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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Louloulovesyou · 28/10/2019 16:41

Wow that reply is awful. She sounds horribly manipulative, making out that you are the bonkers one, it's like she is gaslighting you. I am really not sure your friendship can survive this.

Sunsetsunrise1527 · 28/10/2019 16:42

Can't believe how rude she was!

Follow up with:

'We have taken you into our home and you should have trusted that none of us would hurt your possessions as we are trying to support you.

If you can believe that of my family, then you are welcome to find somewhere else to stay.'

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:42

Yeah the pedantry got me too...what the fuck?

Surely everyone does that, especially when it breaks down to a couple of years??

Just feels like a horrible dig.

I'm stumped.

OP posts:
Whiskers14 · 28/10/2019 16:43

She's trying to gaslight you into misremembering how she confronted you earlier, presumably because your text has made her realise she might lose her accommodation if she's not careful.

ClanGreyRock · 28/10/2019 16:43

Says everything you need to know that she doesn't mention your feelings at all Hmm. Doesn't acknowledge the word "love"...who's the one being defensive?

20 years it's just another way of saying a very long time which she pettily ignores by saying its 17 which is still ages.

She doesn't deserve you, frankly.

Illberidingshotgun · 28/10/2019 16:44

Well that's classic gaslighting, which is emotional abuse. You do not have to put up with abuse from anyone, particularly in your own home. She may well have been your friend, but she's not now.

itswinetime · 28/10/2019 16:44

'You came to me saying that you have undertaken experiments and discussed this issue with other friends before me that certainly felt like an accusation.

I don't know why you would think anyone in this house would purposefully damage your property but obviously our 17 year friendship isn't what I thought it was please find your self somewhere else to live I think it's best you leave by x date'

leomama81 · 28/10/2019 16:44

Yes I think I'd be saying it was time for her to leave too. After all you've only been friends for 17, not 20 years Hmm

diddl · 28/10/2019 16:44

"She was saying it must have been done here "

Well if that's true then she wasn't just asking if you/anyone else knew what had happened, was she?

She wants to talk about it when she gets in??

Must be tempting to say that there is no more "in" for her.

She can pack & go!

HowlinProwlin · 28/10/2019 16:45

Oh yeah, gaslight gaslight gaslight...

'I didn't accuse you'...' you are making a big deal out of nothing'... 'i only mentioned it'...

And then 'and she kicked me out over NOTHING.. after almost 20 years of friendship...'..

I dunno what to suggest here, I suspect chasing her out of your home with a broom is not acceptable..

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 16:46

I'm out at the moment and will talk to you about it when I get in. I'm more than happy to talk about it and I haven't accused anyone....I've asked you the question and you've flown off the handle"

WTAF? She's dictating to you the terms under which you will behave when she lives in your home for next to nothing? She's a gaslighting bitch.

'You can stay out, actually. Your new coat that you bought whilst eating my £30 worth of food will keep you warm. Let me know when you want to collect your belongings. I'm sure all those friends whom you badmouth me to will be happy to put you up for the same amount you pay us. Goodbye.'

ElspethFlashman · 28/10/2019 16:46

"I am saddened more than anything as I have been so glad to be able to share our home with you"

Play the victim card. Sad and hurt. She's trying to change the narrative to you being the aggressor. You have to change tack and be the victim. Which means just...... disappointed. That needs to be your PR tactic.

HowlinProwlin · 28/10/2019 16:46

Wait a second Oh yes I do...

When she comes back, have the door deadlocked, when she knocks...

'Oh HELLO friend.. how lovely to see you?... You want to come in, why?... I'm sorry, you don't live here? why would you think you live here? How very strange, no you don't live here you must have made a mistake... xyz and abc live here...'

(Yeah, stole that from Friends when Chandler has the creepy room mate).

Roussette · 28/10/2019 16:47

That is awful.

No idea how to respond. She should not be setting the timetable with when she'll see you. Cheeky mare.

Maybe say ... "You insisted it was done here in the house, you insisted it was not a rip but had been cut, you accused me and my family. If I'm around tonight and feel able to, I will talk to you. Just bear in mind I am not only very very upset but I am furious also that you have consulted with your 'friends' to back up your accusation."

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:47

So stupidly I replied to the pedant text...

"Yes I know that, but it's easier saying 20 years than working it out"

Which is pathetic I know.

I don't really want her to come back tonight, but now cos she's being all reasonable if I say I don't want her here tonight I'm going to look like the bitch aren't I?

Gahhh....

OP posts:
beachcomber70 · 28/10/2019 16:47

It's backtracking, distorting and putting the ball back into your court...making you the bad guy. Gaslighting and calculated to make you feel guilty.
She would like to stay with you...it suits her. Whether you can live under the same roof now [and for how long] and forget this is questionable.

AloeVeraLynn · 28/10/2019 16:48

I wouldn't want her back at my house. If it were me I'd be giving her notice.

Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 16:49

I don't think she knows what side her bread is buttered on, to act like this when you're putting her up!

It sounds like she's somehow lost the plot.

I hope the two of you soon work it out. If she doesn't stop it soon, I agree with the others that you'll have to ask her to leave. Everyone has their random and loopy moments sometimes, what matters is whether she stops it in time for it not to be hard for the friendship to come back from.

I've put up with someone who started being a twat in a lot of ways, who eventually snapped out of it and has now been my best friend for numerous years. It was worth it, but I think her doing this while she's in your home complicates it. She must somehow not realise the position she's putting herself in.

So sorry to hear your DP has been poorly, hope he's doing well and wishing you all the best. xxxxx

dollyandshirl · 28/10/2019 16:49

yeah awful reply.

she started an argument and is re-framing her shitty treatment of you. Fuck that. She needs to go quick smart, with a barbour bootprint on her arse.

Your name might be mud to others for a while, just trust that people aren't stupid and ignore it, they'll already know you kindly put her up,

BeesKnees4 · 28/10/2019 16:49

Next text, Think it’s time for you to find new accommodation as this living here isn’t working, I’d appreciate you sorting it out by Friday, cheery bye you daft cunto!

CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 16:49

I think it is hard to know what to reply. Obviously she needs to find somewhere else now but not sure how to word it.

Any reply will be shown to pals as 'evidence' of your unreasonableness, but I think you basically have to harden yourself to that.

Louloulovesyou · 28/10/2019 16:49

I like what Rousette said. See her squirm her way out of that one.

dollyandshirl · 28/10/2019 16:50

so look like a bitch. unleash you're inner bitch. you've given birth, you can handle this person.

testingtesting111 · 28/10/2019 16:50

But she didn't just ask an innocent question. She explained to you that she had tested out her theory that her coat had been deliberately cut. Further, that you or one of your family was the culprit as there was no other explanation.

She clearly accused someone of deliberately vandalising her property. Any sane person would be defensive. I would most definitely have "flown off the handle" at the sheer injustice of the accusation.

I can't see how you can salvage this. She needs to go ASAP. The longer she is there the more likely it is things will escalate - she can go to her mums. Your home should be a safe place, don't leave yourself / family vulnerable in order to be a "bigger" or "better" person. She has shown she isn't worth it.

KindOranges · 28/10/2019 16:50

but now cos she's being all reasonable

No, she's not, OP. Don't be silly. 'Reasonable' would be saying 'You know what, I was completely mad to accuse someone who has been nothing but generous to me of slitting my stupid Tory coat -- let me apologise from the heart and take you out for dinner somewhere expensive.'

And yes, she's now casting you as the aggressor and herself as the wounded, baffled victim.

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