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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Bollock the Vicar?

113 replies

SongforSal · 26/10/2019 21:34

Bit of a backstory! Long-Sorry!

We have lived in the same village.for 18ys. My DS14 has got in trouble from time to time. Nothing serious at all, but the local bobby has made at least a dozen visits to my house for various reasons such as 'A complaint was made he was loitering near private property and sitting on private land' (grass by a road) or 'He and his friends were playing football in the library carpark' ect.

Anyway, the visits from the local PCSO has got to the point he has come back to my home and told me my boy was never involved in whatever incident has taken place and has tried to get information from my DS about the guilty parties. My Ds hasn't a clue who these kids are.

Local PCSO keeps turning up at my house, like my son is a point of information. I ended up phoning the non emergency police number as I felt the local PCSO was taking to much interest. At this point the PCSO had also emailed my work email address to ask for a personal reference for a new job!!! When I felt uncomfortable I called the non-emergency police and they said 'And what do you want me to do about it?' My point was a local bobby should not be turning up at my house so frequently for no reason.

Anyway, local PCSO has to attend the local parish council meetings (relevant)

Last July my DS14 was named and shamed on the local village social media page as being verbally abusive and throwing a football at the local shop window. It wasn't him. We were in Greece. Even so a lady from the village parish council sent me a scathing email. Even when I said my son cant teleport she wasn't having it!

TO MY ACTUAL POINT!-Thanks if you have made it this far!

Village vicar asks on our community page if any teenagers can help her with her small holding of animals.I ask DS14 if he is interested and he is over the moon. The vicar emails me and asks to meet my son, and I invite her round for tea and also explain my son is proficient in tending to said animals etc. She then sends me a message this morning to say she is sorry, but it wont work out (after I told her my sons name after many messages!). She rescinded her offer.

The vicar, is on the parish council, as is the PCSO. My sons name is clearly shit. for no reason. Yet, even though I am atheist I feel I need to go nuclear on this. I am so fucking cross.

This is what I want to say to the vicar:

''My son Sam was so happy to be invited to look after your animals. He has an innate calling to farming and a natural pertinacity for the role. Apologies if you now think he doesn't suit. He is upset and doesn't understand why you changed your mind''.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 26/10/2019 23:40

please don't go nuclear on the vicar's ass or whatever you said. please just ask her why she has changed her mind and have a civilized chat.

Good luck.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/10/2019 23:46

Move house.

Seriously. Just move. Why on earth anybody would want to live in a place with such busybodies around is baffling.

Some villages and towns are toxic. Sounds like yours is one.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/10/2019 23:49

I am truly amazed that when police forces are stretched to the limits, with cuts being made everywhere, police stations closing down or only opening reduced hours that all these little villages have police on hand to deal with petty incidents.

BillHadersNewWife · 26/10/2019 23:55

They're all twats BUT....should your son be offered such a nice job when there are probably multiple well behaved kids in the village who have NEVER had the local Bobby round?

No.

This can be a hard lesson for your son.

Ghostontoast · 27/10/2019 00:15

What would Jesus do?

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 27/10/2019 00:31

I feel claustrophobic just reading that.

It’s posts like this I try to remember when I’m looking longingly at cute cottages, in pretty villages....

Go and talk to the Vicar and contact the village idiots senior officer.

14 yo built like a brick outhouse sounds perfect for helping out with the animals...unless they’re Russian hamsters.

finn1020 · 27/10/2019 01:01

I didn’t know villages still existed like this in England, kind of reminds me of Shrek. Confused

BrendasUmbrella · 27/10/2019 01:04

Yes, go and speak to her. Don't just let it go. Try to not rant about the PCSo though, they may be friends.

If it doesn't work out, perhaps you can look around for other opportunities in that line, perhaps a few villages away from your PSCO's influence.

BadLad · 27/10/2019 01:50

What would Jesus do?

There's no way he'd be allowed to take care of the animals - he'd be trying to ride them, like he did with that poor donkey.

Broken11Girl · 27/10/2019 01:54

Team I'm glad I don't live in a village here. Nasty, petty, small-minded bullies. They've decided he's the devil based on gossip and rumours. The local paper thing is appalling.
The OP's DS may not be an angel but as sometimes happens he will be blamed for everything and demonised due to his reputation. Not very Christian is it, don't they spout stif

Broken11Girl · 27/10/2019 01:55

stuff about redemption and forgiveness?
(Accidentally posted too soon)

cabbageking · 27/10/2019 01:16

You need to address the person who named your child incorrectly online.
It is not the vicars fault this information is circulating and that your son has a bad reputation.

BeesKnees4 · 27/10/2019 01:20

Is this the follow up to Hot Fuzz?

Sunshinegirl82 · 27/10/2019 07:13

Do you want to keep living there OP? Everyone sounds awful.

