Massive weird row with friend???

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

Hmmm. I don't know your friend or your situation, but if it were my friend and I had known her for 20 years and she really was behaving out of character, I would take a breath here. She's gone a bit crazy for some reason; sometimes people go off half cocked over something stupid. It happens! If you value her friendship, give her some space to slink back in and say sorry. Sometimes people are twats. It's not an eternal truth about them; it's just that sometimes even pretty great people are utter fannies. Don't escalate the situation and lose something you value on the say so of strangers who are losing nothing.

If you don't value her, of course, let her go.

@FiveGoMadInDorset preferably with the rip fixed with bailer twine... or black nasty 😆

What a horrible situation. I'm really shocked though that she's spending hundreds on an expensive jacket when you are struggling to make ends meet. Assuming she has another jacket that means she could've given you that money for fuel and food and still been in the same financial position herself.

She's cheeky! Living in your house at a low rent and buying nice stuff. She should be saving and moving out!

Lhastingsmua
Why help her finding a seamstress to mend it when she's accused you of deliberately cutting it?
Madness

I found conkers in my pockets when I checked how many rips I had in mine!

Lhastingsmua I saw that, and I still think it's dreadful doormatty advice.
But thanks for your concern about my reading skills

I am desperately upset about your unpleasant accusations this morning. We have been friends for 20 years and you are living at a greatly reduced amount in my home because I thought it would be nice. Now you have accused me or someone in this household of being a vandal and a liar. Why on earth would one of us maliciously damage your coat? What would we possibly have to gain from that? If you could shed any light on your thoughts on this it might help me see it from your perspective because right now I can tell you that I am very hurt and bewildered by it all. Why dont you come back this evening, grab a few things and stay at your dad’s for the next couple of nights. We both need space to cool off and re-evaluate the living situation as I am not sure I can bring myself to offer hospitality to someone who clearly thinks so little of me.”

Also, Barbours are only really posh once they are old, seriously beaten up and have a few dings in them.....so someone has done her a favour .

Is she mentally well? Your dads are friends can you have a word with him ( or her mum) and say how concerned/ devastated you are ?
Just to be absolutely sure I’d have word with 7 year along lines of “you are not in trouble it’s really important I know if you had an accident with her coat”

Don't send a text and don't bring it to MN for approval. She's your friend of 20 years. Advice from your DF - who knows you both and has witnessed your relationship whilst she's been living with you - will be much more beneficial than anything that will be said by posters here. I'd assume she's feeling foolish. Give her space to back down and apologise rather than throwing her out, ending the friendship, etc.

She has discussed it (and presumably you) with various other people before confronting you?!?!
This is not the actions of a friend. She should have spoken to you before speaking about you.

My sister did something not that dissimilar to this years ago.

I was utterly flabbergasted at the time and it still makes no real sense, but the underlying reason was her envy of me having my own home, not being able to express that because we were doing her a favour, but needing to find something to feel aggrieved about so that she could scream at me about how badly I treated her (which was also about a coat strangely enough but something different).

I didn't treat her badly at all - she just needed someone to scream at about how aggrieved she felt.

We did ask her to leave immediately, but our baby had just died and it was just before her cremation and we couldn't handle her volatility.

In your shoes, I would probably ask A that if she isn't able to accept that you nor anyone in your house damaged her coat, then you both need a break from each other and she needs to make plans to stay somewhere else.

Crazy. Time for her to move on.

Leave her stuff out in black bin bags. Change the locks.

Enjoy the rest of your day with DS.

I wouldn't want this "friend" back in my house with her crazy accusations.

I find this kind of thing bizarre, if I find an item of clothing ripped I don’t jump to the conclusion that someone did it, why would anyone assume their jacket was deliberately damaged!
I wouldn’t have her in my house any longer, she’s casting aspersions and behaving horribly over a jacket.

A friend of mine (we’d met aged 7) had a similar meltdown with me. She’d tried to ring me from somewhere in Asia to tell me she was at a party with someone famous we’d met years before. She didn’t get through so told me this later. I asked her not to try to ring at the crack of dawn as my dh would’ve just gone to bed from work. She cut all contact. A mutual friend said it was cos I’d asked her not to ring so early (well, yeah!) but that it was it, friendship of over 20 years gone. So weird.

