AIBU to have expected information from birth mother?

[FeetZelet]

Lurker & grateful beneficiary of advice, first time poster...

Looking for thoughts or experiences to help me understand the response I have received from my birth mother. Background - adopted at 8 weeks in 1970's, legally no access to identifying information from my adoption file but publicly available birth records & internet have led me to my birth mother & her family, they have some public profile. As was the norm, my father's name is not recorded on BC. It is on file but not available under data protection.

I am seeking genetic & medical information and wrote to a business address to seek to engage with BM 7 hopefully to progress to corresponding & exchange of info. My first very brief letter received no response for months so I wrote a second in which I asked for the name of my birth father and nothing else information wise. Gave some background info about my own life in the hope that this was a more human approach and that the details might have been of interest or of comfort but did not outright state she was my BM in case someone else read the letters.

Have now received a short reply, no name, no address included, some weeks later, stating that there was no information to be given and questioning my incorrect approach & the information I had illegally! I am shocked that a mother (she has multiple other children) could be so harsh and accusatory about something she knows to be true. I am also ashamed of having made contact after many decades to be rejected and made feel that I caused the problem. There is no possibility of mistaken i.d., also, some family members are physically very similar to me.

AIBU to expect that she should have replied to my first letter to state 'do not contact' me rather than risking a further approach? Also many months later, to basically tear me a new one for persisting? Feeling lost in this and would welcome other opinions.

That’s understandable @EdersonsSmileyTattoo which is why I’m egging you on to just hear her out and allow her to answer your questions as it doesn’t sound like you have enough time to get yourself out of defence mode and then deal with it afterwards.

Definitely sounds like one of those jump in, get your answers then reflect sort of scenarios. You’re completely entitled to not want a relationship with her.

I heard back from my mums birth mum and gave her some photos and haven’t heard back since- it’s always a bit of a tricky one this isn’t it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I’m sure they’ll be tonnes of handholds from people on this thread alone!

My DP was removed from his parents due to serious abuse and grew up in long term foster care. He has recently found out through access to his files that his father in fact fathered at least two more children who were older than him but who were placed for adoption.

In his situation it is slightly different because his parents were both abusive arseholes for whom hell is too good a place. But I imagine it would still have come hard if either of these siblings had contacted him out of the blue, or if he had in fact grown up with his parents and had found out he had siblings who were adopted, as has happened with younger half siblings who his mother was allowed to keep.

Op, get yourself on ancestry, you could have half a family in a few hours
You don't even have to join and pay to get your results. You do need to buy a test though.
My ds2 did this just so I could tell some differences with him and dh, rather than just my maternal side.
My tree is funny though because it's only one side, so 50% of my DNA (fathers side) is unknown/unrecorded atm.

Hell, if you pm the name I'll do it for you

Are you sure it is data protection stopping you getting your dad's data? You can challenge that, the Human Rights Act trumps data protection, quote the right to family life, you have a right to know your parentage, it trumps your dad's right to privacy. I've had to release court information that would ordinarily be closed due to DP due to a person's right to know who her father was. You may have to challenge it though.

Your story is almost mine, except I never managed to find my birth mother to make an attempt at a connection. And I have had several friends whose reunions with birth parents were not the stuff of dreams.

NZ in the 70's had closed adoptions. I have the name of my birth mother and a couple of random hobby details. No info on my birth father other than that he was married with 3 sons.
I was able to find out that my birth mother had married later, and moved to Australia, and that she was from the UK , Newcastle-on-Tyne with a grandfather who had been a concert pianist. The family name was Dodd. That's all I have.

I was raised an only child, and have 3 half brothers somewhere in the world. This makes me a mixture of angry at missing out on siblings, sad she felt she couldn't keep me - she was 42 at the time, and I feel I would be selfish enough to want to magically appear on the scene some forty years later. ( even though part of me does want to do this).
I think my oldest DS will unravel it all though one day, and I will support him in doing that.
For me, the lack of info in the name of privacy had a similar catch.

I have an inheritable genetic condition. With no familial medical records. Which made finding a diagnosis take much, much longer than it should. Details like that should be able to be supplied , possibly through a third-party agency, but should absolutely be available and even updated , in some way for an adopted person to be able to access.

How do you do this @Drabarni? How much is the test?

@EdersonsSmileyTattoo your situation is so difficult. I do want to acknowledge your pain from your BM's rejection.

If her time is now short she is perhaps full of regret. Whilst not advocating dropping your self protective barriers could you consider using this to get what you want without it being revenge? I hope it works out for you in the long term.

Her rights trump his every time in these circumstances.

I disagree. It is a fundamental human right to know your parentage and that trumps the right not to be reminded of a rape or traumatic birth. The adopted child was not a party to the agreement made on adoption. The child got no say in whether there should be complete secrecy or not. I feel very sorry for women in these positions and I agree with OP that the parent has a right to refuse a relationship. But an acknowledgement of parentage and some basic medical information is the least that is required. The entire adoption industry in Ireland was abusive and wrong and while I have every pity for women who were told they could forget about their babies and would never be contacted again, that was a promise that should never have been made and is now impossible to keep.

I am adopted (birth mother found me eventually - I would not have looked). I know I have 3 half siblings who probably don't know about me. I would never put my dna into ancestry.com for this and other reasons. Some day one of my children may do so and someone is going to discover that their father had another child he forgot to tell them about.

However I think that keeping that secret and never telling others including subsequent children about it is morally reprehensible.

