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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
leomama81 · 28/10/2019 15:08

Lhastings some housemates in uni halls is a very very different situation from a lifelong friend at presumably age 35-40 plus who has invited you into her family home to help you out. You seem to be starting from the idea that it's completely normal to suspect anyone of such a random thing, based on your own experience.

eddielizzard · 28/10/2019 15:10

@thehorseandhisboy so sorry for your loss. Flowers Heartbreaking. And to have your sister treat you like that as well. Just when you need kindness and understanding.

BarbedBloom · 28/10/2019 15:12

Do you know what, something very similar happened with us and it was equally as bizarre. We had one of DH's friends staying with us, friends for 25 years. It was fine at first but gradually he started going out with other friends and leaving DH out. We had no idea why, but assumed it was just needing space because he was living with us.

One day he came in and was absolutely furious. He was shouting that DH had damaged his laptop. DH obviously hadn't, he had his own for a start and we didn't go into friend's room. But he was totally convinced. We pointed out he had taken it out several times during the week and the fact he sometimes threw the bag on the floor as he came in, but no, DH had done it. He then stormed out. Argument started again next day during which friend called us smug and said we flaunted our relationship and nice life in front of him and clearly looked down on him for having to stay with us. DH was terribly hurt and tried to talk to friend, but he was adamant we thought he was pathetic. He moved out a few days later and that was the end of a 25 year friendship. It was so weird. To him he had one nice thing and we had ruined it to put him back in his place. I still don't understand where it all came from.

Just sharing OP as it does sound similar, like she has got it in her head that maybe you resent her jacket or something. I hope you find a resolution, but I will say, a line was crossed that day and friend had to move out, it wasn't sustainable for him to stay after the accusation.

thehorseandhisboy · 28/10/2019 15:12

Thanks eddielizzard. It was a long time ago and I was utterly devastated that she could behave like that at the time of course.

I can see it differently now, and grief does strange things to people.

8BumbleBee8 · 28/10/2019 15:14

You sound defensive and dismissive of her concern. I'm not saying that someone in your house did it but you don't know if someone in your house didn't.
I would say cool down a bit.

QuimReaper · 28/10/2019 15:15

This is so utterly bizarre. Sorry it's happening to you OP, I'd be incredibly stressed and hurt.

I agree with other posters that you should let her make the first move. The consulting many people sounds like she's really worked herself up over it - I can't think why other friends haven't said "but why would Lana do that?" but it sounds like they've egged her on.

Binglebong · 28/10/2019 15:16

I know you say you've been friends with her for twenty years but you haven't really. She was ten and you were fifteen - a huge gap ar that age. Later on when she was fifteen you were twenty - a fully fledged adult with responsabilities while she was a stroppy teen. I'm not suggesting you didn't get on but it is not really friendship. When she was an adult then yes, I can see one developing. But I get the impression she still sees you as a big sister- someone who takes care of her and puts up with her shit while she plays house without experiencing any of the difficulties that go along with it.

The point is that this relationship is not equal. I'm not sure what you should do, without knowing the people involved it's impossible, but I would have a look at what the relationship is really like.

QuimReaper · 28/10/2019 15:17

Barbed that's a very similar situation, how interesting.

Cambionome · 28/10/2019 15:18

Of course she is defensive Bumble - she is being accused of doing a really spiteful and destructive thing! Anyone would feel defensive! Confused

Jaxhog · 28/10/2019 15:20

I was starting to feel like her obliging landlady rather than her friend

I wonder if she now she's you as a LL too, rather than a friend. This happened to me many years ago when a friend stayed for a few months. The friendship withered for a bit, but we are friends again now (30 years later). Although she never accused me of anything like your friend has.

The problem now is that she has lost your trust, seemingly because she feels she can't trust you. Irrational, I know, but it suggests she no longer see's you as a friend. I think it's unlikely this can be easily recovered, which means she has to go.

Good luck!

