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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum excluding me from group meet-ups

146 replies

Neapolitanicecream · 27/10/2019 09:04

I was part of a group of 6 mums that met-up regularly. Everyone seems really friendly, I didn’t get on with one of the mums partners, never said anything, turns out they are no longer together. But she appears to have manipulated the others to exclude me from the group, I did ask I ofthe ladies why and said I made her feel uncomfortable! But everyone is nice to me if i bump into shopping. But I’m definitely excluded from the group, I feel sad about as I thought I got on with a couple really well. I asked popular mum to give me a call to meet-up and she said “why would I do that “ I was unsure what that means. I asked another if the would ask the administrator to include me in the WhatsApp group and she said No . I feel sad we are all in late 40’s.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neapolitanicecream · 27/10/2019 11:58

Thanks for your thoughts a lot to think about! Yes I did once confided to I Mum in the group that the split-up husband behaved inappropriately towards me, I do think everything stems from this but I never confronted him told his wife or anyone else in the group I used get along. I feel they gossiped and turfed me out. It was nice to feel part of a group. Yes I need to move on.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 12:02

What did you say about the husband, because I can see how that could come across that you have gossiped about the husband fancying you, given that you didn't tell the wife.

Getoffmylilo · 27/10/2019 12:10

You may have spoken in confidence but you can't control what happens to that information. If it did turn in to gossip it may well have taken on a life of its own. It's all a bit mean girls though, which is horrid to be caught up in. Remain civil when you see them but move on and leave them to it.

Original poster
Neapolitanicecream · 27/10/2019 12:12

At a school function Instead of a just hello or quick peck on the check to say hello he grabbed be and pulled me in for a full mouth kiss and hug while stroking my back and bum, I was on my own by a stand as my husband was talk to someone else. I actively avoided him since and I said to mutual friend that he made me feel uncomfortable words that are now being used against me

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 12:13

They are not nice people, move on OP

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 12:14

At a school function Instead of a just hello or quick peck on the check to say hello he grabbed be and pulled me in for a full mouth kiss and hug while stroking my back and bum,

and you didn't report him for assault?!?
You are nuts.

I understand that some people would find it hard to physically defend themselves, especially in shock, but you don't stay quiet about things like that.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 12:16

Bit of a drip feed. It's gone from you not getting on with him to him sexually assaulting you...

Original poster
Neapolitanicecream · 27/10/2019 12:26

At the time it was all so quick and I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to forget it. In that group there is a lot of check kissing and hugging I didn’t want to rock the boat. I don’t know if this is relevant but my lifestyle is different from the other mum they all belong to the same gym and don’t work while as I have a full time job and am a bit feel like the frumpy one of the group anyway

OP posts:
HaileySherman · 27/10/2019 12:30

Honestly OP they sound awful. Stop wasting your time on them. It's painful to even read about it here so I can't imagine what it's like in real life. Definitely not worth it. If it's any comfort to you at all, I've never seen or heard of a group of adult women acting that way so I think its very unlikely you'd run into a situation like that again. I'd recommend finding another group. There's basically no way they would not be an improvement. Flowers

MRex · 27/10/2019 12:34

So now you're gossiping to a third party that the husband sexually assaulted you. You didn't report it and your description is bizarre. You didn't have sufficient respect for the wife to tell her, so that's clearly indicating to her that she is not your friend. After hearing this and leaving her husband, you think she should then want to call you up for coffee dates. Think for half a second, surely you can see why she doesn't want to hang out with you?

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 27/10/2019 12:47

It’s clear why, Sorry OP I agree with @MRex

Joeler · 27/10/2019 13:03

What was the purpose of you telling the other mother about the pervy partner?Was it to get advice on whether or not to report it?If not and it was to further humiliate your "friend" I can see why you've been shunned.

Susie2008 · 27/10/2019 13:06

This is exactly what I was trying to say - you cannot manipulate other mums. so your friend it seems has not manipulated them but YOU caused drama by telling one of them about the Pervy husband! OP please take this as advice - DO NOT discuss other mums Or partners with mums they know!

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2019 13:06

Jesus @MRex nice bit of victim blaming there! Christ.

They sound like pathetic bitches OP, just let them go.

Susie2008 · 27/10/2019 13:09

OP don’t get me wrong - you are right to feel he assaulted u but do not gossip to other mums. U should have directly spoken to his wife and said his actions were inappropriate.

MrsAgassi · 27/10/2019 13:11

I wonder if the person you told in turn told his wife. She then asked him and he said you came onto him?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/10/2019 13:13

Late. 40s.

And still engaging in gossiping, bullying, snide innuendos and a pack mentality that should have been left in the playground about three decades ago. It doesn't matter who thinks they're right. The only really surprising thing is that 'friendship groups' and PTA cliques still exist by this time of life.

At this age, no one should need the validation of being 'part of a group'. If you genuinely feel you do, then you need to look to yourself and not the other women to honestly examine the reason.

Susie2008 · 27/10/2019 13:15

Put yourself in your friends situation - your husband got drunk and made a fool of himself but a person you considered a good friend didn’t have the decency to tell you directly but u heard through rumours. How would you feel OP?

Susie2008 · 27/10/2019 13:16

Just based on that I would not consider u a good friend tbh

DameofDarts · 27/10/2019 13:24

Did you tell the other mother about what the now-ex partner did before they split? Because for all we know it (rightly) could have been one of the reasons why they split, maybe it was something he did a lot.

It sounds like they think you were making it up though, which is unfortunate. I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong in telling one of the women what he did, I can understand wanting to confide in someone as a sounding board before going to the wife. What did this woman say when you told her?

Goldenbear · 27/10/2019 13:47

I disagree with above, you are well out of this. It is not your fault she was married to a blatant perv! This is such an anti feminist position to take, blaming the woman for this man's behaviour, no doubt he was no Saint prior to this incident. It makes sense to me that you might say something to another woman in the group. Out of interest, what did your husband say, did you tell him?

mamandematribu · 27/10/2019 13:53

I'm so happy I have never felt the need to be part of the mummy group. I'm happy just as I am.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 14:23

@Goldenbear I don't think anyone is saying the OP is at fault for what he did. However, it is a massive thing to accuse a man of sexual assault and the OP told a mutual friend, rather than the partner of the man, which could well be seen as shit-stirring.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/10/2019 14:24

*I say could be seen as because I don't know the timeline, what was said to mutual friend, what mutual friend said to partner of man etc

Goldenbear · 27/10/2019 14:31

Maybe I'm very 'British' or something but I would not have gone directly to the wife, I would've assumed he was known for it and maybe have tried to establish whether he was a prolific perv by subtly trying to understand if he was known for this kind of behaviour.