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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 28/10/2019 17:08

She's not reasonable, she's gaslighting by saying she didn't accuse you when you know full well she did.

I'd be tempted to wait and see what she's got to say. I'd ask her what's going on? Why is she so convinced it happened in your house? Just see what her demeanour is. Is she all sulky, playing the victim, petulant? Or genuinely confused and trying to work it out?

Her attitude will tell you everything. And based on that I'd then decide whether or not to ask her to leave.

This seems so strange and not in accordance with the past. I think it's reasonable to wait and see how it pans out.

Whiskers14 · 28/10/2019 17:08

Excellent comeback, OP. Don't let her gaslight you!

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 17:08

Yeah, don't speak to her alone anymore. REally where is your DP in all this because I'd have been livid if someone did this in our home whilst we were subsidising her.

It happened to us, a so-called friend DH had was supposed to just be staying with us between houses. Turned into 9 months rent free. She then just started to take the piss culminating in her setting the carpet on fire in the bedroom by leaving an iron flat on it whilst she went out to the balcony to smoke a cigarette. Then had the nerve to blame us for not having an ironing board and shrug at replacing the carpet as 'that's what you have insurance for'. She got totally affronted at being told to leave after that and badmouthed us to mutual friends, whom we told she was not paying any rent or board to us.

She still felt like the victimised party and that was the end of that.

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 17:08

Maybe after slating you to all and sundry she expected offers of new accommodation and she hasn't received any. She is backtracking fast...

mbosnz · 28/10/2019 17:08

Well, I have to say, I would not be prepared to live with someone who thought that any of me or mine would do this, and anyone that honestly thought that we could have, really should be making plans to live elsewhere, because surely they wouldn't want to live with us?!

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 17:09

Good reply OP

Witchinaditch · 28/10/2019 17:09

She’s being a right dick. Sorry no advice but wow what a cow. Why did she need to say it’s been 17 years actually? At the end of the day you may never know how the coat got damaged but the fact she is willing to loose a 17 year friendship over it shows she probably doesn’t hold the friendship is high regard. Sorry OP how crap.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 17:10

Sounds good.

itsgettingweird · 28/10/2019 17:10

I was totally on board with the sensible person flipping out (we've all done it and humans can be unreasonable) until her reply to the text.

She's basically back tracked, blamed you (when she suggested the coat was cut and it could only have happened in the house) and so now you are the bad guy if the friendship ends and you kick her out.

And the worst bit is "I'm out atm and we'll talk when I'm home". Who the actual fuck does she think she is?

namechangeick · 28/10/2019 17:12

God she sounds like an entitled little Madame

BarbedBloom · 28/10/2019 17:12

Lana, this is so similar to what I posted about. DH's friend had decided he was the victim and everything he did was designed to paint him that way, not just with us, but with everyone else. She will show that text to her friends so she can say she asked you and you flew off the handle. She knows exactly what she is doing and she will say you increased length of friendship to guilt trip her.

You need to discuss this as you said, but you need to ask her to move out to be honest. You couldn't live with someone who may accuse you again and then gaslight you after. That isn't okay and from her response she really isn't bothered about the friendship, sorry.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 28/10/2019 17:14

So now she's backtracking when she wouldn't accept you didn't know anything about it AND she's been slagging you off to all her mates? I think it's time you told her to collect her stuff OP!

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:14

I also added as an after text
"And you said it had to be one of us because it definitely happened here"

OP posts:
Corndollie · 28/10/2019 17:16

My husband and I both have barbour jackets. His is over 20 years old and is now probably more patch than coat!
We took both jackets to a specialist a few years ago as mine seemed to have developed several random holes.
The chap told me that because of the way barbours are produced, if they are not waxed regularly or properly, the cotton fibres will rot, causing the fabric to spontaneously split. I now wax ours every year, and they've both stayed in good condition since.
It's possible that her coat could have been in storage with the supplier for a length of time prior to purchase and had not been properly maintained.
The holes in both our coats also appeared to have been cut rather than torn.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:16

Yeah the reply has really bothered me.......

I wont be gaslighted into forgetting what she said....

She definitely said that it HAD to be in this house

OP posts:
Frouby · 28/10/2019 17:17

Ahhh fuck that shit OP.

Just say that you have no wish to discuss this matter unless it's in the form of a sincere fucking apology from her. It ds halt term, no one did anything to her fucking coat and unless she apologises for her accusations she better come back to yours, pack her shit up with minimal fuss and fuck off.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 17:17

Brilliant. Just stick to the facts of what was said. Gaslighters hate that... Although it does often enrage them so be ready.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:18

And I notice she didn't reply to the question I asked about why anyone in the house would do this.

I'm just fucking gobsmacked tbh.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 17:18

It's not going to matter how you chat or talk or discuss, she's not going to back down from playing the injured party. Time for her to move out.

Beautiful3 · 28/10/2019 17:20

I think getting it out in the open with husband and father would be a good idea. Then you should tell her that her accusation has made everyone feel uncomfortable, so it would.be better if she left.

Smelborp · 28/10/2019 17:21

She’s not going to accept your point of view. For some reason, she’s been stewing on this for days and has decided that you’re the reason she feels x, y and z. I don’t think there’s much point discussing it as it’s probably not the real problem.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 17:21

Believe me, I still cannot believe that bitch set our home on fire and then blamed us and nor could DH, but there it was. So she had to go.

mbosnz · 28/10/2019 17:21

Yeah, thinking about it, I agree - it's time to part company.

Really no point in any further discussion. She's going to twist and turn and pout and cry, and do anything other than apologise for accusing you and yours, while enjoying your hospitality.

Trust and good will are pretty much gone.

FrankieDoyle · 28/10/2019 17:22

Don't be gas lighted OP. She DID accuse you by saying it had to "have happened in this house" ...that would really anger me if I were in your shoes.

Who does she think she is?!

Redwinestillfine · 28/10/2019 17:23

Sit down with your DP and dad before she gets back and work out a game plan. Eg if she apologises and moves out the friendship may be salvageable but if she's still accusing you time to take a break. Shut down all attempts to get you to pay.