AIBU to have expected information from birth mother?

[FeetZelet]

Lurker & grateful beneficiary of advice, first time poster...

Looking for thoughts or experiences to help me understand the response I have received from my birth mother. Background - adopted at 8 weeks in 1970's, legally no access to identifying information from my adoption file but publicly available birth records & internet have led me to my birth mother & her family, they have some public profile. As was the norm, my father's name is not recorded on BC. It is on file but not available under data protection.

I am seeking genetic & medical information and wrote to a business address to seek to engage with BM 7 hopefully to progress to corresponding & exchange of info. My first very brief letter received no response for months so I wrote a second in which I asked for the name of my birth father and nothing else information wise. Gave some background info about my own life in the hope that this was a more human approach and that the details might have been of interest or of comfort but did not outright state she was my BM in case someone else read the letters.

Have now received a short reply, no name, no address included, some weeks later, stating that there was no information to be given and questioning my incorrect approach & the information I had illegally! I am shocked that a mother (she has multiple other children) could be so harsh and accusatory about something she knows to be true. I am also ashamed of having made contact after many decades to be rejected and made feel that I caused the problem. There is no possibility of mistaken i.d., also, some family members are physically very similar to me.

AIBU to expect that she should have replied to my first letter to state 'do not contact' me rather than risking a further approach? Also many months later, to basically tear me a new one for persisting? Feeling lost in this and would welcome other opinions.

@drabarni,

She was a right snotty nosed bitch and when dsis got i touch said she would inform solicitors if she contacted her again.

While I feel sorry for your sister, I don’t blame her birth mother at all. Your sister could have blown up her life with that stunt.

I’m an adoptee, And if any biological family ever pulled that shit with me I would also be threatening solicitors.

I was just thinking about this and about the “skeletons” that would be unearthed if my DS looked into the family tree and information wasn’t known.

From my dad’s side there was a maid who was part of his ancestry who had an affair and subsequent child with some member of the landed gentry. She kept the child but I imagine that those links are not unique and said “lord” probably fathered other children with other staff.

My aunt had a child when young who was raised by my Nan who adopted him. She had no intention of ever telling him, however parents being gossipy things someone must have talked in front of their child and he found out via the school playground that his mum wasn’t his mum.

Same grandmother also had an affair and one of her children was born as a result. Finding this out caused huge upset within the family as other siblings then started to wonder about their own heritage.

My grandfather on that side was a bit of a bastard who came and went at will, so likely also has children to other women.

On my mum’s side of the family her mum was one of fourteen children, and apparently she had a sister who fell pregnant as a teen and was sent off to a home never to be seen or heard of again. My mum only found out of her existence when she was about 30 and my Nan and great aunt were musing about her...

On my DS’ dad’s side there is a great aunt who had a child by a married man. And those are just the ones we know about.

Two of my aunts have various children by men who are not their husbands and who are not in the picture at all, so there’s a high chance that they also have siblings they don’t know about.

And this is just what we know from the past. There is bound to be stuff that we don’t.

So, while women were told way back that their confidentiality would be protected, this notion has now been romanticised, as with services such as ancestry this can no longer be guaranteed.

YANBU it is not too much to expect basic information. I feel very sorry for you and your situation :(

It may just be that your BM has shut down and boxed up that part of her life and doesn’t have the capacity to deal with it anymore. You couldn’t have known that prior to contacting her but sadly you may have to accept it now

Agree

YANBU.

YAN alone though, sadly. Rejection by BMs is very common. Both women I know who had babies adopted (unwed, Catholic, the 60s) were horrified when middle-aged DDs rolled up on the doorstep.

All that happened was a very awkward cup of tea. Neither of the DDs was exactly welcomed, to put it mildly. The DHs involved - both women had been married for over 30 years - didn't know, and one DH didn't take it very well, at a time when the marriage was already bad.

Both DDs crept away never to be seen again. Awful for them. I can't imagine anything more difficult for you .

@EdersonsSmileyTattoo

Oh

I hope you can live wish your decision and do not spend decades subsequently regretting it

Poor bio mother

I read this with interest. b/c of DNA tests on Ancestry.com, I found a 72yo unexpected half-uncle. Eventually I made contact with UU's step-daughter.

UU is an "ultra-private" person who will reveal nothing about himself. He has asked no questions. I told the step-D a bit about us relatives, including that there was no unusual medical history. I keep wondering whether to share more about us, but UU is showing no interest in his 6 bio siblings & dozens of other blood relatives. One of my aunts just had a cancer diagnosis: would UU care? I guess not.

I told my dad who told his brother about UU... we don't know whether to tell others. Probably not since UU wants to share nothing with us. I could maybe track down UU's bio-dad if UU wanted me to try.. but UU hasn't engaged. Hasn't deleted his ancestry.com account either, though, which I said to stepD would be his best way to prevent unwanted future contacts. People are strange.

LovePuppy

Well she should have been nice then. Dsis contacted her via letter in code first, then got a threatening letter.
All she had to do was answer a letter, could have gone through her solicitor.
Dsis only wanted to know her father name and any medical issues. She wasn't expecting Ma Walton.

If she has a public profile and you were born as the result of rape/ insect/ affair she could be absolutely terrified, especially as you have traced her using non orthodox methods. You also sounded a bit cold wanting medical genetic info

Facebook and ancestry have already blown up most of today's closed adoptions.

If you think not knowing birth parents is messy, just wait until a 10-yr-old gets a whatsapp they weren't expecting...

Very sorry to hear your story OP. As others have said, you don't know what happened in your BM's life to make her react that way.

