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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive weird row with friend???

938 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 28/10/2019 11:20

This is going to be a bit long so apologies in advance but I am really fucking upset and more than a little weirded out. Not much gets to me but I am shaking as I type this.

I have been friends with A for 20 years, never had a row in that time...not once.
We've helped each other through all sorts of shit times, and it was the most solid friendship.
Her Dad is friends with us and my Dad etc etc.

Earlier this year she had some housing issues and I offered for her to rent our spare room for a teeny amount of money so she could save.
All good, no problems.
For clarity the people who live here are me, DP, DS (7) and my Dad, and obviously at the moment my friend.
She's been a bit off with me for a few days, to the point where (oh the irony!) I was going to have a word with her later to see if I had done something to upset her.

This morning she comes to me and says she has something to ask me....
About a month ago she bought a really expensive Barbour jacket (what it is is relevant).
It has acquired a small rip/cut at the bottom.
She basically asked if anyone here had done it, and I was obviously horrified and said absolutely no way.

This is where it all gets a bit weird and muddled.
She was saying it must have been done here (it was hanging on the coat rack). She has only taken it out a few times but is 100% convinced it must have happened here because of the "time frame" I am dubious on this cos she took it to work once and taken it in and out of her car and to another friends once or twice.

I said could it have been an accident, like a zip catching it.
She said no way...it was a snip, as it goes through to the back, and it looked like a snip when she first saw it, but the edges have frayed a little now.
So I said (of course cos it's bloody true!) that no one would have snipped it....accidentally and most definitely NOT on purpose.

She accused me of getting defensive (what the fucking fuck...of course I'm getting upset and defensive- she's accusing someone in this house of cutting her coat!) and said that it looked dodgy because of my defensiveness.

There is zero chance anyone in this house would do such a thing.

I know that you'll all be thinking the 7yr old....but he is not allowed scissors unless we are doing craft, and would never do something like that, he's just not that kind of kid, he loves her immensely.

DP is a sack of softness, and it wouldn't even occur to him, ditto my Dad who wasn't even here that week anyway.

She is adamant it happened in this house, and I am 100% sure it didn't.

She is also 100% sure it has been cut.

Towards the end of the row she basically said that if someone (looking at me in that way) had a problem with her they should have said instead of ruining her coat.

I can't fucking believe she would think that of me....I took her into my home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc

I am so fucking upset that my friend of 20 years has basically accused me/us of being nasty vindictive people.

I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe it, and she has taken that as some sort of proof of my guilt.

I

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/10/2019 13:56

The rip is literally less than a centimeter, like what you would get if you caught it on a small nail

Bloody 'ell. That's tiny. About quarter of an inch. She's pathetic and either it was like that when she bought it, or she did it on something.

Everyone always seems immensely proud of owning one of those but to me they look like 2008 personified. Item 1 in the How to look like you have money when you don’t starter kit
That's me! I've got a pair of Hunter wellies too... shoot me! But they have given up the ghost splitting after nearly 30 years of faithful service

I can never understand why people don't just press 'watch this thread' rather than an empty post. Weird.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 28/10/2019 13:56

I think this is the case of her own feelings of feeling a bit like a freeloader assuming you feel the same and the ‘mutual friends’ who probably love a bit of drama fuelling the fire. She has built this story in her head over a number of days stewing and is clearly not thinking straight. Hopefully she clears her head and comes back begging for forgiveness but if not a calm and rational text outlining how you feel and think should clear the air.

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 13:57

The rip, and how it got there is irrelevant to Lana, because she didn't do it, and has no way of proving it either way.

What is relevant, is that her friend thinks she did it on purpose (i.e. deliberately vandalised it), and is now lying about it.

spanglydangly · 28/10/2019 13:57

How very odd! Tell her to move on.

messolini9 · 28/10/2019 13:59

God some of your posts are really making me re evaluate this friendship.
AIBU can be brilliant for a short sharp shock to the system like this, & challenging old beliefs for the OP. But please be wary & take ALL of us posters with a pinch of salt. As @PenelopeFlintstone pointed out - it's easy for us, 'cos she's not our friend, & none of us are going to have to live with the consequences.

