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Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/10/2019 14:15

"It's a lovely coat and I know it's new to you, but it was probably done by accident by the previous owner. It'll be dead easy for you to mend and you'll still have got yourself a massive bargain as those coats cost a fortune when they're brand new."

"But it was brand new when I bought it!"

"WHAT?!?!?! You mean you know full well how much we're struggling for money at the moment, and that we let you stay here for a nominal amount to help you save for your own house - and you can afford to buy one of those BRAND NEW?!?!?!"

"Um, er, yes, right.... well, it's like this, ummmm."

"Oh well, never mind - I'm glad you're doing loads better for money now. You know how much of a struggle it's been for us supporting you when you weren't very well off; it'll be much easier now we can renegotiate a fairer rent, now you're in a position to pay it until you move out."

HowlinProwlin · 28/10/2019 14:19

I am pondering this..

She buys a jacket that is quite expensive..

She notices a rip in jacket, she feels bad, because she knows she shouldn't really have bought jacket whilst freeloading off her mate.

That guilt eats at her, she expresses her annoyance at the rip (but not why she feels guilty and so annoyed) to Barbour Boy who posits the idea that someone ELSE ripped it... and feeds her crap about how it must be you/your family...

She starts to believe that because its easier than talking about her real feelings...

Something like that anyway, humans are funny creatures!

I'd want to text something that gives her a way to back out, climb off her high horse... but makes it clear you are very upset.

'Dear Friend,

I am beyond upset that you would believe me or family would resort to damaging your property rather than talking to you.

I am worried because this is not like you, and would like to talk to you to sort out this misunderstanding.

However if you don't want to talk it over, I think it best we end this living arrangement and you find yourself somewhere else to live.'

InkyToesies · 28/10/2019 14:21

Seems to me she's been outgrowing the friendship with you for a while and has aspirations for a rather smart / posh lifestyle, hence developing posh 'friends' and buying the status - signalling jacket (pathetic!)

The torn / cut coat and her illogical and shocking response to you and your family suggests that in her head you are way down the pecking order and she is happy to check out of the friendship. The fact that you've been doing her a huge favour and yet she's still behaving like this is a mark of how grandiose and entitled (she thinks!) she's become.

It sounds like she's in particular thrall to Barbour boy. If it was a genuine accident somewhere, my money's on Barbour boy seeing it as a good opportunity to point the finger at you, wind her up and drive a wedge between your already rather (IMO) fragile friendship. Her discussing the matter and 'gathering evidence' with various other friends is not the behaviour of nice and genuine people - neither her and her other so-called friends.

If I were feeling particularly nasty (never!), and depending on how immoral Barbour Boy is, I'd say that HE cut it deliberately and enginered the whole scenario for his own entertainment.

I'm sorry OP as it's obviously upset you a lot, but although you and her have a shared history, she's not the friend she was. You and your family sound like nice people. She doesn't deserve you.

Pukkatea · 28/10/2019 14:22

'Dear friend, I am baffled by your strange accusation this morning. You accuse me or one of my family of vandalising your property without evidence, and discuss this behind my back with other people instead of coming to me directly. If I seem defensive, it is because I will indeed defend myself against such a nasty and unwarranted attack on my character. I think you owe me an apology for behaving so out of order when I have tried to make you nothing but welcome in my home. If you think so little of my family and our hospitality, you are welcome to move out.'

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 28/10/2019 14:25

The poster who says to under react is right.

A combination of under reacting while making it clear she's to go now would be the best route. See if she comes to her senses later.

Something short and to the point and don't defend yourself wrt the jacket. She knows already that you don't accept responsibility so don't go over it again. Say ''this hasn't worked out, that's clear, when are you moving out''

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 14:25

Seriously... do not give any explanation about the bloody jacket, which being damaged is nothing to do with you, it makes you sound weak as fuck.

Tell her and her dramas to get out of your home.

Lhastingsmua · 28/10/2019 14:26

I think you’re coming off a bit strong here OP, I’m not saying you did it, just that you sound a bit emotional and pretty full on over something that isn’t that serious.

