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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 17:23

Your line and you stick to it is.
Are you telling me a rip in a barber means more to you than 17 years of friendship?
Does a rip that we have no idea about, that could have been done in the shop allow you to call me a liar?
You have upset me, how are you going to sort this?

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:24

BarbedBloom This is soo eerily similar. What the actual fuck is with people sometimes??

I'm laying it out in texts basically so she can't backtrack, and I'm hoping she wont be so accusatory with
1)elderly man with COPD
2) a man who works his arse off (including paying for her kind of) to support his family despite having had a heart attack 3 months ago
3)me

All sat in front of her...

If she does come back....

Fuck knows

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 28/10/2019 17:25

It had to have happened in your house, and it was cut not torn. Don't forget that. Don't let her gaslight you. If I were you I'd make it clear that if she thinks so little of you all then she should find someone else she thinks better of to live with.

Her pedantic reply really shows where she's at btw. She will make you look like the bad persons whatever. The only way to win the game is to not play.

onceandneveragain · 28/10/2019 17:26

Some ideas for a response:

"DexFriend I can only guess that you might be feeling like the 'bad guy' because you:

  • accused me and my family, of deliberately sabotaging your possession
  • refused to entertain the possibility that it could have ripped naturally or elsewhere
  • suggested I was getting defensive, thus 'proving' my guilt when I, as any reasonably person would, rejected this accusation
  • did all this in front of my 7 y/o son who loves you and is now devastated that you are angry with him for something he didn't do
  • all while you have been living nearly rent free in my home for the last x months, a favour I was more than happy to provide as we have been such good friends for the past 17 years
  • and despite knowing the issues we have been through recently with DPs heart attack and our struggles with money
  • when told how much you have upset me, replied with an aggressive and pedantic post rather than, as any decent person would, an apology

given all the above I'm sure you understand that neither I, DP, Ddad or DS feel comfortable with you staying with us any longer. You will probably feel relieved as I imagine you struggle to sleep at night for worry of this incredible grudge we apparently hold against you, and concern that at any moment we will start burning your clothes or keying your car. Please can you therefore pack up your stuff tonight and leave the key on the table tomorrow morning.

This behaviour is so out of character for you that I can only assume you have other things going on that are causing you to behave in such a rude and cruel manner. I would like to think that after a few weeks you will hopefully realise how ridiculous you have been and I will be happy to resume our friendship after you have apologised."

Reallybadidea · 28/10/2019 17:26

She could be gaslighting you or maybe she's starting to realise that you wouldn't do this and is trying to backtrack? Just keep an open mind and don't get too pumped up by some of the replies on here.

Louloulovesyou · 28/10/2019 17:26

I also agree that you, hubby and dad need to talk about this before hand and agree how to handle. What points do you all want to make. You don't want either of them to be overly polite or suggest paying for it just to smooth things over.

Redshoeblueshoe · 28/10/2019 17:26

Sometimes when you stop being friends with someone you open your eyes to all the other crap you have put up with.
Pity it took me 30years to realise that

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 17:28

You are wasting your breath. She will twist it and turn it back and make it her fault. You either live with that and continue subbing her to treat you like shit or give her her marching orders and go on with your life.

missnevermind · 28/10/2019 17:28

When you do reply I would add in something along the lines of
This is causing me to be anxious at the thought of returning to my own home which is supposed to be a safe space.

Whenthereslovethereshope · 28/10/2019 17:28

Has anyone bothered to see the Jacket yet? Maybe it is not cut at all and she is simply looking her way out of this friendship?

Feel sorry for you OP Flowers

Imfinallyhappy1 · 28/10/2019 17:28

It sounds like she’s using this as a way to have a go at you about something else. I’d get rid Lana, she sounds like a total prick. What a bitch

KanelbulleKing · 28/10/2019 17:29

She's horrible. If I wasn't accusing my friend and she sent me your text I'd be mortified and apologising my head off for not expressing myself well and for making you feel like that. She doesn't give a shit.

Mamasaurus82 · 28/10/2019 17:30

You say this is out of character for her and you've known her a long time. I'd expect an apology but maybe approach it like, "are you ok? This isn't like you- you know us so well- obviously we didn't cut your coat, so what's this really about?"
She must have become quite paranoid to convince herself someone had it in for her and must have cut the coat. Therefore might need convincing the world isn't out to get her, I don't know.
Also, however expensive the coat, it shouldn't be worth getting that annoyed at you.
YANBU

DrJackDaniels · 28/10/2019 17:31

I've followed this all day and really feel for you. I think your texts to her have been perfect and as easy as it is to say this rather than do it, you can't get too upset or emotional as she is almost goading you into this. She accused you, told you you're overly defensive, then is gaslighting you saying she only asked and asking why she is the bad guy.