And one of the subsequent children, I disagree wholeheartedly.

My mother was raped, not her choice, didn't have access to an abortion, not her choice, was pressured to adopt the baby, not her choice, moved away, not her choice.

Her only choice was not to tell us, my DFather was aware. When the daughter showed up, also not her choice, she did tell us and she did meet with her. But I would have been totally understanding if she hadn't. I mean what was her choice there? To tell the woman she was the unwanted product of trauma, not to meet her at all, or to lie. And you think if she'd made one of those three shit choices, she's morally reprehensible? Bloody hell.

MrsNeilGaiman the choice to not tell subsequent children is the reprehensible bit.

In your situation you were understanding that she had made that choice, but not everyone would be. And those choices weren’t always made with a backdrop of rape or abuse.

Yes it’s hard. But as I’ve said before, modern technology now means that those choices may be taken from those who chose not to tell their other children that they have a sibling, and as such it is ill-advised to withhold this information now.

I appreciate that back in the day it wasn’t that easy to trace other family members, but now it is,and the women who gave up those babies have to face that or risk alienation by their other children.

My sister wasn’t the product of rape.

It was completely her choice to have the baby adopted, she had another option she chose not to take.
That decision has affected quite a few people’s lives, and not in a good way.

MrsNeilGaiman the choice to not tell subsequent children is the reprehensible bit.

I would argue that in the whole sorry mess of my mother's case that was the least reprehensible bit.

Her rights trump his every time in these circumstances.

What - her right to lie is more important than her child's right to know the truth?

I disagree completely.

Whilst obviously a BM can refuse to give information to an adopted child, I think it is extremely selfish. No matter what the reason for the adoption. It is not the child's fault they were born. All it would have taken is (in the OPs case) for the BM to say "I'm sorry, it was a long time ago and is something we never wanted to have to revisit. There are no medical issues in your mother's family. Your father is diabetic. I am afraid he does not want his name to be known to you. I wish you all the best in your life."

You're all so sure.

So which is better: to lie, to not say anything or to tell someone their father is a rapist? Because I think they are all equally awful so the mother should pick the one she feels is best.

In the OP's case we don't know. But I'm willing to bet a lot of adopted children are the product of trauma. And they would all like a happier story than that.

Jellybean

The test does vary, they quite often have offers on.
I am a paid member, have been for reasons of adoption. I just wanted to be able to pass on some root info to my dc, as my birth family hadn't wanted to know. I met a niece on here and she got me in touch with the family.
I know that's not what you asked

I took the test and linked to my tree, so I can get tons of info.
But if you just want to take the DNA test and get your results you can do this.
Or you can have a free subscription for a month, go mad staying up till 3am going through records, building a tree, linking your DNA and then just leave after the free month.
Membership is about £100 per year, it's my present of the family for being adopted To find my bf.

I'm sad at the lack of empathy for mothers from some on this thread.

However, much as some posters feel they should be, the birth mothers cannot be forced to divulge any information they choose to keep private. They cannot be forced to reveal the name of the father - in some cases they may not know. They cannot be forced into communicating with the children they gave up.

Some will not have told their partners or children about the child given up. Why wreck their lives? They chose adoption when they could have chosen abortion. They have given the gift of life. If that's all they want to give their choice should be respected.

We simply don’t know what the circumstances are. But the most important thing is that it’s never the baby’s fault. It’s not their fault.
Knowing who you are is key to self esteem. I would say that every body had a right to know who their parents are.

My mother was not possessed of huge amounts of empathy.

It’s natural that you do want some kind of acknowledgement from your birth mother, but she may not want a relationship with you, especially if it was a hard time in her life, it’s a reminder of what she went through. I’m sorry that you have had to find out the hard way, but I think it’s going to be best for you to let go and concentrate on having a brilliant future. Xx

Ah OP, I have known my mother for 59.5 years. I had every material thing as a child. I was born in 1960. My mother told me she went to the abortionist but was too scared to go through with it. She told me
from much earlier that I ruined her life.

Your BM had more choices. She allowed you to live.

I hope you haď good adoptive parents. I agree with Larkin. I hope I haven't fucked up my dc. I recall being very distraught when a gp said after my first mc "oh, did you want it?"

Oakmaiden
It is not the child's fault they were born

That letter would be spot on, in fact it should be used by agencies, that everybody should be able to access, and used as a template.
The authorities were quick enough with the template for the poor women forced to give up their children. "I want to place my child xx for adoption as I cannot provide a home." Mine is word for word.

You are a lovely person.

OP you YANBU at all for seeking answers. You have done nothing wrong. As other posters have said, there may be genuine and complicated reasons for your birth mother’s response, but that doesn’t make it less hurtful. 💐Sending you hugs as anyone would find this a very sad situation.

No sorry but these children owe the women nothing just because they have “given the gift of life.” How incredibly patronising.

These children have a fundamental right to know about their heritage. No the women who gave them up don’t have an obligation to have a relationship with them, but if you choose not to tell your subsequent children that you had a child who you placed for adoption, then you alone are responsible for the backlash you may receive from those subsequent children when they too find out that their life was a lie, that the “only” child wasn’t an only after all, that the “eldest child” was actually the second born etc.

It is incredibly naive to think that keeping this information a secret wouldn’t have potentially detrimental consequences further down the line.

Even on here you get posters who had children by other fathers and who have never told those children that the man they thought was their father actually isn’t. And the response is always that the child deserves to know the truth, even in cases of severe abuse.