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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 28/10/2019 16:51

I'd reply with "Seriously X, I really don't understand what's happening here. I'm really hurt that you would think me or any of my family would behave this way. You sounded really angry when asking the question as well. I would be glad to discuss it later, certainly."

Preparingfor · 28/10/2019 16:51

Oh OP Sad

babyno3alc · 28/10/2019 16:53

Ive been following this post all day. I would send Rousette's msg. Id love to see her reply to that.

itswinetime · 28/10/2019 16:53

She is not being reasonable and if you think that's a reasonable text than I think you need to have a look back over the whole friendship because that is a manipulative text!

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 16:54

I don't really want her to come back tonight, but now cos she's being all reasonable if I say I don't want her here tonight I'm going to look like the bitch aren't I?

Gahhh....

You will no matter what to her and these friends she's been backstabbing you with. She's just engineered a pretext to make herself look like a victim. Just accept she's a bitch for that and pitch her out. She's one person among billions in the world, fuck her.

mbosnz · 28/10/2019 16:54

She's not being all reasonable.

She implied that you or a member of your family damaged her property. If she didn't mean to imply that, the way she talked about it with you, certainly paved the way for you legitimately inferring it. You were understandably hurt at any such implication being made about you and members of your family. And to find out that she has been airing her suspicions to other mutual friends rather than coming to you in the first place, undermining your other friendships.

I'd be texting her back and saying, 'I'm not prepared to discuss it when you get in, DS has already had his first day of half term upset by this. So we need to sort this out before you get in'.

diddl · 28/10/2019 16:54

"but now cos she's being all reasonable"

She's not though.

Reasonable would be an apology for making accusations about the jacket/asking others about it.

She's trying to turn it all onto you.

Who cares if you kick her out & she whines to her other friends?

From what I understand you don't know them so who gives a fück what they think?

And if they are such good friends that she can bitch to them as she has, then they won't see her without somewhere to stay, will they?

Throckmorton · 28/10/2019 16:54

I reckon I would reply just be restating how sad and upset you were by the things she said - like a poster above said, you're the victim here so don't allow her to turn that around

PennyBryn · 28/10/2019 16:54

“What a relief that you AREN’T accusing any member of my family of causing the damage to your coat, thanks for clarifying that. My reaction this morning reflected the fact that it appeared that you were doing exactly that. So when you do get home please do indeed clarify what you DO think happened as you say you are 100% sure it’s been cut , 100% not by yourself and 100% in my home. We will not discuss this any further by text as misunderstandings happen even more so this way”

I am rooting for you, try to keep the two issues separate, firstly the horrid accusation and secondly if this is the sort of person you want to share your home.

HollowTalk · 28/10/2019 16:55

I would be really pissed off by that reply. She's saying that your friendship doesn't mean that much - she's saying you're exaggerating the length of it and by implication the importance of it.

Be prepared to say, "This isn't working for us" when you speak to her tonight.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 16:55

Further, that you or one of your family was the culprit as there was no other explanation

Exactly. When the OP trie to ask if she could have ripped it somewhere, she insisted it was a cut with scissors and she'd asked her friends and they'd agreed.

Demeaning, insulting, rude and nasty.

There is nothing worse than being accused of something you haven't done, it makes you go on the defensive.

GrouchoMrx · 28/10/2019 16:57

Would suggest you and DH speak to her together and express your concern that her behaviour is out of character for her --but that if it can't be resolved you think it's best that she move out, although you're sad about it.

I think this is a very good suggestion. I wouldn't give her an opt out. I don't think she can remain under your roof.

Xiaoxiong · 28/10/2019 16:57

You should send Rousette's message but also add that she waited a week while she consulted with all and sundry and conducted experiments on other people's coats!

I'm so sorry OP, she doesn't seem like she has any intention of taking your olive branch. Some friend she is.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 16:59

Maybe something like this.

In the conversation this morning you did accuse my family of deliberately damaging your property. Which we did not. Since you are not prepared to make any move towards reconciliation, I think it would be best to find somewhere else to stay, ideally tonight.

AdultFishcakes · 28/10/2019 17:00

She’s being a total thundercunt.

I despise behaviour like this from folk who are meant to have your back.

Xiaoxiong · 28/10/2019 17:00

Also - don't talk to her alone again. She will twist and gaslight until you won't know what she said. Have your dad or DP or both with you - I bet you anything she will try her best to get you alone to "discuss" it.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 17:02

Lana when I had the falling out with my friend of 50 years... we met up for coffee to try and clear the air. I went in expecting a hug and some flowers from her. Stupid me! As soon as I arrived I knew I was in for a battering. She literally verbally attacked me, said I had said things that I 100% hadn't. She rewrote history about the conversation with the original incident.

Just bear in mind... she's had notice of your feelings and she is going to possibly lie and say she will deny what she said. She's already doing it now, saying she didn't accuse you.
She did.

Apolloanddaphne · 28/10/2019 17:02

Crikey, she is gaslighting you!

PJsatMidday · 28/10/2019 17:03

It's a Mumsnet classic from Maya Angelou: "When someone shows
you who they are, believe them."

She's not your friend. Tell her to leave.

BettysLeftTentacle · 28/10/2019 17:03

No she isn’t being reasonable.

‘A I have told you that nobody in this house had ripped your coat, yet you are still insisting it was done here. I’m assuming you didn’t do it yourself so what are you saying exactly if you’re not accusing us of doing it? I am horrified and heartbroken that you could think this of us after all we’ve been through together over the years. I would appreciate if we didn’t discuss this at home as DS was upset earlier and I don’t want to upset him further. Not one person in my family has touched your coat and that is the end of it. If you can’t accept it then I’m afraid this is the end of the road for our friendship and our lodging agreement.’

NoSquirrels · 28/10/2019 17:03

I would reply to say:

Look, Friend, I don’t really want to talk about it again - we did that this morning. You’ve “asked me the question” about whether anyone here has deliberately CUT your jacket. It certainly felt like an accusation when you said you’d been discussing it with people and they all agreed it couldn’t be an accident. I was upset (and still am) that you could even think that was likely. Not sure what else we can discuss?”

Blahblahblahnanana · 28/10/2019 17:05

I’d reply “there really isn’t anything further to discuss. I’ve already said that no one has touched your coat. Please keep your personal belonging in your room from now on, that way we can’t be blamed for any dance to your personal belongings”

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 17:06

She's being all calm and reasonable so you need to do the same OP.

Here's my suggested reply:

"Put yourself in my position. You said that you were sure the damage happened while the coat was here, and that you're sure it was cut not ripped. How can that not be an accusation that I (or someone else in this house) deliberately harmed your stuff?"

AdultFishcakes · 28/10/2019 17:06

This would actually be enough in itself for me to tell her to leave.

Honestly.

At one time I’d have begged and pleaded not to end a relationship of 20 years but I don’t buy into the sunk costs theory anymore.

She’s de facto turned on you and that’s horrible. And under your own roof too, what a cow.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 17:06

I've gone short and sweet??

"You explicitly said it was cut, not ripped. How is that not accusing anyone? I want us ALL to sit down and talk about this Dp and Dad included"

OP posts: