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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop giving a lift?

115 replies

Roolou658 · 25/10/2019 07:05

Hello first time poster. More looking for advice on a work situation. A girl in work was stuck for a lift a few weeks back to the bus station. As it was on my way I offered. Now the last few weeks it's been at least twice a week and then a full week here and there. I didn't really mind as one offs but I'm starting to feel a bit put out.
We work 3 varying shifts patterns and the other day she informed me she has asked management to change her shifts so she can be in the same as me so she can have a lift. That would mean I'd be giving her a lift for nearly 2 and half weeks straight and i don't really want to. I just don't know how to get out of it now. It's on the way but it's my only quiet time and I feel like it's just been assumed it's ok. I really just want to say sorry but I can't but i don't know how to politely. The other day I had to take my boyfriend to work so text her the day before to say sorry I couldnt give her a lift and she planned out my route to say that if I went earlier I'd still have time to pick her up and if I didn't could I still give her a lift back? She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel. I get it but I don't feel I should have to give someone my schedule and then be tied to it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 25/10/2019 07:47

I came on here fully thinking I'd be telling you yabu, as it's really appreciated by people without cars if they can get a lift and I assumed it wasn't going to be out of your way, but yeah yanbu. She's a serious CF. It's so rude to just impose on you like that, changing her shifts, telling you you can drive a different route. Under those circumstances I'd stop offering lifts too and I'd tell her the reason if she pushed for one

londonrach · 25/10/2019 07:47

Just say no

MissMarpletheMurderer · 25/10/2019 07:47

For future, if I get asked for a lift I always say yes to that request but say straight from the start that I can not do it regularly. I am happy to help in an emergency but I can not be tied down to a commitment. Most people respect this but when a cf doesn't (and there is always one, aside thank you for raising this as I have just realised which one of my 'friends' is a massive CF) I remind them of what I said and that I won't be continuing.

DettolObsessed · 25/10/2019 07:49

Seriously just stop being a pushover and tell her. I was in the same situation a few years ago! A colleague asked me to take her home so I did, and then she started to take advantage of that and I ended up picking her up and dropping her off even though it was out of my way. I told her in the end either she gives me petrol money or I cannot do it anymore. She never texted me back after that and thankfully our shifts ended up becoming the opposite so I didn't have to face her.

Pinkyyy · 25/10/2019 07:49

Definitely let her know. And don't say anything like 'you can still ask me in emergencies'. She will start inventing reasons very quickly.

BlouseAndSkirt · 25/10/2019 07:49

“Sorry, can’t really give you a schedule or plan if my week as I need to be flexible. Happy to give you a lift on an ‘as and when ‘ occasional basis but I can’t commit to anything”

IsolaPribby · 25/10/2019 07:57

What was she doing before you started giving her lifts? Surely she can go back to that?

Original poster
Roolou658 · 25/10/2019 07:58

I think that is the problem that I am a pushover. I'm quite socially awkward and find it difficult to say no. I'll tell her it tonight to give plenty of notice.

OP posts:
RedskyToNight · 25/10/2019 07:58

I agree with just saying "no".

But I guess you could also use the approach that is this is going to become a regular "lift share" arrangement, then she ought to be paying a reasonable sum towards petrol and running costs on your car. Suspect she won't be too keen if the lift is not free.

Original poster
Roolou658 · 25/10/2019 08:00

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/10/2019 08:01

I hate being pinned down to stuff like this, sometimes I want to work longer, or shorter (although I get with shift work this isn't always applicable) or go to the shops or whatever.

You're probably going to have to bite the bullet and tell her it's not working out for you and not to rely on you giving her a lift. It will be uncomfortable, I guess. But it's that or continue.

Sunsoottitsoot · 25/10/2019 08:05

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end.

This tells you everything you need to know about her attitude.

Pol16 · 25/10/2019 08:07

Be prepared for her to stop speaking to you once you do this, but remember she will stop speaking to you even if you end the lifts in two years time. This is what CFs do. I had a colleague to whom I gave a lift to work I went out of my way and seriously added to my journey time, doubled it in fact. I did it for a long time but when I stopped, she was very ‘off’ with me and I know she bad mouthed me to another colleague. You will feel unbelievably empowered and ‘free’ when you stop giving lifts. Be strong as it will be so worth it!

