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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be nervous of friend's dog coming on holiday with us

141 replies

Yesanothernamechange · 26/10/2019 19:06

We've mentioned to a few friends that we have just had a great holiday in a particular holiday park in Europe and that we are returning next year, in case they were interested in coming along too. One of the group, who is absolutely lovely and who we have known for 20 years, has expressed an interest in joining us but have said they would like to bring their dog along.

DD is terrified of dogs, having had a nasty experience with another big dog. Even if she were not, my friend's dog is a rottweiler, and to be absolutely honest, I'm not very keen myself on this breed of dog hanging around with my DDs (one of whom is a toddler and the other of whom can herself can get a bit over-excited when playing and sometimes has to be told to stop shrieking etc).

I appreciate that my friend is perfectly within her rights to have this dog and to take him to anywhere which allows dogs, but I also feel that I would probably avoid encounters with this breed when out and about, in parks, etc I have explained to her that DD is very nervous of dogs and asked whether it would be ok if we were to get houses which were not directly next to each other. Was I rude? She hasn't replied and I am wondering whether I've caused offence, but even if I have, I'm not sure what else I could reasonably have done. What would you have done? I appreciate that the unknown occupants of the cottage next door might also have a big dog, but DD wouldn't be playing with the kids there, so we probably wouldn't encounter it that much.

OP posts:
Mishfit0819 · 26/10/2019 20:38

YABU - rottweilers can be lovely dogs, as long as the owner, your friend of 20 years, has trained it well (would say the same for any breed).

You'd be much better off helping your daughter get over her fears, or else it will hold her back in life.

How would you feel if someone invited you on holiday to a kid friendly place but then later asked not to take your kid?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 20:40

How would you feel if someone invited you on holiday to a kid friendly place but then later asked not to take your kid?

FFS. Comparing a human child to a fucking Rottweiler. Try again.

kattekitt · 26/10/2019 20:44

Is this dog used to being around children?

There are no bad breeds.....it all comes down to training, if this dog is used to kids it’ll be used to the noise and bustle, it could actually help your dd, your anxiety will also heighten your dd’s.

I used to be scared of dogs, I now prefer dogs to some humans and that was from getting to know a Doberman

Iusedtobeskinny · 26/10/2019 20:45

I would just be honest with them, it might not have crossed their minds.

Holidays are for enjoying and just as I would not want to holiday with other people’s children, you don’t have to holiday with other people’s dogs.

Higginstone · 26/10/2019 20:50

Yanbu. If you don't want to go on holiday with a dog you don't have to. She's free to holiday elsewhere with her dog. She's just expressed an interest - tell her it wouldn't work for you.

Original poster
Yesanothernamechange · 26/10/2019 20:53

Thanks for your thoughts. My friend lives in a different part of the country and has bought her dog since we moved away, so we've never met him and the possibility of her bringing a dog didn't really occur to me before she mentioned it.

It would definitely be unreasonable of me to put DD through a week where she was frightened every time we went out anywhere. We obviously try to encourage her to feel more comfortable around dogs, but for her own comfort. I must confess that I have always been of the view that dog ownership is a very personal thing. I have no right to stop anyone else owning a dog and in return, they shouldn't try to impose their dog on me. I don't think there is any obligation on her to be ok with dogs jumping up on/around her, but obviously for her own sake, we try to make her feel better about dogs.

OP posts:
Gooseygoosey12345 · 26/10/2019 21:05

I think YABU to judge a whole breed like that. I think YANBU to say you'd rather not holiday with a dog. And I don't think holiday is the best time to try and resolve your daughter's fear, she should be able to relax too, not be anxious about the dog.

Original poster
Yesanothernamechange · 26/10/2019 21:13

Oh sorry - DD woke up while I was writing that response, and by the time I'd finished it, I had missed the intervening comments. :)

I don't really have a dog phobia, as such. I'm not a dog lover either, but I obviously try to be polite about other people's choices and give their beloved dogs a stroke after asking, show my DC enthusiastism about dogs that we pass in general etc. Little dogs are neither here nor there, but having been bitten a couple of times by visiting dogs as a child, I am a bit wary of dogs so big and/or strong that the owner couldn't pick them up and physically remove them in the event of any difficulties. I always think that, to a small child, they must seem as big as a horse does to me. I wouldn't want a horse jumping up on me and it would be pretty unreasonable of me to tell my child that she had to be ok with an equivalent situation. She really doesn't, and with the greatest of respect to the previous poster who mentioned the social difficulties of nervous children visiting, I feel that I would be a seriously poor parent if I were to tell her she needed to put up with something so clearly terrifying for her in order to make sure that my friend (an adult) was not socially inconvenienced.

As I say, other people have the right to make whatever decisions they want about their kids and dog ownership, but that is completely their business and nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/10/2019 21:16

@Yesanothernamechange I were to tell her she needed to put up with something so clearly terrifying for her in order to make sure that my friend (an adult) was not socially inconvenienced

Absolutely, and I say that as a dog owner and fan. Anything you do has to be in your DD's interests alone and it sounds like you're already doing that.

No your DD (or anyone) should not be jumped up on. She shouldn't even be approached if she doesn't want it.

