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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Chloe8823 · 28/10/2019 16:06

She sounds round the twist and bloody ungrateful too! I'd tell her to piss off!

amicissimma · 28/10/2019 16:06

"(Apparently she did a "test" with a friends old one and according to her there is "NO WAY" it could be an accidental rip- which tbh even when she said it I was like...really?)"

"Apparently she has spoken to several friends and they all agree that it couldn't have been a rip??

Also she has been sitting on it for a week.

And yeah I am fucking weirded out by that as well....that's she's speaking to all her other friends about this...most of whom don't know me at all....friends in London etc."

So this isn't a 'oh no, there's a tear in my coat, perhaps Lana knows something about it, I'll ask her' scenario. Which ends in her apologising for jumping to conclusions about you in a moment of stress. This is a 'go round bad-mouthing Lana to our mutual friends over the last week, then accusing her' scenario.

I would be extremely hurt and would say to her that it seems that as her view of our relationship is rather different from mine (yours) I think it would be better if she found somewhere else to live by the end of the week.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 16:09

She has to respond, she has no option, she is living there at the moment, she can hardly pretend Lana hasn't written to her.

Nonnymum · 28/10/2019 16:09

It's sounds very odd behaviour from her. Is she mentally stable? Seems very odd to blame a close fríend who is actually letting them stay in in their house of deliberately cutting their coat. Surely most people would just think there had been some sort of accident somewhere.
I am not surprised you are hurt.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 16:11

it'll be interesting to know where she thinks she's sleeping tonight Grin

sonjadog · 28/10/2019 16:11

I think there is probably something else going on with her and it has come to the surface in this rather strange way. I think your text is good. You may well have to ask her to move out, but after many years´ friendship, I would give her a chance first.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/10/2019 16:11

Good luck op, how awful of her to be like this. Over a coat ffs. 20 years of friendship potentially ruined over a £200 coat.

A £200 coat she’d probably have a hard time buying if you weren’t being so lovely and inviting her into your family home so she can save.

She is an ungrateful disgrace, how dare she pin this on you and your family.

3luckystars · 28/10/2019 16:12

After your latest update, she is an asshole. Get her out of your house and your life.

Illberidingshotgun · 28/10/2019 16:13

Very odd behaviour. That's an excellent text, and how she behaves next will be very telling. A true friend would apologise profusely and admit to being a complete idiot about it all, offering to do something to make it up to you all such a cook a lovely meal, babysit so you can both go out, etc. I would be devastated if I my actions had hurt and upset a friend.

However if she doesn't immediately offer you a genuine, grovelling apology, and you feel the relationship has changed, I think you need to think very seriously about asking her to leave asap. I dread to think what she will accuse one of you of doing next. Be very careful, OP.

incognitomum · 28/10/2019 16:13

Text was nicer than I'd have sent.

The telling everyone about it is so weird. And why not just try to rip a part of her own coat? Hmm

You say that she really isn't like this. You have heard of people's marriages breaking down and a totally different personality has emerged from a spouse. Sometimes we don't always see the whole picture. Her true colours may just be coming to the fore.

The fact she doesn't invite you out speaks volumes.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 28/10/2019 16:13

Just read the thread- good text. The only thing I'd suggest in a future text is something along the lines of;

I can see that you're upset that your lovely new coat is damaged. I'm upset that you seem adamant that somebody in my household has vandalised your property. I am certain that none of us have. I don't want us to fall out but I don't know how to fix this. Do you have any suggestions?

Ariela · 28/10/2019 16:14

Barbours DO rip - and I'd imagine modern ones to be less substantial than mine was in 1984: brand new less than a week old, caught it on the Pyracantha by the gate into my friend's garden when I turned round. Small rip about 2cm long. It was a men's jacket too - would expect man's to be hardier than a ladies more fancy one too.

leomama81 · 28/10/2019 16:14

I think what you sent is a good text OP. If she doesn't respond, or come back and apologize, then you can take further steps to remedy the situation then.

I don't actually think it would be terrible for your Dad to mention it to hers if they are good friends. It is so baffling and paranoid that he could just ask if she is ok on the basis that you've been accused of this extremely bizarre act and you are concerned. I wouldn't rule out there being some MH element here as it is just such an odd thing to come up with and even odder to fixate on in this way (depression for example can sometimes lead to quite obsessive thoughts about people having issues with you).

Of course, if none of that is true and she continues to accuse you of this then I personally would not be able to live in a situation like that.

quickentheprocess · 28/10/2019 16:17

if only jeremy kyle and his lie detectors were still here, this wouldnt be an issue and you would be vindicated.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 16:17

I think your text was good - fair and leaves space for a good outcome while also expressing your side.

Preparingfor · 28/10/2019 16:17

Great text OP, I'd be heartbroken too Flowers

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:21

I really really had to restrain myself from saying "of course I was fucking defensive...you basically accused us/me of vandalising your coat for a petty gripe"

But I didn't cos somehow, that sounded.....defensive??

God it's been all day and it still feels so surreal..
I literally don't know what to do with myself right now, I can't believe this has happened.

OP posts:
FreeBedForFlys · 28/10/2019 16:22

Great text.

I’d be heartbroken if one of my friends genuinely thought I’d do such a thing.

I predict she’ll stick to her guns and you’ll end up having to Chuck her out. I’m sorry 💐

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:24

I also had to stop myself from asking her if she knows Barbours actually fucking rip (thanks *Roussette!) but I just CBA with all that petty shit.

I'm just fucking gutted that one of my only lasting friendships is going to shit this way.

Thank you everyone for all the support.

OP posts:
BlackberryGin · 28/10/2019 16:24

Sorry, haven't had time to RTFT although have read all of the OP's posts, but do you know where she bought it?

There's a Barbour Factory Shop in the North East (South Shields) that sells all of the seconds, ends-of-line and samples. Any chance that she could have visited that outlet?

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 28/10/2019 16:27

I went to that factory shop! Bought a beautiful Barbour horse riding show jacket. First wear I dismounted and ripped every single damn button off Blush 🤣

Roussette · 28/10/2019 16:28

Yes, it could be seconds, but if she did pay full price, I betcha they would mend it for free. They have a big reputation to keep.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:28

Oh god I have a reply and I'm too fucking chicken shit to open it.

Am I allowed to have a gin before I do??

My fucking old anxiety is fucking coming back...shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:29

Please give me the courage to open it
All my big words and I'm reduced to a quivering wreck

OP posts:
WomensRightsAreContraversial · 28/10/2019 16:29

And nobody in their right mind tries to rip even an old Barbour!

I shall henceforth call her Barbara the Barbour-Bitch