I think speaking to vicar rationally is probably all you can do. Based on the information you've given (and assuming there is nothing else going on) then I feel really sorry for your DS. If it's the type of place I'm imagining then I suspect he'll be forever cast in the role of troublemaker. If I was him I wouldn't be hanging around as an adult!

LolaSmiles · 27/10/2019 07:44

I still don't see how the vicar is at fault here.

There's been some issues. You say yourself that he's been in trouble, but say it's nothing serious. On 12 occasions the police have been round to your house. On one occasion your son was misidentified in a situation. You then think he's being penalised for being tall for his age. I'm afraid that 99% of the time in my experience this is textbook "more going on" territory.

I'd be looking at my son's friends, the company he keeps and being a little more open to him being more involved than he's telling you. It seems odd to get a reputation for nothing other than being tall for his age and acting appropriately

Vulpine · 27/10/2019 07:50

Persuade the vicar that this could be his/her chance to help put your rather errant son on the straight and narrow and then s/he, the vicar, becomes the hero of a story of salvation!

itsmecathycomehome · 27/10/2019 08:05

I teach and come across so many parents in denial about their children's behaviour.

You have seized on those times when the complaint was 'trivial' or incorrect and ignored the other nine visits and framed all of this as unfair persecution.

But actually it is not usual to have the police at your door so often. There isn't a police force in England right now with enough time and manpower to waste without good reason.

If a pcso has been attached to your village it will be a decision based on need, and one of those needs might be that the low level anti social behaviour is impacting community life.

You say that two of the complaints were trivial - sitting on private land and playing football with friends in the library car park.

But really, why would you play football in a library car park? A group of teens can be intimidating, and I assume that people couldn't easily park their cars? Or didn't want to incase their cars were damaged? It is possible staff asked them to move before the pcso was called, but that they refused.

Don't you think there have probably been many more times when he's been a pain in the arse but residents haven't bothered calling the pcso?

So he's basically a really unwelcome, annoying presence in your village. Can't you talk to him about changing peoples perceptions by playing football in suitable places, keeping off private land, basically not doing things that he already knows he shouldn't be doing?

However I predict that you will do nothing until his behaviour begins to manifest itself at home. As he gets older and is no longer interested in hanging around the village or playing football in car parks probably.

The only weird thing is the pcso asking you for a reference. Did he say why he was asking you?

Beesandcheese · 27/10/2019 08:08

I'd really hammer it home and say you are disappointed as there had been a vindictive sm comment about your son. And not only does the small holding suit your sons skills but it would also give him a chance to balance the negative community feeling towards him. Then say obviously though the vicar is under a lot of pressure.
But yabu if you think vicars are not as judgy as the rest of humanity. Your family has attracted a lot of negativity and the interest of the police. The police don't have time to just drop in on bored teens. Are you missing something?

meyouandlulutoo · 27/10/2019 09:05

I can well believe a PCSO has nothing better to do than visit you 12 times. I live in a small village and for some unknown reason we have been allocated 2 PCSOs who 'pound' the beat around our streets (we have about 4) every Tuesday afternoon this has been going on for years. It has become a local joke. If he was any kind of community policeman, and as he has become invested in you and your son, he should be putting the Parish Council right about your son being out of the country, in Greece, when the incident he was accused of happened.

It's a bit strange him emailing you at work for a reference fir another job.

YobaOljazUwaque · 27/10/2019 09:15

I think it would be more appropriate to say something like

"I am sorry to hear you have rescinded your offer. Are you perhaps not aware that my son has been the victim of some malicious tittle-tattle because some members of the community like to blame him for various things of which he is not guilty (eg some of the events happened while he was with us on a family holiday in Greece yet he still got the blame.) I would hope that as a vicar you would not be swayed by these unfounded stories. My son is brilliant with animals and is honest and trustworthy. You have the opportunity to help him flourish and if you have taken that away from him based on misinformation and third party gossip then that is very much not what Jesus would do."

plunkplunkfizz · 27/10/2019 09:30

You’re not using bastardised or pertinacity correctly. If you do raise the issue, perhaps try to do it in a more straightforward way.

meyouandlulutoo · 27/10/2019 09:35

Surely getting a local boy 'off the streets' as it were and doing something positive with his time is good for the community all round?

I agree with this. Your boy needs some positive influences (outside of the family) in the local community instead of him being viewed as a scapegoat for everything that happens. The PCSO should be encouraging this instead of trying to use him as some kind of informer.

buckeejit · 27/10/2019 09:51

I'd ask to meet the vicar & have an honest conversation about it. I know it's difficult not to get upset when it feels your dc are being vilified but if you kick off that will confirm their bias.

It's beyond inappropriate for PCSO to ask for a reference from you also!

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 27/10/2019 10:13

Is this the follow up to Hot Fuzz?

Grin
ChilledBee · 27/10/2019 10:15

Do you have a GP called Martin and your local pub is the Crab and Lobster? I think I know the policeman.