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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop giving a lift?

115 replies

Roolou658 · 25/10/2019 07:05

Hello first time poster. More looking for advice on a work situation. A girl in work was stuck for a lift a few weeks back to the bus station. As it was on my way I offered. Now the last few weeks it's been at least twice a week and then a full week here and there. I didn't really mind as one offs but I'm starting to feel a bit put out.
We work 3 varying shifts patterns and the other day she informed me she has asked management to change her shifts so she can be in the same as me so she can have a lift. That would mean I'd be giving her a lift for nearly 2 and half weeks straight and i don't really want to. I just don't know how to get out of it now. It's on the way but it's my only quiet time and I feel like it's just been assumed it's ok. I really just want to say sorry but I can't but i don't know how to politely. The other day I had to take my boyfriend to work so text her the day before to say sorry I couldnt give her a lift and she planned out my route to say that if I went earlier I'd still have time to pick her up and if I didn't could I still give her a lift back? She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel. I get it but I don't feel I should have to give someone my schedule and then be tied to it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 25/10/2019 07:08

Just tell her that you're unable to give her lifts anymore. No need to give a reason. She's being a CF and sometimes you just have to shut them off. She'll grumble and huff about but better that short period of being uncomfortable than weeks and possibly months of giving her free lifts.

kittycatloveyou · 25/10/2019 07:13

I’m afraid the only answer is to be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to be locked into a schedule to suite her. If you can’t tell her face to face then just text that the arrangements doesn’t suite you and she needs to organise something else.

Justkeeprollingalong · 25/10/2019 07:17

Just say you can't give her a lift after Friday. If she asks why say you don't want to be tied down. Do not give in or say you will do it occasionally, that leaves room for it to get out of hand again.

MiddleClassProblem · 25/10/2019 07:18

CF
I don’t drive and would never expect a lift let alone demand one!

When saying you can’t don’t tell her exact info as to why too. “Meeting a friend” etc. Keep it loose.

Also tell management you’d rather my have every shift with her.

And just tell her you can’t do it everyday. Maybe you’ve got a new hobby that’s twice a week too. If she asks where, just say you really can’t give her a lift.

Snowflake9 · 25/10/2019 07:21

Jesus. What a CF..I would say, I have no problem helping you out once in a blue moon, but I am.not going to be your regular transport. It puts too much pressure on me and I like my headspace in the mornings to be able to focus on the day ahead.

MarigoldGlove · 25/10/2019 07:21

😮she asked you to tell her a week in advance of your plans!

Text her
Claudia, giving you a lift to work isn’t working for me so today will be the last day.

Vulpine · 25/10/2019 07:21

Tell her to google the nearest bike shop

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 25/10/2019 07:21

Just text her now and say sorry I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

LucileDuplessis · 25/10/2019 07:23

Think about what would work for you in this situation. Would you be ok with giving her a lift say twice a week and committing to those days? If so, you could offer that as a compromise. But if not, you totally have the right to say no. Just explain that you never know in advance whether or not you'll be giving your boyfriend a lift so you can't stick to this arrangement.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/10/2019 07:26

Oh I loathe hese CF's that assume you are there to accommodate they're needs. Tell her simply you are unable to commit.

PrettyPurse · 25/10/2019 07:26

Currently open mouthed that she planned a route so you could still collect her. I have a friend like that who is lovely but a blunt NO has to be said otherwise she'll push and push trying to find alternatives.

Speak to your manager and just let them know that they don't need to go to the effort of changing colleague's shifts as you've never agreed to give her a lift

fedup21 · 25/10/2019 07:28

What a cf!

dudsville · 25/10/2019 07:30

That's awful! Let her know it was something you didn't mind doing that 1st time, you were happy to help, but it's become much more than you'd ever intended so you won't be carying on.