BeesKnees4 · 26/10/2019 21:20

Very disappointing the amount of ignorance and discrimination against one breed, you’re more likely to be bitten by a Labrador than a Dottie. Why are so many pp allowing their kids to grow up petrified of dogs and unable to behave appropriately, far too much ignorance on MN regarding dogs.

moobar · 26/10/2019 21:20

There's also the post brexit issues with dog travel. Don't think anything has been clarified yet. That's in addition to the country specific rules re breeds.

JenniR29 · 26/10/2019 21:20

Not unreasonable at all. I get nervous around large dogs (think it stems from my childhood visiting my Dad at work and seeing how aggressive the police dogs were). I understand how she feels, and I’m an adult, a Rottweiler must seem massive to a child.

I wouldn’t go on holiday with a large dog and I wouldn’t hesitate to tell a friend that, I’d expect them to understand that my fear is legitimate.

loutypips · 26/10/2019 21:23

There's no way I'd put my child in that position of being stuck with a dog and being nervous for a week.
I was attacked by a Rottweiler when I was a child, completely at random and I didn't do anything to provoke it. Left me, and my friend who witnessed it, both petrified dogs. Actually I think my friend is worse than me around dogs, but he saw the whole thing happen.

Helping a child overcome a fear of dogs is important, but small doses are preferable rather than being stuck with an animal your dc might be scared of.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 26/10/2019 21:29

I don't have a specific anxiety around rottweilers, I do not like dogs in general and would not contemplate going on holiday with one I would have to be in contact with daily. As you said, your friend is perfectly welcome to own any dog she wants and take it anywhere she wants to,but it does mean your holiday is unlikely to be mutually convenient.

Original poster
Yesanothernamechange · 26/10/2019 21:43

BeesKnees4 - but we haven't chosen to own a Labrador either. I haven't chosen to own any dog. If you have, then that's great - I hope it brings you great joy - but it's really nothing to do with me. It's a lifestyle choice, just like smoking or having kids. I try hard not to impose my kids on others if they're not very intested in children and I would expect the same consideration from dog owners. If my kids were to leap up on reluctant passers-by, we would all be extremely unimpressed, I'm sure. There would be no obligation on anyone to learn to accept it. Really, it's the same with your dog, however much you would like it to be otherwise.

OP posts:
BarbarAnna · 26/10/2019 21:48

She really doesn't, and with the greatest of respect to the previous poster who mentioned the social difficulties of nervous children visiting, I feel that I would be a seriously poor parent if I were to tell her she needed to put up with something so clearly terrifying for her in order to make sure that my friend (an adult) was not socially inconvenienced.

I think this is directed at me. Not what I was saying at all. I was saying try to teach her it is not terrifying. Not to put up with something she finds terrifying. I was terrified of dogs as a child. No one taught me differently. It has taken me a long time to get over it. Luckily my parents had no dear friends with dogs. If they did, it would have made it difficult to see them. Which is what is happening here.

BarbarAnna · 26/10/2019 21:51

No your DD (or anyone) should not be jumped up on. She shouldn't even be approached if she doesn't want it.

Ref the above statement, think I might be missing something. Who said it was ok for dogs to be jumping up at children?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/10/2019 21:52

That was me!

No one said it was ok but OP said it happens out and about. I was agreeing that it shouldn't.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/10/2019 21:54

The second quote that is. I am a poor parents in that I have to kids which I think makes you the least successful kind!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/10/2019 21:54

NO kids

Also a poor poster

Wheat2Harvest · 26/10/2019 21:56

My daughter is also scared of dogs. It really annoys me when dog owners expect her to get over her fear but it never seems to occur to them that there are dog owners who are fearful of heights, blood, spiders and so on. That's OK, apparently.

If your friend is offended, then too bad. She needs to appreciate that not everyone wants to be around her dog.

BarbarAnna · 26/10/2019 21:57

Ok. I am completely confused. I don’t think I did anything wrong. Said YANBU but suggested teach DD not to be afraid. Am bowing it.

BarbarAnna · 26/10/2019 21:57

*out not it

Duck90 · 26/10/2019 21:59

Well you have obviously experienced dogs that jump at you. However, I walk my fluffy dogs down the street and they are frequently blindsided by children throwing themselves at them. Hanging around their necks. No checking if it is safe. So I would appreciate consideration from child owners too.
Just saying that it goes both ways and your post sounds like dogs are the problem.

DishingOutDone · 26/10/2019 22:00

Dont do this holiday. It will be miserable for everyone. I'm a bit confused why you think its not a good idea as its a rotweiler. It could be a poodle and it would be a bad idea - a holiday in Europe is not the time to teach your DD not to be scared of dogs, because what if that doesn't work and she's still upset?

You can't leave ANY dog in accommodation alone all day, there are so many things that could go wrong and when I take my dog out I am entirely focused on him, I like to make sure he's ok - not the other adults I am with. We have family members who don't like dogs and they have young kids who rightly or wrongly are very scared of dogs. So we have a sitter every time we visit them, or they visit us. We do not put the dog and the adults or kids who don't like him much in any space together because we want to enjoy our family time together, not be worrying if anyone is going to freak.

So its one or the other - she gets a dog sitter etc then comes with you, or she doesn't go.

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