To feel pissed off about my DP's migraines.

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

My DP suffers with regular migraines. I get them too, maybe three or four a year, whereas he gets one or two a month. When he gets one, he's in bed for anything up to 16 hours, sleeping and only leaving our bed to vomit.

I'm always supportive and sympathetic when he has an attack, rubbing his back when he's sick, fetching constant glasses of water, sometimes he wants a shoulder massage as he gets tension there.

I've asked him countless times to see a doctor and he says he will, but never does.

Consequently, these attacks ruin plans. He missed most of his sister's wedding because of one. Last year I got him tickets to see him favourite band, the band are from the USA and not here that often, I paid over £100 for tickets and on the day he was too ill to go and it was too late to sell them.

Today, we are meant to go to London, for a day out seeing the sights, meeting friends, arranged weeks ago and he's woken up with another migraine.

My sympathy is now starting to wane. Mainly due to the fact that if he'd gone to the doctor, one of the times I asked. He could now possibly have medication that either prevents or cures these migraines.

I'm now going to London on my own. We have tickets for something, so can't rearrange. Yet I'll also feel bad as I'll be worried about my DP all day. However, if I stay home I just have to sit in living room quiet as possible so as to not disturb him when he's sleeping.

YANBU. it's ridiculous that he won't seek medical advice. If he gets them this frequently it must be really affecting his life. Does he have to take much time off work with them, or do they mostly hit at weekends

Yeah I’d be fucked off with him too for not going to the doctor. Also bewildered that he doesn’t want to help himself?!

What medication are you on for yours? If it’s something standard like sumatriptan I’d just give him one of those to see how he gets on but will no doubt now have a full thread of “you should never share medication” posts

No you’re not U to expect him to try and do something to make it better. Men (and it usually is men) who refuse to try and treat medical issues really frustrate me. He could try some treatments and find nothing works, but he should at least try. It’s selfish and entirely illogical for his own wellbeing

If he felt that bad he would see a doctor. So it's all his own fault. I wouldn't expect someone to stay home to help me if I couldn't be arsed to help myself. It's lazy and selfish of him.

Can you take someone else with you? Don't feel guilty. And try and have fun!

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing thank you. No idea why he won't see a doctor. He's lived with me over three years and only recently registered at the survey. Mainly down to me nagging, as I'd taken his BP at home and it was in the very high zone. So I told him we'd have our first argument if he didn't see a doctor. Turns out his BP is very high, he wore a 24h monitor and now we are waiting on the Dr to call back about it. The migraines could be related to the BP. If not, then he really needs to see his GP.

They do mainly hit weekends, he's seen a link between late nights and dehydration. So he drank plenty of fluids last night and we went to bed early. I woke up all excited about our day out today, only to be told that he's got a migraine.

And yes, he's had quite a bit of time off work too.

@ShirleyPhallus I'm on Sumatripan. I've given him those, they don't seem to work. Plus because he vomits, he often can't keep one down.

Is he afraid he'll be diagnosed with a brain tumour if he sees the doctor? Have you asked him why he endures this - and inflicts the side effects on you - when there are brilliant drugs available to control it now?

Why does he think he is paying for the NHS on the first place if he doesn't use it?!

I would be giving a dose of tough love at this stage, though it's hard. No doctor's appointment, no shoulder rub, no sympathy and no creeping about the house!

He is being very selfish not seeking medical advice.

I would plan in future to take a friend to events rather than dp.

Just to clarify. He doesn't expect me to stay home, he's not selfish. But I am pissed off that because of not going to the doctor, yet again another set of plans is ruined.

I'll meet my friends when I get to London. I was just so looking forward to taking my DP to one of my favourite places in London.

My dh is the same - drives me nuts - but we’ve finally worked out ourselves they’re stress related - so he always gets one when we go on holiday for example - if his occur when he’s due to do “big” things could his be the same?

You shouldn't take sumatriptan is you have high blood pressure, so please don't give him that again. The GP will almost certainly want to see him again so I would try and go to the appointment with him and mention the frequent migraines.

@NearlyGranny I don't think he thinks that. He's suffered with them for 25+ years. His family all suffer them.

No idea why going the doctor is such a big deal.

I'm going to have it out with him tomorrow.

I suffer with really bad IBS-D and it has curtailed some plans in the past. But not a lot, as I take medication for it and often take a preventive Imodium before going out, so as not to get caught out.

@Reallybadidea thanks for that. He doesn't take them. He tried them a couple of times and they didn't help. I will see if I can go appointment. But I think he'd feel mollycoddled.

@DisneyMillie good point. Not sure. He definitely knows dehydration and tiredness cause his. Subsequently, he doesn't drink alcohol. Except when we're on holiday and he never gets a migraine on holiday. Odd!

Of course he should go to the doctor!