She's wanting you to fly off the handle for whatever warped reason, so you're best to keep as calm as possible and just stick to short and simple facts and do the 'I'm really hurt and upset you believe this of us' route.

My friend had something similar happen to her. She ran a very expensive clothes shop and built up a friendship with a client. One day the friend bought an extremely expensive dress from her, wore it and asked for the friends shop to then dry clean it at a later date. She brought the dress back, filthy and in a dirty bag. When the dry cleaners couldn't get the marks out, she accused my friend of deliberately marking her dress and demanding money back. Totally out of the blue, totally destroyed a friendship - even took her to court. It turns out, she had a serious debt problem and wanted to recoup the money and had lied to her mum about how much she was spending on clothes.

cheesewitheverything · 28/10/2019 17:33

I think you need to talk to her and not use texts now, op, as it's difficult to get the right tone. When you see her, I'd keep very calm and not get drawn into the argument again, just be very calm and disappointed in her, very sad this has happened. Endless discussions about the actual coat are pointless now. I would say that her friend, him with the Barbour jacket they experimented on, has a lot at stake here and it suits him very well for your friendship to break down.

Josette77 · 28/10/2019 17:34

You are doing awesome.

At this point though it sounds like it's time for her to go.

Louloulovesyou · 28/10/2019 17:35

I like what mamasaurus said 'are you ok? This isn't like you- you know us so well- obviously we didn't cut your coat, so what's this really about?"

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:35

She showed me the jacket....it's literally a tiny rip....5mm by 5mm like if you had caught it on something...the thing is cos it goes straight to the lining she seems to think you can only get it by cutting it, though countless posts on here have proved that yeah, Barbours rip, to the lining sometimes.

I'm dreading her coming back to be honest.....DP is a lovely man, but always goes for the route of least resistance, Dad is actually turning out to be a stalwart and is fucking gutted....but I'm worried she'll be all "Oh I didn't say that exactly"

I'm being gaslighted aren't I??

Should I just tell her not to come back tonight or just have it out with her tonight?

OP posts:
Louloulovesyou · 28/10/2019 17:37

Wow a 5mm rip. She has done all this for that!

itswinetime · 28/10/2019 17:38

This won't get better with time you need to have it out with and you need to decide you can still all live together...personally I'd get it over with so you can start moving on...I expect she will slink back in late so she doesn't have to have the confrontation

plightofthealbatross · 28/10/2019 17:38

Just tell her that as she obviously believes that someone in the house has damaged her jacket on purpose, and was quite clear on that point, she needs to find another place to stay by the end of the week.

As someone pointed out above, she's Absolutely taking the piss with you:

Sorry but this isn't a friendship, this is a convenience for her. No friend lets you work out how to make your last £30 work for food whilst living in the house, not covering the bills and spending out on a special jacket whist apparently desperately saving. She's taking you for a complete mug.

Witchinaditch · 28/10/2019 17:38

Have it out with her stay very calm don’t let her turn you into the bad person in this!

BlingLoving · 28/10/2019 17:39

OP - I think that you should have it out with her tonight. If she genuinely has been a friend for this long and it has always been good then you need to at least give her the benefit of the doubt. She's being a complete bitch, but you should talk to her and work out what's going on. If after that she's still accusing you (officially or in her behaviour) then yes, the friendship might be doomed. But I think to give up on such a long friendship after one incident without at least trying to work through it would be a mistake.

Louloulovesyou · 28/10/2019 17:39

I would have it out with her tonight. You won't sleep tonight otherwise. I would open your conversation with mamasaurus suggestion and see where she goes from there.

5LeafClover · 28/10/2019 17:39

I suspect that her family have seen this behaviour from her before, you haven't because you've never lived with her. You need to establish some really clear boundaries around what you are prepared to accept in your house...and that includes tone of voice as well as content. Stay calm but hold firm. Don't be afraid to say you think it's better if she left if she believes you damaged her property or of she wants to talk to you like a stroppy teenager. Good luck.

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