I got pregnant as a teen in a really abusive and dangerous situation. I do think of my baby often (she'd be an adult now) but I don't know what I'd do if she contacted me, or what I could tell her. Her bio dad was a violent rapist who tried to kill me shortly after she was born and left me with permanent neurological damage. I was unwell for a long time afterwards and massively traumatised. It took me decades to be ok with what I'd done, and be at peace with having given her the chance of a life outside of that and let go. I don't know if I could open that box again and stay sane/alive. I don't know what happened with her, but maybe she just doesn't have the capacity to give. Maybe she feels like not telling you the story is something she can give.

Very sorry to all the adoptees on here who feel so angry and lost.

My friend was promised by a priest and the agency that her privacy would be preserved. She is not being unreasonable in expecting promises made to be kept.

Actually yes she is. Her baby wasn't a party to this contract and that baby has rights too. And your friend needs to realise that dna/ancstory sites will blow her privacy anyway.

Ollie I'm sorry for what happened to you. And I hope your daughter will not look for you, is happy and you can remain in peace.

But if your child ever came looking my guess is she'd rather the truth than another rejection. People deal far better with the truth than lies or denial (and adoption was absolutely about lies and denial). For yourself, if you feel you daughter coming back might trigger you very badly then maybe you need to try to deal with this now through counselling. And I say this because the dna shit storm that is now going down with everyone having dna testing as christmas presents (and as an adopted person I would NEVER do this) means you may be identified.

You also sounded a bit cold wanting medical genetic info

I take it you are a person who is the child of your parents and have never had to sit through multiple medical form fillings where you say
Don't know
Don't know
Don't know

YOU sound cold tbh.

She may not know who the father was - they could have had a one night stand and didn't exchange names . Or she could have become pregnant through rape or other abuse. You can't assume that she would have had had a normal romantic relationship. So don't judge her because she doesn't want to tell you - if she doesn't know.

Well she should have been nice then. Dsis contacted her via letter in code first, then got a threatening letter.

Your sisters biological mother doesn’t owe her contact. I’m sure it would be kind, but she doesn’t owe someone asking for her personal information “niceness”. She didn’t want to be in contact so sister posted in the newspaper?!

No wonder so many birth mothers fear being found out.

What a nasty attitude

Your sisters biological mother doesn’t owe her contact.

Actually she does. She is the mother of this woman and owes her a bare minimum of acknowledgement. You can certaintly see from this statement, though, why adopted adults feel so abandoned.

Birth mothers fear being "found out" - also known as their children wanting them to recognise them as their mother - because they were sold a bill of goods back in the day - you give up your child and you will never be troubled again. no, the "priests" couldn't actually guarantee that. I feel for those women (although there are probably far more of them hoping to hear from their children than those fearing to hear from their children) because that empty, dishonest promise is worth nothing.

that isn't an enforceable contract. It was promised by venal and dishonest people. And the baby had no voice in any of it.

And anyway the new dna shit that is going on is going to blow this out of the water anyway.

@MyMommyYourMommy

You have a very narrow, old fashioned view of adoption which seems to be informed by your husband’s experience of adoption and films /books set in the 60s.
Adoption is very different now so before spouting things like ‘it’s a crazy idea’, maybe speak to kids or young adults who have been removed from abusive households and raised in families who can provide things that birth family can’t. Most people now know that they’re adopted, are often able to stay in contact with birth families where practical. The fundamental difference that I see now is that the child is the priority not the adults.

OP, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I can’t imagine how it feels, but I do want to say that you come across in your posts as do understanding and generous. I think many could learn from you.

Is is possible that your BM didn’t consent to the sex that lead to your conception?

Grabbing at straws for the cold response and do know someone who got pg in those circumstances

@Olliephaunt4eyes
I am sorry this horrendous thing happened to you. Without doubt you made the best decision for you child and showed great strength to do that in such circumstances If your DD is human she will immediately understand that should she ever know your story. I hope you have peace.

pallisers you have miss understood what I meant

I have sat through my child’s long medical meetings answering “don’t know”
I understand the op need to know these things I just felt her opening approach ( appeared) to lack sensitivity to the complexity of the situation

I'm in a weird situation with my adopted son because I know exactly why his mother did what she did because she is a relative of my husband so we know much more than someone without that connection to the BM would know. However, it isn't our story to tell and she has stated that she doesn't want him to know. She didn't even want him to know he is adopted but of course he has to know.

We are unsure where we stand legally on that as his adoptive parents. Another family member could tell him everything but can we? Rhetorical question I'm not expecting answers. Just sympathising with the struggle.

The thing is is that the truth however painful is what sets us all free.
People can accept the truth. It’s the lies that cause the damage.

when she didn't want to know put a note in the local paper asking for her bm to contact etc. So, her little secret was out grin
That made me feel sick. Especially with the grin. What a dreadful thing to do.

I am really sorry for your experience OP. I am a BM. Albeit a modern one so all my life and history is recorded for my children to find when there old enough.

I felt compelled to write as the suggestion of turning up at her doorstep came up and I wanted to beg you to not do this. It would be incredibly traumatising for the both of you if you didn't get the reaction you wanted. I am not sure how I would react if my BC turned up at my door, uninvited and unannounced and I love my children more than anything else and miss them greatly.

I understand your hurting and feel rejected I really do but, there is a chance she is too afraid to tell you that information or that she has blocked one reason or another.

I hope you get your answers one day.

@Aridane

I won’t. I didn’t take this decision lightly. My priority is to protect myself (exactly as she has done three times).

It is sad that she’s terminally ill, however, I don’t know her, I have no feelings for her and I totally get that she’s probably trying to make her peace, but where does that leave me when she’s gone? What if I still have more questions, she won’t be around to answer them and the genie is out of the bottle then.