Think of this from her perspective: her coat has been randomly cut by someone else - there’s no chance that she would have purposely destroyed her own coat, that she paid with from her own money, and that she hasn’t even asked you to compensate her for. She’s just annoyed that it’s been purposely damaged and is venting. You would also be annoyed if it seemed like someone took scissors to your clothes.

You might not believe your 3 family members would/could have done it either, but obviously she isn’t as close to them as you are and she doesn’t know them as well as you.

I think I would just handle this as ‘I’m sorry that happened, it’s very odd, let’s look for a seamstress’. (I’m saying you should pay for the seamstress). But they only charge about £5/£10 to tailor trousers near me, I’m assuming fixing the coat would cost similar, it’s a cheap enough price to not overly annoy her and would resolve the issue.

Lhastingsmua · 28/10/2019 14:27

*I’m NOT saying you should pay for the seamstress even!

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 14:30

Why should OP offer any solution to a damaged garment she hasn't damaged ?

katseyes7 · 28/10/2019 14:30

Besides anything else, why the hell is she buying an expensive coat when she's supposed to be saving up, paying you a pittance, and living under your roof using your gas and electric?
There's something going on here. lt's not about the coat.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/10/2019 14:31

I’m with Bourbon - it sounds like she was angling for money from you! I bet she thinks you’re loaded and is enviousz

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 14:33

I agree with posters saying don't let this spoil your DS's half term.

DarlingNikita · 28/10/2019 14:33

I agree with OooErMissus about how to approach it.

billybagpuss · 28/10/2019 14:34

Will your dad actually keep quiet? I know mine wouldn’t

EKGEMS · 28/10/2019 14:34

Lhastingsmua Do you realize you are the only poster on this thread with such a myopic take on this? Seriously? How would you react to housing such an ungrateful and nasty woman?

Roussette · 28/10/2019 14:34

It's less than a centimetre and to be honest if it's a brand new barbour it should be repaired by them. It's not ordinary material.

I'm buggered if I'd try and fix this for her after she accused me of taking scissors to her coat!

GaaaaarlicBread · 28/10/2019 14:34

I am trying to put myself in your shoes. I have a friend of 24 years, never once had an argument. Same relationship as you, she helps me I help her. Her Mum is friends with my mum, Dad etc. I think you've been too polite about it! If that was my friend, I would literally be like woah step the fuck , if you think one of us would os emoting like this, on purpose too then you can get the fuck out . Like I am so shocked for you! How odd?!

RosesAndLilies · 28/10/2019 14:35

I would not send a text but instead have a conversation with her when she comes back. I cannot imagine why anyone would accuse a long term friend of something so malicious! It's absolutely bizarre.

I would continue to accept no responsibility, this includes not paying for a seamstress as this makes you look like there is guilt within your home

Hugsgalore · 28/10/2019 14:35

I think she's feeling guilty. I think she knows the rent she pays is not enough and is now feeling the guilt of watching you run out of gas money and have to budget a weeks meals on 30 quid. Maybe in het mind if she thinks you "owe" her the cost of a new jacket then she does not need to pay up more rent.

Roussette · 28/10/2019 14:36

EKGEMS No! Someone upthread said she should just pay her the £200 and put it behind her for the sake of peace.

Josette77 · 28/10/2019 14:36

I would be sure to add that your ddad and dh are also disappointed in her behaviour. Make her realize that this isn't just you, she has offended your entire household. She needs to leave. She can go live with posh friend with the scissors.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/10/2019 14:37

If she’s so short of money what is she doing spending it on Barbour. Let her friends who think you did it take her in.

MaxNormal · 28/10/2019 14:38

Lhastingsmua are you always this much of a doormat?
Dreadful advice.

Lhastingsmua · 28/10/2019 14:39

@MaxNormal your reading skills are clearly dreadful as I corrected my mistype in the next post 😘

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/10/2019 14:39

A Barbour isn’t a proper Barbour until it has a rip in it and pockets full of bailer twine