YANBU.
As a migraine sufferer I can not comprehend why he wouldn’t want to have medication to hand to ease the agony. Baffling.
I hope you enjoy your day anyway.

Does he suffer from anxiety ? Seems that he gets a migraine when there is a big event coming up.

I'm not saying he's pretending to have them but my dsis suffers with serious anxiety and when there is a party/event she usually ends up with some kind of vomiting/ headache through stressing about going.

He should definitely see a doctor. But also, if shoulder rubs help, how about a manual therapist? Chiro/Osteoarticular/sports massage? Migraines are complicated so joints and muscles would only be part of the picture but could refuse frequency and may be more receptive to that than Dr? I’d be seriously aggravated too in your position.

Maybe ask him how he would feel in reverse. If he was watching you in pain this often and you were refusing to do anything to help yourself?

Osteopath.
Not Osteoarticular?!!

YANBU. I’m not sure what the correlation is but I keep seeing this again and again! All my girlfriends who have migraines treat it like any other medical condition you’d get treatment for, go to the doctor, get a referral to a neurologist if necessary (though wait times are atrocious 😬), get medication, and try to get on. But I seem to only see men with migraines who: won’t see a doctor, don’t take medication (I mean, through a doctor, though they might try something OTC), and don’t do anything about it even though it’s affecting their lives.

I hate to say it but I often feel it’s because people expect women to “soldier on,” so we can’t just refuse to see a doctor for something that would stop us from grocery shopping or working or cooking or picking up the kids or a million other things. Your DP doesn’t sound like a bad guy at all, but for whatever reason, what he’s missing out on (his sister’s wedding!) is still not worse to him than seeing a doctor. Only you and he can figure out why. Like someone previously said, is he perhaps afraid of a brain tumor or something? Because I don’t think he should be. These sound like very normal migraines. Also, it’s very common for them to happen before big events - someone is excited for event, that causes tension even if it would normally be a good kind of tension like excitement, and that can trigger a migraine. Honestly, without seeing a doctor, it’s impossible to say for sure it’s migraines - it could be tension headaches or cluster headaches, depending on the patterns and where the pain is in his head.

Right, yes, my point: YANBU to be completely fucked off. I would be, too. Once the migraine has passed, I would sit down and have a talk, no anger, just list out the things he’s missed, and that YOU miss HIM, like how sad you were not to share London with him today, and that it’s time for him to get these headaches sorted. No one should have to live in pain.

My DP has been on medication for 2 years for migraines and still gets them so it doesn't necessarily immediately help. He's just had 33 Botox injections so maybe that will work. I do sympathise with you though op. It ruins plan after plan. I got to thinking Is this my life now? Must be really annoying if he won't seek help in the first place.

He absolutely should go to the doctor, good management can seriously reduce migraines but you can't "cure" a neurological condition like migraine.

Maybe he is worried it is something more sinister? I know I have chronic migraine but in some of my darker moments I manage to convince myself I'm dying.

Talk to him but not when he is having an attack. Wait until he is well. Like a day or two later. Migraines go on well after the pain ends.

I also get migraines (only 3 or 4 a year), and fin that sometimes I used to feel better once sick. I found soluble panadol helped as hit the bloodstream quicker. Also excluded cheese and chocolate when younger as these can be triggers. Although don't now as makes no difference! Has he checked his normal diet to see if there are any triggers? Or could stress also contribute? He does need to see doctor, as it's affecting things so much. Hope you enjoy your day x

Thanks so much. Some really sound advice and good points there.

Maybe you're right about stress / big events.

We had a Friday to Monday trip away this year, by the sea, we go every year. It's a four hour drive away. On the Friday he woke up with a migraine and we couldn't go on our break, he slept until lunchtime the next day and we finally went to our holiday, but for the journey time and only getting two nights there made it hardly worth it.

A previous year, he woke up with a bad headache on the Friday. But we still went to our break. It turned into a migraine mid-trip and he was vomiting in bags in the car. When we arrived. He went to bed and I spent the first night of our break alone, bored off my tits.

I get cluster migraines so am bedbound 2/3x every week.
I have been seen by doctors including specialists
However, there is no medication or cure that they have found for me that helps. Many medications I cannot take because I have asthma and high blood pressure for which I am on other medications. So years ago I was discharged to cope on my own as a disabled person. Lucky I am a housewife and my husband is understanding about the lost time. We have missed many many events and always have some travel insurance claim going because I cannot control when one will strike and if one strikes on a travelling day......

OP I know your dp won’t see a doctor now, but you mentioned migraines run in his family and he’s always had them. Do you know whether he ever went to the doctor in the past and they’ve already determined there is no medication/cure for him? If so, there may be no point to going back again unless they are getting worse or more often.

Oh and have sports massages and I used to get chronic headaches when I was young and massage helped a lot.

Again, I recommend massages to him, he agrees. But never books it. I might buy him a voucher for Christmas.