Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop giving a lift?

115 replies

Roolou658 · 25/10/2019 07:05

Hello first time poster. More looking for advice on a work situation. A girl in work was stuck for a lift a few weeks back to the bus station. As it was on my way I offered. Now the last few weeks it's been at least twice a week and then a full week here and there. I didn't really mind as one offs but I'm starting to feel a bit put out.
We work 3 varying shifts patterns and the other day she informed me she has asked management to change her shifts so she can be in the same as me so she can have a lift. That would mean I'd be giving her a lift for nearly 2 and half weeks straight and i don't really want to. I just don't know how to get out of it now. It's on the way but it's my only quiet time and I feel like it's just been assumed it's ok. I really just want to say sorry but I can't but i don't know how to politely. The other day I had to take my boyfriend to work so text her the day before to say sorry I couldnt give her a lift and she planned out my route to say that if I went earlier I'd still have time to pick her up and if I didn't could I still give her a lift back? She also asked if I could let her know a week in advance my plans so she can plan her travel. I get it but I don't feel I should have to give someone my schedule and then be tied to it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 25/10/2019 08:39

I think that is the problem that I am a pushover. I'm quite socially awkward and find it difficult to say no

The CF is a side issue - this is the issue to work on for the future. Some companies offer assertiveness training (might be called "negotiating skills", "communicating with confidence" or similar rather than simply "assertiveness). It may be listed under training to improve diversity in an organisation.

If not there are some free lessons and tutorials around and occasionally women's charities run workshops.

There are a couple of text based initial lessons here:

www.openlearningworld.com/innerpages/Assertiveness%20Training.htm

www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

But I'm sure I've seen tutorials on YouTube as well.

XXcstatic · 25/10/2019 08:39

I am afraid that you have to be clear and unapologetic with CFs. They will ignore hints.

Don't feel guilty, I have a medical condition that means I sometimes can't drive for months at a time and, yes, it's a PITA but it doesn't make me entitled to lifts from other people. And, when I can drive, I 100% love the quiet time to myself Smile

simplekindoflife · 25/10/2019 08:40

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

What the hell...?? She has form for cheeky fuckery then!

I'd still give her a lift, if it suits you, but would insist you can't commit in advance as your plans often change and you don't want to be tied into any arrangement.

Then change your plans, often, so she gets the message!

Pinkyyy · 25/10/2019 08:42

Yeah she wouldn't pay me. She had a massive strop about petrol money with someone before. It even went to HR in the end

Obviously it's a bit late to say this now it's already happened, but this should have been enough to never let yourself get into this situation. Put a stop to it today before you end up in HR too.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/10/2019 08:43

If she does kick off and management get involved, be sure to check out the amount of mileage you can claim as you are now providing transportation for colleagues in your private vehicle. They should also consider supplying you with a vehicle for this purpose or if they refuse, you could ask them to send you on an advanced driving course. Your insurance will need to be looked at too as you're not just using your vehicle for your own purposes but theirs for work purposes. This thing could grow legs and run away with you.
The easiest thing to do (if she does kick off) is to approach your manager and say to them "I had no objection to the initial lift. I had no objection to a lift here and there when it suited me. When X has asked for my schedule a week ahead I have objections to that so I want you to inform her that she has to make her own way to and from work from now on as lifts in my vehicle are no longer an option".

BlaueLagune · 25/10/2019 08:46

How has one lift to the bus station become taking her to and from home?

How far is the bus station? Can't she walk?

And yes, the thing about the petrol money going to HR tells you all you need to know about her attitude.

ShitOnIt78 · 25/10/2019 08:47

You need to just say no. Don't give justifications or excuses, it just leaves her room to try and persuade you. Stick to "it doesnt work for me anymore I'm afraid, so I won't be continuing your lifts, hope you sort something else". When she asks why, repeat "it just doesnt work for me" or phrases along those lines and very quickly she will have to accept it as there is no where for her to go with it. Its called the "broken record" technique and it will help you to be more assertive. You can do it OP, she is a CF on a massive scale!

