AIBU to have expected information from birth mother?

[FeetZelet]

Lurker & grateful beneficiary of advice, first time poster...

Looking for thoughts or experiences to help me understand the response I have received from my birth mother. Background - adopted at 8 weeks in 1970's, legally no access to identifying information from my adoption file but publicly available birth records & internet have led me to my birth mother & her family, they have some public profile. As was the norm, my father's name is not recorded on BC. It is on file but not available under data protection.

I am seeking genetic & medical information and wrote to a business address to seek to engage with BM 7 hopefully to progress to corresponding & exchange of info. My first very brief letter received no response for months so I wrote a second in which I asked for the name of my birth father and nothing else information wise. Gave some background info about my own life in the hope that this was a more human approach and that the details might have been of interest or of comfort but did not outright state she was my BM in case someone else read the letters.

Have now received a short reply, no name, no address included, some weeks later, stating that there was no information to be given and questioning my incorrect approach & the information I had illegally! I am shocked that a mother (she has multiple other children) could be so harsh and accusatory about something she knows to be true. I am also ashamed of having made contact after many decades to be rejected and made feel that I caused the problem. There is no possibility of mistaken i.d., also, some family members are physically very similar to me.

AIBU to expect that she should have replied to my first letter to state 'do not contact' me rather than risking a further approach? Also many months later, to basically tear me a new one for persisting? Feeling lost in this and would welcome other opinions.

@DriftingLeaves, in the OP’s mother’s case, abortion in 1970s Ireland was not an option, and she would have needed knowledge, connections, money and the ability to travel to the UK to terminate. It can hardly be considered a free choice.

In fact, given the circumstances in 1970s Ireland, we can’t assume anything. Girls and women were still being committed by their families to mother and baby homes and Magdalene laundries where they were used as free labour, and sometimes they were coerced into signing adoption papers. Philomena Lee (whose story was filmed with Judi Dench and Steve Coogan) was a generation earlier, and the film The Magdalene Sisters is set in the mid-60s, but not all that much had changed in the treatment of women with unplanned or inconvenient pregnancies.

The OP has my utter, utter sympathy and admiration for the grace and guts with which she is dealing with the situation, but pointing fingers at her birth mother (which the OP is being very gracious about not doing) is unfair. We can have no idea about the real circumstances of the pregnancy and adoption. Which is of course what hurts the OP. But there are some ugly stories out there.

I know someone who found out that the woman she’d grown up thinking of as her mother was in fact her grandmother, and her eldest ‘sister’ was her mother. Which was quite enough of a shock, but she found out many years later still that she was the product of incest.

It isn't patronising in the least to stand up for the rights of women to keep private what they choose to keep private.

If a woman refuses to disclose information nothing and nobody can make her.

My friend was promised by a priest and the agency that her privacy would be preserved. She is not being unreasonable in expecting promises made to be kept.

If her child chooses to wreck her life it will serve no purpose. She will not disclose the name of the father or have any communication with the child. She has excellent reasons for maintaining this privacy.

OP I don't think you were unreasonable. It may be an idea to leave it with your BM for the time being. I agree re the DNA & Ancestry, but note it can take time when you have limited information. Also a note of caution.

I took out an account as my DM wanted to know what happened to her sister. We knew she existed as my Grandfather had a very public affair 😱. We didn't have her birth mothers name, we didn't have her name, we knew roughly when she was born but we were not sure where, we didn't know if she had been adopted or was even alive. We were not in contact with my Grandfathers family, he died very young in the end in the 1950s.

It took a considerable number of years, with extensive research as well as utilising DNA connections. Eventually we found an entire side of the family we knew nothing about. We also found more siblings that we knew nothing about, born in another country....I'll be completely honest it was one hell of a shock, and knocked us a bit sideways especially as they all knew about my DM and all wanted to meet her there and then.

They are wonderful people, and the similarities are uncanny. Now I've met them and got to know them a bit, I am loving having them in our lives... but to be completely truthful I freaked, we all freaked when we found out how many of them there were.

I've just found another sibling as well, can of worms via ancestry... once the gene is out you can not take it back.

Ps I've not told my DPs re the other one, as some confirmation needs to be done and I'm honestly not sure they can handle it. But what I will do is give this relative all the information they ask for, All the photos and records I have managed to source from around the globe. I'm waiting for them to ask, as they may not want it, but it is there waiting for them.

drifting
Lets hope the adopted person feels the same way, and doesn't feel the need to know.
If she has children I'd advise telling them.

I posted my husband's story on page 1. A post from further along the thread resonated:

Those women who were promised confidentiality are entitled to have that respected. Women giving up babies today know they may be traced, back then they were promised it wouldn't happen

This was my DH's mothers explanation (she too wrote about "the knock on the door" and while he is empathetic towards her (just wanted acknowledgement one to one/information) we come from a different generation and while we can understand our parents came from a different time they should understand that we do too, one that we are currently living in.

