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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop giving a lift?

115 replies

Roolou658 · 25/10/2019 07:05

Hello first time poster. More looking for advice on a work situation. A girl in work was stuck for a lift a few weeks back to the bus station. As it was on my way I offered. Now the last few weeks it's been at least twice a week and then a full week here and there. I didn't really mind as one offs but I'm starting to feel a bit put out.
We work 3 varying shifts patterns and the other day she informed me she has asked management to change her shifts so she can be in the same as me so she can have a lift. That would mean I'd be giving her a lift for nearly 2 and half weeks straight and i don't really want to. I just don't know how to get out of it now. It's on the way but it's my only quiet time and I feel like it's just been assumed it's ok. I really just want to say sorry but I can't but i don't know how to politely. The other day I had to take my boyfriend to work so text her the day before to say sorry I couldnt give her a lift and she planned out my route to say that if I went earlier I'd still have time to pick her up and if I didn't could I still give her a lift back? She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel. I get it but I don't feel I should have to give someone my schedule and then be tied to it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2019 09:54

She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

Ah - she's got form.

I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know you would expect this to become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

This. ^^ Send the text suggested above, it's great. No room for persuasion in it - it doesn't suit you for it to be a regular arrangement, so you can't be persuaded, can you? You don't need to explain any further than that it doesn't suit you.

IrmaFayLear · 25/10/2019 09:57

I can imagine in some offices the management relationship is a bit more casual than in others, so that a manager might well say, "Oh, go on, it's not out of your way," to the OP, or "But how will X get in?" If your manager likes or respects the colleague, then that is difficult. (Been there! Had to reprimand a staff member, and then my boss undermined me because they were a friend of said staff member...)

Anyway, I think a firm and polite excuse by text is the way to go. Just, "Sorry, X, unable to commit to any regular arrangement for lifts. See you at work tomorrow!"

BlueChangeling · 25/10/2019 10:02

its best to nip this in the bud now, better to have a few weeks of awkwardness than you having to give lifts and start feeling resentful. You don't need to give excuses, one of the hardest things I learnt was saying NO to someone without the need to profusely apologise after... its a lesson well learnt.

Chickenwing · 25/10/2019 10:17

I would say can you start chipping in for petrol say £5 per week as its costing me extra to pick up and drop you. She will stop wanting a lift.

Roussette · 25/10/2019 10:39

I would say can you start chipping in for petrol say £5 per week as its costing me extra to pick up and drop you. She will stop wanting a lift

And what if she doesn't? How convenient to pay just £5 a week for lifts twice a day! She'd snap at that offer and OP is back to square one doing something she doesn't want to do at all, for a measly fiver a week. £5 a day maybe...

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/10/2019 11:14

Can you speak to whomever she's asked to change her shifts and explain your situation? With luck they'll say no.

seven201 · 25/10/2019 11:33

"I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know you would expect this to become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this"

I agree with everyone else. The above message is all you need to send. Don't let her talk you into it!

timshelthechoice · 25/10/2019 11:54

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

Then you text her, stick to messaging and exactly this: I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this.

Do NOT engage with this person because she's a pisstaking cunt. 'I already told you NO.' 'I'm not available to give you lifts.' 'Why not?' 'Because I have other stuff to do!'

And you really need to use those tools linked to learn how to tell twats like this NO or they'll use you.

fedup21 · 25/10/2019 14:18

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

Blimey-I wouldn’t have given someone like that a lift in the first place! What happened with HR?

Send the text, OP-don’t let her treat you like this.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/10/2019 14:46

Text her, don't tell her face to face she will bully you into explaining why and then make you change your 'plans' to pick her up.

BlueJava · 25/10/2019 14:48

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

Wow - she has form. Get rid of her before there are other repercussions you weren't expecting.

GruciusMalfoy · 25/10/2019 14:52

She's an entitled fucker! I agree with the post from page 1 that says to tell her you didn't realise this would become a regular thing. You're absolutely not being unreasonable.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 25/10/2019 15:32

YANBU. Text her and say you can't give her lifts any more.
Cheeky mare.

Drum2018 · 25/10/2019 16:00

I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

Text her that tonight, as I assume you are already committed to giving her a lift today. If she replies questioning why, you simply reply 'as I said in my text, it doesn't suit me' and don't reply to any further messages. Definitely don't engage in any messages she may send trying to find a compromise of one day per week etc. It's an outright No, end of. Do it tonight so you don't have it hanging over you for the weekend. Just remember you are not responsible for her or anyone else getting to work. She can buy her own bloody car.

Itsallpetetong · 25/10/2019 16:21

was stuck for a lift a few weeks back to the bus station

How did she usually get to the bus station? Had she forced her CF self on another colleague previously and they have now managed to get out of it? If so, ask them how they did it

Beautiful3 · 25/10/2019 16:22

Wow!!! I would honestly text back and say, " I don't mind giving a lift in an emergency as a one off, but not every day. Sorry." And leave it at that. If she asks why, just explain that you like your quiet time, and cant give a weeks notice as you like the freedom to chop and change your plans.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 25/10/2019 17:19

Do not say sorry.
you have nothing to apologize about.
this is how CFs get away with shit.

WeeDangerousSpike · 25/10/2019 17:32

I too am a socially awkward, introverted, people pleaser.

I think I'd say 'I'm not able to give you lifts any more' I would probably also say sorry, because, see above

When she says why, I'd say 'it's personal' if she pushes it 'like I said, it's personal, I don't want to talk about it'

It stops her being able to 'problem solve' around your reason, like telling you to leave earlier

And you're bound to be awkward and uncomfortable, it will show, but 'it's personal' covers that. Stops her seeing a weakness to wiggle through iyswim.

Drum2018 · 25/10/2019 17:36

I don't mind giving a lift in an emergency as a one off, but not every day. Sorry." And leave it at that

Don't offer a lift in an emergency as every day will become an emergency.

monkeymonkey2010 · 25/10/2019 17:37

she planned out my route to say that if I went earlier I'd still have time to pick her up and if I didn't could I still give her a lift back? She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel

If anyone said that to me i'd burst out laughing and ask them if they're for real, do they want fries with that...and to advance pay me £200 a month as that is my rate for Chauffeur services

I don't get why you felt bad and offered her a lift in the first place knowing how she screwed over other people re petrol money.

messolini9 · 25/10/2019 18:01

Bloody hello OP, not only is she instructing you to leave earlier & adapt your route to accommodate her if you are giving your b/f a lift, but She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel !!

However this last CFery gives you an opening:
"I cant always plan a week ahead, & want to be able to make my own arrangements and hoc, so wont be able to be a reliable source of lifts for you like this. You'd be better off reverting to your usual, previous travel arrangements."

Presumably she knew how to get from home to work BEFORE you kindly intervened. So you just now need to make it clear that her commute is not a part of your job description.

messolini9 · 25/10/2019 18:02

ad hoc, not and hoc!

StoneofDestiny · 25/10/2019 18:06

'I will not be giving any lifts in the future, it's not working out for me'

Latteaday123 · 25/10/2019 18:19

How funny that YOU have got to text HER about your plans!!! Some people are just so self-absorbed

PrettyPurse · 25/10/2019 18:29

@Roolou658 what happened today?

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