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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum excluding me from group meet-ups

146 replies

Neapolitanicecream · 27/10/2019 09:04

I was part of a group of 6 mums that met-up regularly. Everyone seems really friendly, I didn’t get on with one of the mums partners, never said anything, turns out they are no longer together. But she appears to have manipulated the others to exclude me from the group, I did ask I ofthe ladies why and said I made her feel uncomfortable! But everyone is nice to me if i bump into shopping. But I’m definitely excluded from the group, I feel sad about as I thought I got on with a couple really well. I asked popular mum to give me a call to meet-up and she said “why would I do that “ I was unsure what that means. I asked another if the would ask the administrator to include me in the WhatsApp group and she said No . I feel sad we are all in late 40’s.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 14:36

I probably wouldn't go directly to the wife either. But I also wouldn't tell her best mate.

Anon13331 · 27/10/2019 14:37

Golden in trying to get people’s opinions on this matter and trying to find out if it’s been done before IS gossiping and stirring! Maybe the intention is not there, but by doing so it will come across as this.

Anon13331 · 27/10/2019 14:37

I agree with gobbynorthern! I would never discuss another friend with a mutual friend

Anon13331 · 27/10/2019 14:39

The mutual friend would have to say something to the wife of the man as if it comes out later then the friend might be annoyed she didn’t tell her what was being said about her husband

MRex · 27/10/2019 14:42

@MyKingdomForBrie - it's simply factual. OP wasn't asking for help because she's traumatised by a creep groping her bum, she said she was confused about why this particular mum doesn't want to hang out with her. Whether they believe her or not, put yourself in the other woman's position and she won't want to have coffee dates with OP will she? The rest of the group are supporting their friend. OP wanted an explanation and it's very clear what the reason is.

MaxNormal · 27/10/2019 14:44

They've been complete bitches and unfortunately, reading this thread, it's clear to see that it's common behaviour.

Didiusfalco · 27/10/2019 14:45

Yep, the mistake you made was to tell a third party. Go nuclear and call him out for assault, fine - would probably also have ended the friendship too but you’d have no doubt about everyone’s feelings. Telling a different friend makes it gossip and makes you look like a shit stirrer.

Jimdandy · 27/10/2019 14:45

These women are a complete bunch of bitches and I feel for you.

The only saving grace is, at least they have told you straight rather than dangle a carrot of friendship or invite you and then bully you etc

Mumofone1962 · 27/10/2019 14:46

I feel your pain! A fellow 'kicked out of the group' mum here TWICE! Group WhatsApp are horrendous! One group we met when pregnant and myself and 3 other mums weren't 'good' enough, I was advised my house was too small Hmm, not sure how as there are 3 of us in a 3 bed house Confused.

The second group we all met up a few times and myself and one other woman were kicked out as we didn't day drink. I mean I love a drink but not when I'm alone with the baby becuase I'm a horrendous light weight!

I can still feel a bit down when I see them all together online in groups but it's the issues with trying to make friends with people who have children's the same age rather than any matching interests or hobbies.

My little one is 2 now and I am coping with not many mum friends and hoping that my child will start nursery and make his own friends so I never have to force friendships with 'mean girls' again!

Hope you are able to find someone who is like minded or able to be happy without the group's and I remember how hard it was at the time so I do really feel for you and understand what you are feeling (I cried to my husband I failed as a mum when the party invites went round half the mums and not me as I thought it was my fault my son was missing out!!)

Original poster
Neapolitanicecream · 27/10/2019 14:58

Just to be clear It was another mum in the group that I asked to Meetup for coffee when I bumped into her shopping. Yes I said to the mutual friend that that friend Husband made me feel uncomfortable, I never used the word assault as that would be contentious in that group that regularly kissed and hugged I’m not sure that crossed the line to gossiping or confiding in a friend

OP posts:
Anon13331 · 27/10/2019 15:01

Mumofone - did u try to reach out to the other mum who wouldn’t say drink like yourself? Maybe start a friendship with her. Also don’t be hard on yourself! Just strike up a conversation with who ever you meet and soon you’ll have loads of people. Don’t go looking for friendships, just chat to literally everyone!

MaxNormal · 27/10/2019 15:10

It's a bit shit really. Bombed out of a group because one of the husband's is a pervy wanker. But people seem to find it much easier to take it out on other women for some reason.

Jeschara · 27/10/2019 15:19

Find other friends. Disgusting husband comes on to you, ,you feel uncomfortable, you relate it to another friend who could not keep her mouth shut. They are gossips and a nest of Vipers. Not your fault at all, the husband is a disgusting slob with no respect for himself.
Onwards and upwards, you are better than them, please don't court their friendship as poster said above it smacks of desperation, and the bitches will enjoy talking about you more.