My husband has, of course, considered that the circumstances of his conception may not have been ideal but, in the worst of cases, that is no more his fault than his mothers. But he doesn't even know! The only thing he does know is that he was born in 1960's Ireland which was not a hospitable place for unwed mothers. His lack of information allows him to imagine the worst as well as the best; but his mothers attitude towards him encourages him to assume the worst.

There are two very sensitive sides to these stories. One does not trump the other. I am firmly convinced (from my husband's experience) that adoption is a crazy idea.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to know about your birth mother/father and I'm genuinely sorry for you that you can't access that information I truly believe you should be able to see your file but sadly that's of no consequence because it isn't allowed.

As for your mother, although her response (or lack thereof) comes across as harsh, I wonder whether she is very shocked to have heard from you and has gone into panic. Maybe her circumstances were similar to those of Philomena Lee and she is really traumatised. Her family probably have no clue about you and she is probably terrified of them finding out.

There is no easy answer in all of this but I hope you manage to find some peace with it.

@TeddyToaster ---- 👏🏻 I'm glad you said that, I thought it was pretty mean of Leaannb too. Op is going through a really bad time and doesn't deserve that.

What do you mean by ‘adoption is a crazy idea’, @MyMommyYourMommy?

"Those women who were promised confidentiality are entitled to have that respected. Women giving up babies today know they may be traced, back then they were promised it wouldn't happen"

Human Rights don't kick in after a certain time, that wouldn't be fair to the child "oh sorry no article 8 doesn't apply to you because you were born before 1998" it's about the child, not the mother, in this context, we as humans have a right to know our parentage for sound psychological reasons and yes that trumps any non legally binding confidentially promised to mothers. I feel the upmost sympathy for all involved but these fundamental rights were created for a reason.

@DriftingLeaves it is patronising to suggest that the child in this scenario owes that woman some kind of debt of gratitude for giving her the “gift” of life.

And unfortunately due to modern means those promises of anonymity can no longer be upheld.

No the mother doesn’t owe it to the OP to give her details or to have a relationship with her, but the reality is that if she refuses, and all the OP (or any other child in this scenario) wanted was a name for closure purposes she might instead choose to take her search to ancestry and social media and this could open a much bigger can of worms than the mother was expecting.

If she’s withheld the information from her subsequent children then there is a real risk they could find out via other means. People in these situations no longer have control of that. That is just modern technology, and while it may seem unfair to those who were promised anonymity in the 60’s/70’s, it is what it is, and no-one has the ability to control it.

People need to be aware that if they gave up a child for adoption back then and never told anyone, that information is likely to come out, and their subsequent children may have questions, or even level accusations against them when they find out they have half (or even full) siblings they didn’t know about.

Have to agree with the above. I have had so many shocks along the way, and probably more to come.
If you are adopted and doing DNA? Ancestry or one of the other sites you may need support.
My dh isn't the slightest bit interested in DNA or ancestors, but bless him he's such a support to me.
If you do get involved I'd advise going back as far as you can to begin with and then come forward iyswim. So I have some from 6 generations ago but not up to date with all the younger ones as that's where I know the agro will be. I leave these well alone.

FeetZelot I really feel for you, so many complex emotions. None of this is your fault, be kind to yourself.

Some of the posts on here are so harsh, but these posters will have no idea how hard it is to manage emotions when adopted.
Hard to accept being rejected as a baby and then being rejected once again. The BM could have been kinder imo.

Hey OP, I don't really have any advice and I don't think either party has been unreasonable.

I'm also from the island of Ireland, and understand how different the system is to mainland Britain mainly due to how closely church and state where linked.

I've 2 great aunts either side of my family tree who where forced to give up their children in the 50s/60s.

One of them married a much older man (not the BF) who she didn't love, on her 18th birthday just "to gain some respectability", she then she went straight to the house of the relatives who had guardianship of the baby and since she was now married was allowed to take her back.

She became a successful seamstress and supported herself and her daughter, her husband turned out to be an abusive philander. She never forgave her parents for not supporting her or giving the baby away and she refused point blank to talk about the BF the general understanding was "something terrible had happened to her"

I suppose I just wanted to say, it really was different time back then, and I'm sorry that this has happened to you xo

Alternative

I got a pm on ancestry from a niece, (didn't know she was at the time) asking who I was as she knew all the family and my bm only had two dc.
Her mum knew, so no surprise to her, but it so well could have been.
I'm still getting people ask now, I tell the truth. My bm is dead now but i have her siblings, my aunts and uncles telling the younger ones to force me off sm, honestly. Thankfully they are having none of it and are lovely.