Normally I'm such an assertive person, have no problem saying what I think, going ovaries out and fucking challenging people, so why has this made me feel so fucking shit??
Because you love your friend, & had no reason to expect to suddenly have to deal with her in an assertive or challenging manner. It must have been a vile experience, there is no wonder at all that you are feeling shit because of it

But ... only YOU, & perhaps friend's dad??? - can work out if friend is being irrational due to MH issues, or if there is more nefarious motivation going on. People can behave unpleasantly if they are not managing their MH well, & your friend may be genuine, & utterly unaware of how batshit she is being.
Conversely, she could be being a deceptive, manipulative twat, who is tattling to the friends she is preparing to abandon you for.

Only you can decide that.
Don't let any of us random posters wind you up into believing either scenario. Again - ONLY YOU can assess this. (I would be tempted to consult with her dad though, to ask him if HE has noticed any recent out of character behaviour).

Roussette · 28/10/2019 13:59

but if not a calm and rational text outlining how you feel and think should clear the air

I would need a full and heartfelt apology and a reason why a friend of 20 years would countenance the thought I might creep around damaging her property. It would rankle too much to be an instant kiss and make up. I'd need a heart to heart. And time.

doodleygirl · 28/10/2019 14:00

Well I’m going against the grain but I think you are massively overreacting. Why on earth should this spoil your DS holiday?
Just text her and say how letdown you feel that she could believe someone in your family would deliberately cut the coat. Tell her you expect an apology and then get on with your day.

You really don’t have to make this into such a drama.

lisamac28 · 28/10/2019 14:00

OP you say you've been friends for 20 years. So she would have been 15 and you only 10. Has she always been the 'leader' in your friendship because she was older? Obviously the age gap narrows as you get older but is there any chance she's trying to 'put you back in your place', just reminding you that she's always been in charge and just because you're helping her out, she's still the boss? She's concocted this ridiculous story to take back control???

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 28/10/2019 14:01

My text:
What the fuck is actually wrong with you Sandra? Have you lost your fucking mind ? Why in God's name would anyone in this house do that to your jacket?

If I were you I'd book a psychiatric appointment urgently and get tested for some kind of Miss Marple personality disorder... that's after you pack your ALL shit, ripped or otherwise, and get out of my house because to be honest Sandra I don't know what delusional shit you'll come out with next and my DS had to hear your wild ravings!
Dangerous cow
From Lana

thenightsky · 28/10/2019 14:02

Where did she buy it? Perhaps it was a 'seconds' shop! In fact, given that she's skint, it most probably was a seconds shop and the coat had a flaw.

Span1elsRock · 28/10/2019 14:02

I'd actually do the opposite of what most have said on here, and I'd not react at all. No text, no conversation about it. She's the one who should be feeling awkward about it and not you.

So I'd carry on, and wait for her next move.

This isn't a nice thought to have but do you think she could have stolen in and this "rip" is from removing the security tag badly?

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 14:04

lisa - it's the OP that's the older of the two.

messolini9 · 28/10/2019 14:04

Dear A,
I would like you to think very carefully about what you are blaming me for just now, why do you really think that one of us would deliberately cut your coat?
I was very happy with you staying here and would have certainly let you know if I had any issue with it. I am so upset by this, saddened and at a loss over this.
I feel like the "test" that you did with your friend has provided false evidence and he has steered you in the wrong direction by trying to pin the blame on me.
This so hurtful and unexpected, your friendship has meant a lot to me over the years and I am at a loss what to do.
Lana

That's a very good, reasonable, yet assertive text, @calllaaalllaaammma

EyeSpiesArousedSuccubus · 28/10/2019 14:07

I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that she's bitched discussed it with others and conducted fucking experiments, before speaking to you directly.

lisamac28 · 28/10/2019 14:07

lisa - it's the OP that's the older of the two

OooErMissus Thanks, [blsuh]BlushBlush, oops.

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 14:08

Could've been a good theory otherwise, Lisa!

