how these people who are always so ready to accept help and support end up shitting all over the person who does the most for them.

Whatever happens, she has shown you who she is.

How you recover and move on from that I don't know.

I certainly couldn't.

She has been bad mouthing you while accepting so much.

The trust would be totally gone for me.

Maybe she did think, through bad mouthing you, someone else might off a bed for her, and that hasn't happened, so now she has decided to indeed gaslight you.

In my respectful opinion, the best thing you can do is assume the relationship is over and claim back some self respect in this situation.

By that I mean, give it her with both barrel's with your DH and DF and get her out of your house immediately.

Personally I wouldn't care where she went, she wouldn't stay under my roof another night.

We teach people how they can treat us. I would be teaching her another lesson tonight.

You are well rid of her.

I'm so sorry for the upset.💐

If I wasn't accusing my friend and she sent me your text I'd be mortified and apologising my head off for not expressing myself well and for making you feel like that

Yeah this is what I would do, and is exactly what is making me feel like she's minimising/backtracking/gaslighting me.

Instead she was all "oh I didn't mean that but still wanting a chat?!

I really want to know why she thought any of us would do that rather than just, I dunno, fucking talk to her, or at least ask her to leave if we resented her that much.

Ask her straight to the point, do you think that someone in this house has deliberately damaged your coat? If she says yes, then tell her to sling her hook. If she says no, tell her she needs to apologise for what she said earlier. If she refuses, tell her to sling her hook. If she apologises, let it go and move on.

I would be tempted to reply "Actually I've been thinking about this further and I simply can't get past the fact your first thought was to assume someone in this house had cut your coat. I really don't appreciate my and my family's friendship and hospitality being thought so little of by someone I mistakenly thought was a good friend so I think it's best you find somewhere else to stay, ideally from tonight."

After her last response I think she has come to realise that if she continued to accuse you that she would be out of her very cheap accommodation hence her backtracking and making out it was a discussion and not an accusation.

Good idea to get as much as you can in text.

I am very accommodating, understanding and level headed but this would be a real issue for me. I simply wouldn’t be accused of such a thing. The trust is now gone and she would have to find somewhere else to live.

And this is absolute spades:

Sorry but this isn't a friendship, this is a convenience for her. No friend lets you work out how to make your last £30 work for food whilst living in the house, not covering the bills and spending out on a special jacket whist apparently desperately saving. She's taking you for a complete mug.

Not to mention the not inviting you out with mutual friends part.

I'm so frustrated on your behalf. She's just so rude. It sounds like she's being egged on my her "friends" too. Let them put her and her Barbour coat up!

She's going to play this as you ganging up and bullying her out.

She knows she's screwed up but won't be able to face the truth or responsibility of that.

I would be tempted to reply "Actually I've been thinking about this further and I simply can't get past the fact your first thought was to assume someone in this house had cut your coat. I really don't appreciate my and my family's friendship and hospitality being thought so little of by someone I mistakenly thought was a good friend so I think it's best you find somewhere else to stay, ideally from tonight."

^This.

I really would suggest going with 'I'm sorry but this relationship has broken down irrepairably. I'm not interested in going over what happened, or attributing blame. We are where we are. This arrangement doesn't work for us any more and we you need to move out now.'

And obviously none of her "friends" have come good with an offer of accommodation after all of her bitching about her jacket to them.

I would be tempted to reply "Actually I've been thinking about this further and I simply can't get past the fact your first thought was to assume someone in this house had cut your coat. I really don't appreciate my and my family's friendship and hospitality being thought so little of by someone I mistakenly thought was a good friend so I think it's best you find somewhere else to stay, ideally from tonight."

Perfect reply

@oceanand
This text is very good.

Do not let her twist what was said and gaslight you.

This will drive you mad if you let her away with this.

OP, sadly you are only cheap lodgings to her now.

There is no way I can imagine recovering from such contemptuous behaviour.

She really thinks if she denies what she clearly said, you will be confused and get over it.

Your friendship is most likely over.
Do not let her take your self respect from you.

Take absolutely no bull from her.

Do not allow her to rewrite what she clearly accused you and your family of.

Yeah I’d be careful about the 3 v 1 thing too.

To be honest, you might just have to ask her to find somewhere else to live. It sounds like she is now back peddling because she doesn’t have her ducks in a row and can’t immediately leave.

Keep it calm, neutral and polite. Don't give her anything to argue against.

She is definitely gas lighting you @LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut! Just stay cool and calm and state facts.

She doesn’t sound like a friend at all.

Don't let her gaslight you. She didn't just ask you. Her talk about cut and scissors is an accusation. When you talk be calm and concise don't let her twist words.

I really want to know why she thought any of us would do that

I completely understand why op. But it sadly doesn't change anything, she clearly has a warped way of viewing things and the "reason" would probably be just as confusing.

She's a horrible friend. I could never buy expensive jackets in front of the people who are housing me for bugger all then watch them carefully discussing a £30 food budget.

That's when she should have stepped in. "No worries, the big shop is on me this month." Use that for something else etc!

She's vile. No one nice behaves like that!