AIBU To Bollock the Vicar?

[SongforSal]

Bit of a backstory! Long-Sorry!

We have lived in the same village.for 18ys. My DS14 has got in trouble from time to time. Nothing serious at all, but the local bobby has made at least a dozen visits to my house for various reasons such as 'A complaint was made he was loitering near private property and sitting on private land' (grass by a road) or 'He and his friends were playing football in the library carpark' ect.

Anyway, the visits from the local PCSO has got to the point he has come back to my home and told me my boy was never involved in whatever incident has taken place and has tried to get information from my DS about the guilty parties. My Ds hasn't a clue who these kids are.

Local PCSO keeps turning up at my house, like my son is a point of information. I ended up phoning the non emergency police number as I felt the local PCSO was taking to much interest. At this point the PCSO had also emailed my work email address to ask for a personal reference for a new job!!! When I felt uncomfortable I called the non-emergency police and they said 'And what do you want me to do about it?' My point was a local bobby should not be turning up at my house so frequently for no reason.

Anyway, local PCSO has to attend the local parish council meetings (relevant)

Last July my DS14 was named and shamed on the local village social media page as being verbally abusive and throwing a football at the local shop window. It wasn't him. We were in Greece. Even so a lady from the village parish council sent me a scathing email. Even when I said my son cant teleport she wasn't having it!

TO MY ACTUAL POINT!-Thanks if you have made it this far!

Village vicar asks on our community page if any teenagers can help her with her small holding of animals.I ask DS14 if he is interested and he is over the moon. The vicar emails me and asks to meet my son, and I invite her round for tea and also explain my son is proficient in tending to said animals etc. She then sends me a message this morning to say she is sorry, but it wont work out (after I told her my sons name after many messages!). She rescinded her offer.

The vicar, is on the parish council, as is the PCSO. My sons name is clearly shit. for no reason. Yet, even though I am atheist I feel I need to go nuclear on this. I am so fucking cross.

This is what I want to say to the vicar:

''My son Sam was so happy to be invited to look after your animals. He has an innate calling to farming and a natural pertinacity for the role. Apologies if you now think he doesn't suit. He is upset and doesn't understand why you changed your mind''.

Eh

Can you summarise? It's all a bit complicated.

Fuckin hell that was hard work.

The PSCO has been around because your DS was sitting on some grass and playing football in a car park? You must live in a very quiet neighbourhood!

A dozen police visits? Not serious? I’m confused.

I don't think that message would achieve anything useful.

Gosh. Maybe your son needs to get in a bit less trouble and you need to calm down.

I think if you go about this in the wrong way it will reinforce her preconceived notion about you and your son.

I think the best thing you could do is arrange an informal chat. Lay your cards on the table about what's actually happened (as opposed to village gossip) and ask her to give your son a "trial" chance to prove he's responsible and capable of looking after the animals. Do it all in a friendly non-aggressive way and she might realise she's being unreasonable listening to parish council tittle tattle.

Send it.

It's a shame your local vicar can't take a local young lad who sounds a bit bored and directionless under her wing and do something positive and constructive with him.

That said, come on now, there's no smoke without fire....he can't be completely faultless if the local police have been at your door 12 times.
Are you absolutely sure your little angel isn't-in fact- a little bit of a horror?

Are you sure the vicar and pcso are on (as in elected to) the parish council. It would be unusual although they may attend public meetings , just as you could. Maybe expressing his disappointment in more straightforward terms would be enough.

Has she met your DS?

I would still ask her round to meet him, and see if she would be willing to give him a trial period. It's then up to your DS to prove himself.

I think it’s reasonable to let the vicar know that your ds is disappointed and enquire why his help isn’t needed any more. But it might not have anything to do with the PCSO. Or it might. But no harm in a polite enquiry.

From what I can make out;

1. PCSO contacting you to ask for a reference is weird (presuming you don't have contact with him in a professional capacity too)

1. Even if it is low level stuff, it isn't usual for the police to have to call to you so often about your son (and I say that as someone whose daughter did bring the police to the door in her teens).

1. Unfortunately, once they get a reputation as a troublemaker, their name will always be first to mind when any trouble is brewing. This has led to the accusations when you weren't in the country and the withdrawal of the voluntary position.

1. It is shit, but I can see the vicar's POV if the parishioners are worried about him being more involved in the community farm.

1. I don't know about the vicar but I couldn't understand shit in that email at the end.

A dozen visits from a police officer to your house sounds like there is a bit more going on the you are saying. I think it is fair enough to want a dc to stay out of trouble with the police before offering an opportunity which needs a mature approach.

Seriously a psco keeps turning up for things like loitering near private property?

How about a visit to the vicar and explain that yes there have been a few reports about himin the village but you feal that this opportunity to help on the sall holding would help himto stay out of trouble as it would give him a focus. That you appreciate he hasn,t go the best rep but if the vicar is willing to give him a chance that he will prove himself and work hard? I think that would go better then the letter.

If anything, a PCSO would be encouraging this type of community involvement of a lad going down the wrong path.

I don’t mean this to sound accusatory, but is there any chance your DS is perhaps behaving worse than he is letting on? There is no smoke without fire as they say. My nephew was the same “not me mum, other boys” until she caught him in the act and was mortified at being one of **those mums who blindly stood up for their kid.

Are you sure you're not a background character in a sitcom op 

I think @HotChocWithCream's approach is the right idea though.

Going in guns blazing isn't the going to help anybody and will just mark you down as one the 'my boy would never' brigade and cement his bad reputation in the eyes of the community.

He has an innate calling to farming and a natural pertinacity for the role really? Is the locquaciousness necessary?

Sounds fair enough to me, make a name for yourself as being a pain in the arse then don't expect people to trust you to do work for them.

Do not bollock the vicar- all that will achieve is to reinforce the fact that your son has not fallen far from the tree and you will likely be labelled as a "problem family". If you want to show people that you are a responsible, respectful, and reasonable adult, then act like one. Ask to speak with the vicar and explain, calmly and in a non-confrontational manner that you would really like it if they gave your son a chance and allow him to prove himself. I'm sorry but I simply dont believe police would have the time to visit your house 12 times for no reason. Round here, police barely have the time to investigate genuine robberies, let alone be so bored and lacking in work that they'd seek entertainment by constantly targeting a 14 year old. Your son must have done something fairly serious to warrant this and you need to address this or else this reputation will stay with him and continue to cause him issues.

Surely getting a local boy 'off the streets' as it were and doing something positive with his time is good for the community all round?

Either you’re massively downplaying your sons behaviour, or every member of the parish council has it in for your son and you’re being stalked by the pcos.

The lady can retract her offer if she likes. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with your son, maybe you should look at his behaviour, and what you’re doing to change it.