IamPickleRick · 28/10/2019 14:09

Yeah agreed EyeSpiesArousedSuccubus

I’d be like, well of course if you and your band of cunts think I’ve done it then obviously that’s categorical proof, now get the fuck out and I’ll see you on judge rinder.

SLAM

Overthinker1988 · 28/10/2019 14:09

I'm intrigued, let us know how it all ends OP!

For what it's worth, I think your niceness has been massively taken advantage of. When you said she had housing issues I assumed that meant she was at risk of homelessness and had nowhere else to go/no money or job. Not that you were subsidising her savings for buying a house! Wtf! It would never even occur to me to impose myself on a friend and their family like this, unless I was genuinely desperate and had no other choice. She can rent or move back in with her parents, like everyone else who's saving for a deposit.

So not only are you subsidising her, but she's also leaving you out of meet ups with mutual friends and now she's accused you of vandalising her stuff. Sorry to say this, but if you let her stay after this you'd be sending her the message that you're a walkover. You can still be friends with her if you want to salvage the 20 year friendship but if it were me I'd be telling her to move out and then maybe (if she apologises) continue the friendship at more of a distance.

monkeymonkey2010 · 28/10/2019 14:10

I've been a bit of a fucking mug haven't I??
Unfortunately -yes.
You started out with the best of intentions - but have been absolutely shit at boundaries.

But it's so fucking hard to think that of someone who I have known for 20 years....But she's just not the avenging type IYSWIM??..She's never done anything like this before
How can you really know someone if you've never had a disagreement, difference of opinion or an argument?
Cos that's when you see the other side to them?

I think you have an idealised version of this friendship in your head - and it's now become apparent that your 'friend' doesn't view or value the friendship in the same way.

Tell me, what kind of long-time good friend agrees to rent a room in your home for a paltry sum of money....we have covered all the extra gas/leccy etc and not begrudged it AT ALL, we share meals etc.....and offers no more money towards their living costs despite knowing that you can barely afford to live...she knows we have no savings, she knows we just about scrape through each month with just about the odd spare tenner
????

She's prioritised her own wants and needs above yours and has actually shown you very little respect or consideration,.
She's earning enough to spend on luxury goods and yet when we nearly ran out of gas (meter) the other month, I asked her outright for a bit extra to top up

She isn't the kind of person you think she is.
In fact, i think if you look back you might find that all the help she gave you didn't inconvenience her in the same way as you, her life/ideas etc will have always been more important and worthy of consideration than yours.
You are just one of many friends she has.....she has her 'proper' friends who she socialises with and then she has you - good old dependable who she can use and walk all over and you won't even notice because she's got you fooled.
No wonder she finds it so easy to accuse your family of doing something so petty and destructive - she has no respect for any of you.

I'm sorry OP.
You tried to do a good thing for a friend but she's actually just been using you.
I'd tell her to move out by the end of the week - she's got plenty of other friends to leech off.

PollyShelby · 28/10/2019 14:10

I've got a few Barbours and can confirm they do rip quite easily in the right circumstances.

They are only a couple of hundred quid anyway so it's not like a priceless heirloom.

She's being stupid.

If you really (can't think why) want to fix the friendship, text her this;

I think there was a misunderstanding about your coat, I'm sure you'll be able to get it repaired. Are you in tonight for a chat?

OooErMissus · 28/10/2019 14:12

I just don't understand what outcome she is expecting from this.

I mean, is she going to return to the house and expect it all to be forgotten and not spoken of again?

Surely not.

Is she angling for you to pay for a replacement? She must know that's not going to happen either.

It's so odd.

ilovetoes12345 · 28/10/2019 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NurseButtercup · 28/10/2019 14:13

@Nanny0gg

My contribution to the text: FOTTFSOFATFOSM

I've just worked out what this means Grin

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 14:14

Pack up her room OP, have it bagged up ready for sending that text stating she no longer resides there. Flowers

messolini9 · 28/10/2019 14:15

God I sound fucking pathetic now.

No you fucking don't.
You sound like an intelligent, kind friend who has just been blindsided.