Thing is, ancestry may not even be about wanting to trace birth parents or similar. It could simply be an innocent delve into the family tree which then uncovers this information.

It often happens on here that people talk of tracing the family tree purely for curiosity purposes, and people recommend going to ancestry to see what they can find on there.

I imagine an awful lot of discoveries of half siblings and estranged fathers are found off the back of those initially innocent searches.

I absolutely accept that some BM might have had a terrible experience, does this mean they can't show any compassion/brief kindness for their adopted child?
I don't mean to sounds accusing, genuinely interested.

What a painful situation for you, I am so sorry.
Technically, yes you are unreasonable, you have no right to this information but I think it could have been delivered in a much kinder way. While it is probably painful for her, you are also experiencing your own kind of pain. It may be different pain but it’s no less valid.
I’d hope someone would morally, want to help, even a simple “your biological maternal grandmother had X“. Then again, we don’t know what she has suffered, so it’s hard. I wouldn’t want to judge. It’s a very difficult situation all around.

for you

I've been in your shoes, I don't have the time to reply at length just now but you are not alone. Don't take anything from anyone here trying to give you advice unless they've been directly involved as an adoptee, birth parent or adopter.

@bastardchild - that's a bit condescending. Just because I've not been directly involved with an adoption, it doesn't mean that I don't understand issues around abandonment and lack of knowledge about my own DNA. Please don't be so narrow in your view that these issues are around adoptees only. X

Thank you all again for your kind comments, it has been so touching to read them and of the personal experiences which validate so much of what I feel as an adopted person.

To all the posters who have or are living this, we are not alone for sure. I am particularly holding onto the comments that it is never the child’s fault.

There’s no accounting for how a BM could react, notwithstanding their trauma I hoped that the minimum of non personal or circumstantial information could be given. I will pursue the DNA approach & whatever that opens up. Ironically any skeletons could be exposed inadvertently that 50 year old promises could not have envisaged.

I had been advised by the agency that it would take a court order to compel them to release names to adoptees without written consent from all parties (!) & they hadn’t had one to date.

Brackish as in the rest of my post: woman gets preganant through traumatic circumstances or suffers traumatic circumstances subsequently. Has baby, doesn't want anything to do with baby and/or mother nature maternal instincts kick in but are denied, suppressed or don't exist. or she is utterly heartbroken and bereft at having to be separated from her baby (this being the one we mostly imagine, thanks film industry) but has to cope and get on.

On the other hand you have babies growing up who realise they don't look like or act like their parents and siblings. They are curious. Watch programmes on adoption and read books about same or watch "The Magdalene sisters" and believe that while they may feel like a square peg in a round hole, someone out there is dying to meet them, see them, tell them they've thought about them/you look just like great Aunt Agatha/you're an artist because your grandfather is/whatever. Someone will them an anchor they have felt is lacking in their lives.

But that is not how it happens. See rest of thread for evidence. So: crazy idea.

You totally invaded her privacy. Whilst the birth records are online, that doesn't mean you have to go searching for her via the internet or social media sites.

Seriously?! As if you could know your BM was out there and not look. We’re all human!

What a shitty shitty thing to happen
I am sorry OP . As everyone has said she might be not right , she might be a plain bad person. Beat you didn’t have to grow up with her

Very upsetting and nothing you can do but move on and heal

Really hope you can move on

There's a lot of talk of choice being thrown around. It takes a lot of choices to be made to become pregnant and have a child and give it up for adoption. Some choices may be coerced or forced, some may not have been. However, there's always a choice to be made which you (if you are a birth mother that gave a child up for adoption) are responsible for and that is to not be nasty or abrupt to the person that had zero choices. In an extreme case, she could have made off while pregnant and sought refuge somewhere or stood her ground that she was willing to be a single unmarried mother and bore the consequences. So for someone that likely had at least a slight say or a choice (rape aside) to be rude and nasty to the person that had no choice is the bit that doesn't sit well with me.

I hope you get what you need OP. I feel for you, it's not easy

This is so different from my experience OP.
I found a family finding unit right on my doorstep near where we moved and rented 30 years ago. What a huge coincidence.
They had very little experience and imo without my dh support I'd have caved.
They told me that at least she'd be alive if found. Wrong.
Doesn't sound much, but hard when you get the call to go and see them.
I knew as soon as they called, just had a feeling.
I have got my records though.
A warning about those too, they are horrible things.
I know they gave me Cow and Gate though. Paid for by the Moral Welfare Adoption Society. I came with bills, £1 for each court hearing of which my adoptive parents had many, they were saints and couldn't have asked for better parents. I miss them so much.
Moral, illegitimate, familiar words but personal.
OP, you are not alone, if you are refused the answers, then you have no choice but to find them yourself.
Thinking of you and will help if I can.