I was once in a similar situation but was the one getting a lift. I lived a short distance from work but at the bottom of a steep hill that was the last bit of road before arriving at work. Colleague picked me up one day. I was a bit overly grateful because i hate the hill, which I think prompted her to offer to do it regularly. So I would gratefully wait. I didn't realise when she no lounger wanted to do it. One day she just went the long way around, avoiding me where, not knowing she wasn't coming, I waited. I was late in to work and felt ashamed. I wish she could have told me, but we're adults and managed it very well after that. I walk up the hill and I honestly don't notice if she drives past, I don't look. Please do just tell her. Adults should be able to accommodate this.

MakeItRain · 25/10/2019 07:34

Message to say "Really sorry, but I cannot offer you further lifts as it has meant me juggling my own plans constantly to accommodate the drive to X (where you drop her) Glad I was able to help out for a while and hope you find another solution."

If she quizzes you just say you're used to shopping/leaving at no particular fixed time/meeting or picking up your boyfriend/chatting to friends after work and that you bought your car in order not to have to travel to a rigid timetable. Let her think what she likes about you.

Countryescape · 25/10/2019 07:35

I’d just say that while you were happy to help out here and there you don’t want to be tied into anything permanent and that she needs to find her own way to work from now on. You don’t need to give a reason or justify yourself. She’s being very cheeky assuming rides from you and altering her schedule to suit yours. She doesn’t care about you so why should you care about her.

Imoan123 · 25/10/2019 07:36

Start charging her £1.50 per journey as that's what london buses charge per journey. Say to her as she thinks you're her personal taxi service then she should pay accordingly.

PostNotInHaste · 25/10/2019 07:39

Just text her now and say sorry I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

I would do this. If she asks why it doesn’t suit you and CF do this generally as see, to see it as a challenge to shoot down anything that stands in the way of what they seem to think is their right then I would at that point say you value your own space in the car and don’t like being tied into any arrangements so are no longer prepared to do it.

quincejamplease · 25/10/2019 07:39

Saying no is not rude.

How did the second lift happen after the initial "one off"? Because you felt it was rude to say no?

Crusytoenail · 25/10/2019 07:41

I don't drive and I plan my travel around well, work and public transport times! I arrive 45 mins early and wait 50 mins after a shift because of this and work nights because it's the only shifts that I can reliably get to work and home again on public transport. You do what you need to do in order to make it work - independently!
If there were a specific reason, as in she'd broken her leg and was asking for help short term to get to the bus station that would be a different matter, but this sounds like she's just decided you're going to be part of her journey to/from work.
It's not your responsibility to get her to/from work and by the sounds of it if you try making an excuse of something else to do she'll just plan your route for you to include her in it! So I think the only way forward is to say no, and follow that up with it's not your responsibility to get her to and from work, and stick to it. It'll probably be awkward but it's not you causing that.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/10/2019 07:42

What a CF-just say no!

Loveislandaddict · 25/10/2019 07:43

She asked for,your plans a week I advance. Simple, your plans are that you can’t give her a lift.

It’s horrible being put on the spot like that but her transport isn’t your responsibility.

If management asks, just be honest and say you value the time to yourself to relax before and after work, go shopping. Incidently, they shouldn’t get involved. You can riven cite the Boyfriend example you gave us above as to why you don’t want to give Lifts, as you don’t want to be dictated to.

Maybe even say your insurance doesn’t cover given regular lifts to someone.

quincejamplease · 25/10/2019 07:43

Just text her now and say sorry I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

This is clear and assertive enough.

Loveislandaddict · 25/10/2019 07:44

Just text her now and say sorry I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this.

Good text to send.

CalmdownJanet · 25/10/2019 07:44

It's a pity when she said about changing shifts you didn't say "Eh you shouldn't have done that, my journey to work is the only time I get alone, i'm not up for company" or after the route change or when she asked for notice of your plans, it seems you've left at least 3 opportunities to knock this on the head go by. Cheeky fuckers are always harder to deal with the longer it goes on.

I think I would say today "Almost at the end of the week, I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Actually from next week I won't be doing lifts at all, either to or from work, just so you cab sort something and know not to ask. See you, have a good one" Just be bright and breezy, no excuses, no apologies

OneTerrificMouse · 25/10/2019 07:46

'Hi. Managing my diary around your journeys? Nah I'll pass but thanks for the kind offer.'

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