EKGEMS · 28/10/2019 15:21

Lhastingmua Nobody knows when or where or how coat was damaged and to flatly accuse a friend and her family who is allowing her to stay is ridiculous-no proof whatsoever has been produced

BarbedBloom · 28/10/2019 15:22

@QuimReaper Indeed, I just wonder if friend has got something similar into her head, maybe or maybe not encouraged by other friends. To this day we still sometimes talk about whether we had somehow been oblivious to how we were coming across and how he was feeling or if the laptop was an excuse to end the friendship. It is so upsetting and you second guess yourself so much.

Andromeida59 · 28/10/2019 15:31

So sorry this has happened, OP. It must have come as a dreadful shock.

A couple of thoughts have sprung to mind:
Did she steal it? Could the hole have been caused by removing a security device?
Or
Could she be angling to stay with Barbour Boy and is using this to move out?

Whatever this friendship was, I think it has come to an end. I'm not sure if it's possible to come back from something like this.

3luckystars · 28/10/2019 15:32

Look I think it's best that you move out this week because you have accused my family of something we would never do, and we are all hurt. None of us have touched it but its clearly more important to you than anything on earth, including our friendship so I have passed the details on to Colleen Rooney. Hopefully she will be able help regarding the crime against your coat because we can't help you.
Please move your things this week so we can put this behind us. Thank you.

Garfieldsarm · 28/10/2019 15:33

Post this thread on Twitter to Barbour and see if they will send her a new one.

They won't, but they'll probably enjoy the drama.

Chronicallymothering · 28/10/2019 15:34

I think I'd find this situation really sad. She is effectively valuing a thing, a material possession, a status symbol over and above a 20 year friendship (and a place to live). I'm not sure I could continue to live with someone with values like that when you're so obviously struggling financially to add an extra body to your household and doing her a favour. You don't share the same values OP, that's why it's so upsetting.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 15:38

Hey everyone, thanks for all the messages and support.

Have had a nice lunch with DS and played snakes and ladders....he's totally excited about the bonus time on Minecraft I've just given him so am free to sort this shit for a while.

Sorry can't namecheck everyone.....but have read every reply.

thehorseandhisboy fuck....I'm so sorry Flowers but yeah it's weird isn't it??

BarbedBloom That is freakily similar actually, what the hell goes on in their minds? Thanks for sharing that.

OK,
Am have put big girl pants on and am going to go for a clear, concise, but opened ended text, not because I'm happy to have her back, or will let it go, but I like the idea of kind of making her explain herself.
I will not also go in all guns blazing so.....

Hey A.
I am very disappointed hurt and upset that after 20 years of friendship that you would think this of anyone in our family.
No one has touched your coat.
Have spoken to DP and Dad and both are gutted and hurt.
We love you, we wouldn't have invited you here to live if we didn't.
Can you please explain why you think anyone one of us would do this?
I don't know what to say to you anymore.
Lana

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/10/2019 15:41

That'll do nicely.

Whiskers14 · 28/10/2019 15:42

I think that's a decent, non-threatening text that makes it clear how upset you are but still leaves the door open on your friendship, which from your previous posts you clearly aren't ready to throw away completely. If she replies aggressively, then you know what to do.

RandomWok · 28/10/2019 15:42

Ouch. I'd be tempted to text her and ask her to collect her things. I wouldn't be able to sit back in my mates house and take advantage. Which she clearly is. If you were reasonably comfortable then asking a tiny amount is fair enough. But she knows you are not and chooses not to pay you a fair amount.

My husband had a Barbour jacket and trashed it within a year. Ripped poppers off and ripped a pocket off. He works in an office, that was from walking the dog!

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 15:42

Sorry "Am have" should obviously be "I have".........

OP posts:
Cambionome · 28/10/2019 15:42

Good text. I think you may have to resign yourself to never quite getting to the bottom of this, though, because it really doesn't make any fucking sense... Sad

reasonablesettlement · 28/10/2019 15:43

I would swap the last line for the following

I don't know what else I can say

RandomWok · 28/10/2019 15:43

Cross post!

Clearly you are a much nicer person than me. Flowers

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 15:44

Will send shortly unless anyone has any other suggestions??

OP posts:
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