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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 28/10/2019 15:44

Well done. That's very calm and conciliatory.

Happityhap · 28/10/2019 15:45

A very good text. Best of luck.

Whiskers14 · 28/10/2019 15:46

Agree with PP - change last line to say 'I don't know what to say'.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 15:47

That sounds great Lana. It's you who has the relationship with her so only you will know how to pitch the communication

And it means she has to respond.

Wherearemycrayons · 28/10/2019 15:47

I think your text is perfect, OP. Can’t believe she’s acted like this!

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 15:49

Yeah thanks reasonable I will change it to that.

RandomWok....I don't think I'm a better person...more of a pushover when it comes to this friend maybe??

OP posts:
thehorseandhisboy · 28/10/2019 15:49

That's a great text OP. I think you're absolutely right in being the bigger person in this and putting the ball firmly in A's court.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 15:49

OMG OP.... this is going round in pointless circles

you need to take control back.. this person is living in your HOME ffs.. and she's ripping you all up to every one of your other friends, and you're mincing around with asking pointless questions about he jacket.

Tell her to move the hell out ?!

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 15:50

But yeah I just want her to have to respond.

OP posts:
msmith501 · 28/10/2019 15:51

I have a few straight cuts / tears on my Barbour. One was barb wire, one was actually caused by me taking it off in hurry... I think the wax makes some of the edges very sharp and prone to tearing along the edge lines... I may be wrong but I actually saw it tear in front of my eyes ...

.... and as an observation, I suggest that there may be something else going on with your friend. It seems a huge over-reaction given your long friendship. It might be worth exploring?

Ponoka7 · 28/10/2019 15:52

If this blows up anymore, i wouldn't stop your Dad from speaking to her Dad. After all he has, been accused of quite a twisted act.

Until you gave your ages I was going to suggest that it could be Menopausal.

Does she want children? Perhaps she has a level of jealousy towards you.

I do wonder if this is spurred in by posh friend.

On the whole she sounds unwell.

CeefaCasperTheFriendlyGhost · 28/10/2019 15:52

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow 🤣 will you be my friend? I think we'd get on brilliantly!

OP your friend is a CF! Even if I ridiculously thought someone had cut my coat on purpose, I'd stop and think "Well they're kind enough to live here practically rent free, I'll keep my gob shut, maybe it was a genuine accident after all. Maybe I caught it on something."

Like PPs have said, if she can afford a Barbour coat she can afford to hot foot it out of your house and find somewhere else to live.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 15:54

But yeah I just want her to have to respond.

She won't respond to that... it has no bite.

She WOULD have responded too... You're belongings are packed, please collect them today.

Blatherskite · 28/10/2019 15:57

I had a friend like this. We went from fine to her ghosting me within a few days. I never did get to the bottom of it but there were lots of suggestions that she was jealous.

Happityhap · 28/10/2019 15:58

You're belongings are packed, please collect them today.

That can be the follow up, if she doesn't get back to OP and / or if she stays elsewhere tonight.

JasonPollack · 28/10/2019 15:59

Have you sent it? If not I might include a direct question, like Are you coming back to mine this evening so we can speak?
Forces her to respond otherwise I worry she will just ignore

Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 16:00

Dear ex friend your stuff is in the garden. Please post key...
much more concise...

AdultFishcakes · 28/10/2019 16:00

Yeah I wouldn’t send that text as it doesn’t force a resolution.

Better to say “when are we meeting to sort this out? Before you come back to my house obviously”.

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:01

Well have sent it, with the modification.

Just have to wait I guess..

BTW, I didn't go all "pick up your shit" because after reading everyone's replies, and thinking on it....I think that would would have just given her the ammunition with other friends to say "look, she's a shit, she just wanted me out", whereas this way, she can't just say I'm a bitch, and I like the idea of asking her to explain.

If she gives me bullshit or weasily words then yeah, the next one is gonna be, well, a lot different.

OP posts:
CanISpeakToYourManager · 28/10/2019 16:05

My only thought would be to add:

"How do you see things moving forward?"

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 28/10/2019 16:05

I think that's a perfectly fair text to send.

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 16:05

And face to face isn't an option cos DS is here, and I can't get someone to look after him, so whatever we speak about is going to be with DS there, and I think he's had enough shit for one year (DP had a heart attack in July and she fucking knows that as well)

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/10/2019 16:05

It's kind of gaslighting behaviour from your friend. Accuse you of something unpleasant with no good grounds to do so. Then you are in the situation of maybe ending your relationship. She tells your mutual friends you threw her out. You're the bad guy...

But why? I don't know... jealous or resentful?

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 16:05

OP you're certainly not a bitch, but you have a friend who has taken the massive piss out of you and your family, and is now kicking dirt in your face.

You're likely just too darned kind. Flowers

Didiusfalco · 28/10/2019 16:05

Good text, calm and about as kind and understanding as you could be in the circumstances.