I’d done loads for her previously, rescued her from a house when her housemates effectively kicked her out, taken her in every time during our childhood when she ran away from home.

I can understand why she might be peed off with me telling her not to phone at 5am, but I can’t understand why she chucked away decades of friendship.

I'm with LHastings here. There's a big difference between being calm and assertive and 'going absolutely batshit crazy' etc., which, tbh, no one I know in real life would ever really do. If you go completely over board and demand she leaves immediately etc. you'll just back her into a corner and look as ridiculous as she does. Who knows what on earth is going through her head, but give her a chance to realise she's being a prat and the opportunity to back down. Just tell her not to be so ridiculous, she's one if your oldest and best friends and none of you would dream of deliberately damaging her things. With luck she'll come to you in the next few days to apologise and you can tell her the accusation really heart your feelings, particularly as she means so much to you. If that doesn't happen, then whatever the motivation for her accusation I'm sure she'll plan on leaving soon anyway, and maybe the friendship will die off, which is very sad, but there's no need for all the drama. Anyone who knows you will know you would never do such a thing and anyone who doesn't doesn't matter.

I agree with everyone on this thread except Lhastingsmua. After twenty years of friendship this is bizarre behaviour by your friend and can think of no good reason for it.

I can understand your reticence about asking her to leave but I think that's due to shock.

I personally wouldn't text but when she returns tell her in no uncertain terms not only how offended you are but also upset and puzzled that she could suggest such a thing. Tell her how she has upset your family, especially your DS and would she like to apologise for making such an absurd accusation? If she refuses to back down then I think you have to tell her staying is not going to work and she should make plans to leave by the end of the week. I don't see how she can possibly remain if she persists.

Is there a chance that she is using this coat incident as an excuse to move out? She has already spread the idea amongst her other friends that it's been done maliciously. Sort of helps her to gloss over the fact that she's been living off your family for almost free and gives her an excuse?

I had a friend of many years do something friendship-ending a few years back. I couldn't believe that she actually meant for us to stop being friends and it took me a couple of months to really accept it. I don't blame you for being in denial about what she's done but the sooner you accept it the better. It's so painful I know.

OP don't throw away 20 years of friendship because of the people on MN, they aren't emotionally invested.

She's been a shit, a bad friend and she's taken the piss. But it doesn't sound like it's always been this way.

She needs to realise she's been an arsehole, she owes you a massive apology and she needs to stop what she's doing a realise what's a good friend she's got.

But surely 20 years of good friendship (until now!) is worth at least trying to salvage?

That's not to suggest you should let it go though, no way.

My Barbour is covered in scratches and small rips and holes.

I would t do a thing OP. I'd wait for her to make the first move.

@EKGEMS funnily enough I had housemates that tampered with my belongings & post (uni halls) so I can relate to the friend’s perspective. It’s such a frustrating feeling when your belongings are ruined at home of all places, by someone you live with, so I can understand why the friend would be annoyed if someone purposely cut her coat. It’s certainly weird.

If I felt the friend was nasty/ungrateful then I’d tell her to leave.

I'd tell her you'd like to talk about the earlier conversation. Recap and clarify it.

'Explain again about your coat', 'how do you think it was damaged?', 'why do you think it was damaged here?', 'who do you think did it?', 'do you believe it was done on purpose?', 'why do you think that?', 'this makes me fell xyz because of xyz, what do you think should happen next?'.

Based on her answers, tell her what you want to happen next. E.g. 'I am disappointed and upset, I thought we had a close friendship. We all really care about you however, based on what you have just said indicates you do not feel this way and I need to put my family first. Please can you xyz.'

Or if you need time to think, just say that.

I agree with some.of the others point of view.
I think she has been influenced by other friends and is wanting out of the friendship.

Let's be honest it's not just about the coat as she has not been inviting you.out with mutual friends so she has a bee in her bonnet with you about something.

Maybe just ask her what the problem is and what her problem is with you. I think the only way to find out is to be straight up.

She is saving for a house yet has a good social life. Going out to see mutual friends and never thinks to invite you. What kind of friend is that? Something else has happened. This is not just about the coat as she is potentially throwing away a good friendship so I think it is something deeper that she has an issue with you about.x