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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want to be a Mrs even though I'm now divorced?

286 replies

flirtygirl · 25/10/2019 15:02

I kept my maiden name and used my married name for the years I was married (13). The married name I've been changing over now but for years I was Miss C Smith or Mrs C Smith Jones (both show on my credit report, passport is in one and driving licence in the other) .

I now want to be Mrs C Smith instead of Miss.

No idea why but it hurts me for people to think I'm a single mum who has never been married, is it my internalised misogyny?

I know it shouldn't matter to be but it does.

OP posts:
IfNot · 26/10/2019 21:13

Yeah everybody think Ms means divorced which doesn't bother me except that it's still seen as relevant what a woman's marital status is!

Morningmoodiness · 26/10/2019 21:18

I’m a Ms or Miss (don’t mind which spelling but if I’m writing it I write Ms but if it’s Miss I don’t change it)

And I’m a teacher so I am called by title a lot.

But I never changed my last name. And I think Miss/ms is more modern and less stuffy than Mrs.

Mrs is a name from the past when women belonged to a man and a woman was labelled with his name like a belonging of his.

And I don’t think people think negatively of me because I’m called a Miss/Ms but maybe they do as they do tend to be surprised to find out I’ve got primary school aged children. I thought this was because I looked young for my age but maybe it’s because they thought I was single and child free.

mumwon · 26/10/2019 21:23

technically - old fashioned but hey ho! when married you should refer to yourself as Mrs John (husbands first name) Smith (his surname) when widowed divorced You refer to yourself as Mrs Mary Smith. But there is no reason you cant choose /change name & call yourself Mrs (maiden name) if you want to- you can deed poll it for formal change cant you?

SenecaFalls · 26/10/2019 21:24

I think, Jassy, that for some people Ms is unpronounceable in the same way as aspects of others' regional dialects that they don't like are ungrammatical

So not really unpronounceable, just rejected.

DaveMyHat · 26/10/2019 21:30

My mum carried on using Mrs after her divorce. I think for ease and because she was used to it. I've used Ms since I was an adult. I've never married.

BlouseAndSkirt · 27/10/2019 00:50

Mumwon, there’s no ‘should’ about it. It’s an antiquated custom that people can choose to use, but not ‘should’ use.

And you don’t have to use deed poll to revert from married name to birth name.

RainMinusBow · 27/10/2019 05:09

@Morningmoodiness I'm also a teacher (I'm primary) and use Miss 😊 I'm 39 and a divorcee, engaged but no urgency to marry again.

One of the kids asked me the other day how come I am a Miss but I have two children!!!

Wait until they find out I'm pregnant ha ha ha!! Grin

prawnsword · 27/10/2019 05:20

I think it’s weird to want to be called Mrs when you’re not married
Also think it’s weird to worry that people will care if you appear as though you have never married

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 27/10/2019 06:44

As well as no 'should' there's also no 'technically' about it. That's just not how titles work. Whenever people say technically something or other on this topic, they're almost invariably about to be wrong.

JassyRadlett · 27/10/2019 07:22

I think it’s weird to want to be called Mrs when you’re not married

I think it’s weird to have a title that changes based on whether you’re married or not.

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2019 09:50

If there was any advantage to announcing your marital status in your name, men would do it.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/10/2019 10:43

I think it’s weird to have a title that changes based on whether you’re married or not.

I couldn't agree more. But the interesting thing would be how women who 'like being Mrs' would respond to every adult woman being addressed as such, regardless of marital status, like the model in Germany and France.

It's one thing to express a preference on how you personally would like to be addressed. It's another to want to impose those preferences on other women (i.e. like me saying I'd prefer every adult woman to be addressed as Ms. Which, actually, I would, but I accept this is more than unreasonable).

If 'Mrs' confers some special form of privilege, would it negate that privilege to have every other woman share that mode of address? The dilemma ....!

greypetex · 27/10/2019 11:04

I think it’s weird to have a title that changes based on whether you’re married or not.

It only changes if you choose to change it. It's not compulsory.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/10/2019 11:16

If there was any advantage to announcing your marital status in your name, men would do it.

Hear hear @BertrandRussell

Durgasarrow · 27/10/2019 11:17

I like Ms. It's adult and it means none of your fucking business.

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 27/10/2019 11:39

Me too. Ms definitely does not mean divorced.

LesserofTwoWeevils · 27/10/2019 18:07

Ms all the way, since I was about 11.

I have never heard it pronounced any other way than Miz, but if people want to say Muz, cool.

Are the people who can manage to say Mr, Dr, Mrs (and numerous other vowel-free words and abbreviations) with no difficulty, but can't figure out Ms, really making that claim with a straight face?

Btw CatteStreet, did you go to the college with the bridge?

JassyRadlett · 27/10/2019 18:17

But the interesting thing would be how women who 'like being Mrs' would respond to every adult woman being addressed as such, regardless of marital status, like the model in Germany and France.

The poster I was responding to gives a good pointer - that it’s ‘weird’ (which was what I was countering with my ‘what I find weird’ response, to the other poster who seemed to miss the point....)

RuthW · 27/10/2019 18:42

I've been divorced 15 years. I choose to still be a Mrs.

Kanga83 · 27/10/2019 18:53

Ms. I'm married but am a Ms. My marital status has no bearing on anyone else so I'm Mrs for household bills etc and my bank card, but everywhere else it's Ms.

My mum when she divorced my adulting waste of time dad took great delight in staying Mrs Kanga just to show my dads new wife (the OW) that she was the first, the original and still Mrs Kanga Grin

CatteStreet · 27/10/2019 19:31

LesserofTwoWeevils, nope, less prestigious one a bit further out... Spent a lot of time in the Rad Cam though!

IfNot · 27/10/2019 20:46

Are the people who can manage to say Mr, Dr, Mrs (and numerous other vowel-free words and abbreviations) with no difficulty, but can't figure out Ms, really making that claim with a straight face?
Fucksake.

Mister
Missus
Doctor
Mzzzz
Honestly can you say you don't hear the difference? It's a crap word it just is. It just uz. Izz. Zzzzzz.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 27/10/2019 20:48

Miss sounds like a hiss but we never seem to hear anyone whine about that.

CatteStreet · 27/10/2019 20:50

It's like 'buzz' with a slightly shorter middle 'u' sound. (Or, pronounced the US way, just like 'tizz' or 'fizz'). Not sure where the insurmountable pronunciation challenge is there, tbh. (And there's absolutely no reason to make an endless 'zzzz' sound at the end of it, unless you actively want to ridicule the word).

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 27/10/2019 20:53

There isn't one. It's just barrel scraping. And being selectively simple.