GU24Mum · 25/10/2019 08:48

You've got to nip it in the bud and speak to her. I know it's probably difficult but much better now than in a couple of months' time.

Just tell her that you can't commit to anything regular as you don't know what your plans are and you want to be able to change them if things change for you without having to take someone else into account. You could may be say that if you happen to be in the office and going her way you will let her know but that she shouldn't count on it =.

Serin · 25/10/2019 08:49

Mousetolioness has it.
5 words.
Learn them, practise them often.
"It doesn't work for me"
Someone gave me that advice years ago on MN and, as a natural people pleaser, it's become my little mantra.

diddl · 25/10/2019 08:50

Will her shifts be changed by management?

You have to say no because for one thing you want to & she's such a cf she'll be asking you just to "pop" here, there & everywhere!

The cheek of when you said no because of bf & she said yes you can because...

Fucking hell.

ShitOnIt78 · 25/10/2019 08:52

You could may be say that if you happen to be in the office and going her way you will let her know but that she shouldn't count on it no definitely don't say this. It just leaves her an "in" to try to persuade you with.

ControversialFerret · 25/10/2019 09:00

Don't apologise - you haven't done anything wrong.

One simple and straightforward text:

There's been some crossed wires - I offered you a lift as a one-off to help out because you were stuck a few weeks back. I'm not able to be your daily transport so you need to make other arrangements.

CharityDingle · 25/10/2019 09:02

I'm amazed at the things that HR apparently get involved in, in some companies.
Petrol money, lunch money on a recent thread...

MintyMabel · 25/10/2019 09:07

We work 3 varying shifts patterns and the other day she informed me she has asked management to change her shifts so she can be in the same as me so she can have a lift.

Amazing how often management are willing to rearrange shift patterns for people who want lifts from co-workers and yet often refuse to do so to accommodate parents childcare needs.

MutedUser · 25/10/2019 09:15

Does she pay you petrol money? She should.

Gardai · 25/10/2019 09:17

It’s amazing how much drama appears to develop from the inability to say no.
Just say no eh ?

LionKingLover · 25/10/2019 09:20

What a cf. Say it doesn't suit you. Stick to your guns or she will carry on.

LazyDaisey · 25/10/2019 09:28

“Claudia, giving you a lift to work isn’t working for me so today will be the last day.”

This is perfect. Your next reply to whatever she says is

I know you think I’m a pushover, but you need to drop this or it’s back to HR.

stucknoue · 25/10/2019 09:31

Just be honest, say you don't mind giving her a lift on an occasional basis but you are not going to extend your journey time to do it daily

Muddledfeelings · 25/10/2019 09:38

At first I thought there's no harm, it's a nice thing to do etc. But to request a schedule is an absolute piss take and I can understand your reluctance!

I'd literally just say "I don't mind giving you the odd lift but I don't want it to be become an arrangement where I have to let you know in advance what I'm doing for many reasons."

Chloe84 · 25/10/2019 09:38

What are you going to say tonight, OP?

FilledSoda · 25/10/2019 09:41

She's knows she's a cf, she doesn't give a shit . CFs don't adhere to normal social etiquette because they are shameless and that's why you mustn't feel awkward about just saying NO.
The thing about people pleasing is your affording the other person much more respect than you give yourself , and that's why it feels so bad.

hardyloveit · 25/10/2019 09:44

Can't you just say no?
"No I can't give you a lift anymore" if she asks why, you don't have to give a reason, it's your car and your choice.

Cantrememberpassword · 25/10/2019 09:45

Stop letting her take advantage of you , she is taking absolute libertys, you don’t need a reason, just say NO.

GaraMedouar · 25/10/2019 09:46

I like Controversialferret's text idea. Just do it OP. Say no.
To be honest if CF started putting the extra demands on me like this I'd be saying No in all circumstances, just out of principle. She's burned her bridges.