Crystal87 · 27/10/2019 15:20

They sound horrible OP. I don't know why you want to be friends with them. Having no friends is better than this bunch of bitches.

Mia3456 · 27/10/2019 15:23

Omg! No one has “bombed her out” as the husband cane into her! That’s not true. The problem is she spread it around to other people by discussing it. Maybe the Friend she discussed it With us not really a friend and she took pleasure in spreading the gossip around. Don’t discuss things openly with other friends from same circle ABOUT other friends

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2019 15:52

@MRex are you kidding?! She was sexually assaulted and that gives the wife the right to socially exclude her?! And the friends are being 'supportive'?!

I'd be bloody apologetic of this shit behaviour from the 'd' h.

MaxNormal · 27/10/2019 16:00

The problem is she spread it around to other people by discussing it

You mean, she confided an unpleasant experience to a friend. Or at least someone she thought was a friend.

dayswithaY · 27/10/2019 16:09

I'm surprised you have reached your late forties and not yet learned that if you tell someone a shocking confession - pervy husband came on to me/sexually assaulted/creeped me out, that they won't keep that to themselves. It was probably a matter of minutes before she told his wife what you had said and massively ramped it up to make it your fault. Women who don't work and go to the gym all day are probably very bored and need someone to bitch about. Unfortunately it's you. You have done nothing wrong but you have misjudged these people and they are not your friends. Make some new ones but remember it takes time to really know and trust people.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 16:12

You mean, she confided an unpleasant experience to a friend. Or at least someone she thought was a friend
And who she knew she was putting right in the middle.

Either OP has told a mutual friend that she was sexually assaulted or she's said the husband is a sleaze who makes her uncomfortable (it's difficult to ascertain from her posts). I would absolutely have to tell my friend that someone said that about her partner.

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 16:14

She was sexually assaulted and that gives the wife the right to socially exclude her?! And the friends are being 'supportive

How can they even guess that "making me uncomfortable" means "he assaulted me?" That's a bit of a jump....

Of course they are perfectly entitled not to include someone in their social group. It's more than unreasonable to call people bitch for that.

Some posters really need to grow up - and I bet they are not as "inclusive" as they pretend either.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 27/10/2019 16:46

If I made casual friends with a woman from school who then told another friend that my husband ‘made her feel uncomfortable’, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore either. Different if she came to me directly (although I would still find it very hard to believe) but if I heard about it through a third party I wouldn’t trust her anymore and that would be that. It’s weird to expect that sort of loyalty from casual acquaintances, isn’t it?

MRex · 27/10/2019 17:05

She was sexually assaulted and that gives the wife the right to socially exclude her?!
OP was clear she told another friend that he was "bad news"; she hasn't been clear here what exactly was said but she has gossiped. This mum has just split up with sleaze, possibly linked to the OP situation, she shouldn't have to spend time with someone who gossips about her and is a constant reminder of sleazebag while her feelings are still raw. Please tell me why you think she can't have space? She wants a close circle of friends she can feel comfortable with; clearly they like her too so they've had to make a choice. It's unfortunate that none of the others liked OP enough to want to see her outside the group, but they have every right to support a friend who's going through a stressful divorce over an acquaintance who had one sleazy experience.

Jeschara · 27/10/2019 17:48

Not a nice situation to be in. As the original post goes I do not think poster has done anything wrong. How many people confide in friends as they are uncertain of what to say or do. Maybe OP was shocked by the husbands brhaviour and wanted advice. I know if I confided in my friends the conversation would go no further. I do not think she has gossips.

The above said, it is time to move on and forget trying to be their friend. Friends would not exclude, they would see both sides of the story. However we may be guessing at that,, and maybe they wanted a reason to oust you from the circle of friends, you said yourself you are different from them. FWIW I do feel the are being childish.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2019 18:05

@MRex you've got some weird kind of vendetta here - talking about OP as 'gossiping' because she shared her experience.

The wife does not get to remove all the friends and keep them to herself just because this experience happened to OP. Her husband was at fault, not the OP, and you are projecting massively.

She told her friend that an acknowledged sleazy guy made her feel uncomfortable. It's not fucking rocket science that it isn't her fault.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 18:21

@MyKingdomForBrie the friend was quite obviously more a friend of the wife, and the wife has not necessarily made the rest of the group avoid the OP. And who acknowledged that the husband was sleazy? It may have been the first time any of them had ever heard that.

What I don't understand here is the drip feed. Why was the first post full of false naivety? It is obvious to all why these women are no longer friendly with the OP.