ImGenderfree · 25/10/2019 08:09

Agree with Sunsoottitsoot and I would get out of this now before it becomes more entrenched. She is a CF with prior history. Send the text suggested above.

Derbee · 25/10/2019 08:12

I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know it would become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

This is what I’d say (I’ve taken out the sorry part. You shouldn’t be sorry, that implies you’re in the wrong) The previous story with HR tells you all you need to know. You won’t miss out if she stops talking to you.

ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 25/10/2019 08:13

I recently had to do something similar with an acquaintance, who I’m not keen on, who thought she could wait for me on my daily dog walking route and then walk round with me for an hour - at her snails pace, talking AT me about herself in a monotone voice that drove me mad. One day when I found her waiting for me, I said something along the lines of: “I’m so sorry, but I really enjoy walking on my own. After a long day at work, this quiet time is really important to me etc”. I felt like a monster and it’s been super awkward since, but her hijacking my walks was making me miserable.

Zofloraqueen27 · 25/10/2019 08:13

I was in exactly the same position many years ago and learnt my lesson. Op you just have to stop giving this very CF a lift.

I once offered a friend a lift into the city centre one evening straight from work - a few of us were going to the theatre. I gave her a lift home of course..

The following day after work there she was waiting by my car for a lift home to her house ....and so it continued. It was very difficult as she was a friend and we worked in the same office.

It became my problem how she would get home when I was on holiday or had an odd day off. I fractured my wrist once and had to get the bus into work. Fortunately my husband could pick me up from work for the week or so I couldn’t drive......she would give him instructions on the best way back to her house (even though he was a fireman and knew the roads very well!).

What did it for me was this friend offered lifts in my car to her colleague saying “just drop Sue off too - it’s not much out of OUR way - it very much was!

Please stop this now Op - - better an unpleasant five minutes now or years of being taken for a mug. Don’t let this become your responsibility. Good luck. Please come back and tell us you have told her.

Roussette · 25/10/2019 08:17

She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

This should've been your warning sign. TBH I wouldn't have even given her one lift because her previous massive strop would have told me something. Maybe I'm just a cynic...

LannisterLion1 · 25/10/2019 08:17

She's a CF. You need to stop this now. Replanning your journeys to suit her and demanding any changes are a week in advance? Cheeky cow. Tell her now so she has the weekend to whine.

Mousetolioness · 25/10/2019 08:17

Hell! She has form for being a user. Tell her no. You don't need a reason. But if you feel you must just say 'It doesn't work for me.'

Personally, I value my 'alone time' in my car. Hate the journey so that is the only upside. I'd tell her this morning. You won't have it hanging over you all day then.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 25/10/2019 08:18

Just tell her you can't do it. If she asks why, say it doesn't work for you.

LannisterLion1 · 25/10/2019 08:21

So HR know she's a CF. In that case I'd have an informal chat with them as she's likely to complain about you too. Tell them you never agreed to this and now she's trying to change her hours and replan your journeys. Give them a heads up for when she whines.

And this text is perfect, removing the sorry is best, I'd amend a tiny bit

won't be able to give you lifts anymore. I didn't know you would expect this to become a regular thing and it doesn't suit me to be committed to an arrangement like this

AJPTaylor · 25/10/2019 08:22

Cheeky fucker with form .
Bin

Crawley65 · 25/10/2019 08:33

I’d hate being tied in this way. I would go for the easy option and say I am not passing where she wants dropping off as have xyz in opposite direction.

I’d say this for a few weeks and then hopefully she will have moved on from this cf behaviour.

simplekindoflife · 25/10/2019 08:35

Initially, I thought, well if it's on your way then I don't see the problem. Especially as the weather is getting worse, just do a nice thing! 🤷🏻‍♀️

But this:

The other day I had to take my boyfriend to work so text her the day before to say sorry I couldnt give her a lift and she planned out my route to say that if I went earlier I'd still have time to pick her up and if I didn't could I still give her a lift back? She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel.

But this ^ takes the absolute piss!! Does she think you're her chauffeur?? Cheeky fucker!

Does she give you any petrol money?