AIBU to have expected information from birth mother?

[FeetZelet]

Lurker & grateful beneficiary of advice, first time poster...

Looking for thoughts or experiences to help me understand the response I have received from my birth mother. Background - adopted at 8 weeks in 1970's, legally no access to identifying information from my adoption file but publicly available birth records & internet have led me to my birth mother & her family, they have some public profile. As was the norm, my father's name is not recorded on BC. It is on file but not available under data protection.

I am seeking genetic & medical information and wrote to a business address to seek to engage with BM 7 hopefully to progress to corresponding & exchange of info. My first very brief letter received no response for months so I wrote a second in which I asked for the name of my birth father and nothing else information wise. Gave some background info about my own life in the hope that this was a more human approach and that the details might have been of interest or of comfort but did not outright state she was my BM in case someone else read the letters.

Have now received a short reply, no name, no address included, some weeks later, stating that there was no information to be given and questioning my incorrect approach & the information I had illegally! I am shocked that a mother (she has multiple other children) could be so harsh and accusatory about something she knows to be true. I am also ashamed of having made contact after many decades to be rejected and made feel that I caused the problem. There is no possibility of mistaken i.d., also, some family members are physically very similar to me.

AIBU to expect that she should have replied to my first letter to state 'do not contact' me rather than risking a further approach? Also many months later, to basically tear me a new one for persisting? Feeling lost in this and would welcome other opinions.

she may have been ignoring it in the hope you wouldn't contact her again.

Very sorry, but i think you may have to accept, no matter how hard it is, that your birth mother really doesn't want to have contact. There are many reasons why that may be. I know it seems like a shit situation, it actually is a shit situation for you, but it might possibly be even shittier for her.

Sorry.

Is it possible that someone else wrote the letter do you think. There's no name or address - perhaps her husband or someone else wrote the reply. She could be in an abusive relationship and all her post might be read by a husband or boyfriend.

She might be ashamed and lashing out in a misplaced defensive reaction.

Unfortunately she might also be an arsehole...

Sadly being a mother doesn't make her a responsible, clear thinking, emphatic human being with healthy relationships.

sorry

Uea...I the UABU.No response is a.response. You are not entitled to.any information regarflding her,your birth father or anyrhing else. Im.sorry you had to go throigh that

Sadly, I think you are being very unreasonable. I'm sorry this has been such a painful experience for you.

You aren’t being unreasonable to want to know about your biological parents 🤨 it’s a natural reaction. Sadly tho you clearly won’t get a response. My mother is adopted and when she approached her birth mother was called a liar. There was no mistake, she just wanted to erasure my mother from her history. Sorry you’ve gone thru this and that people are twatty

Thank you for the replies and empathy, I did try to be sensitive to her no doubt major trauma and probable PTSD but yes, I should now accept I have no right to direct information. I had hoped that all those positive stories of contact could apply to me.

I had not considered that the response could have been written by someone else, good point Anothernotherone.

Sorry but she decided to give you up because she didn't want/couldn't have you in her life. That is still clearly the case that she wants no contact with you.

I'd suggest you speak to a counsellor as this rejection (again) might be very hard to process.

I do not believe you are being unreasonable at all. Your birth mother absolutely has the right to decide to have no contact with you of course but I think ultimately it is incredibly selfish not to at least point you in the right direction in respect of the identity of your birth father.

I have no doubt she may have her reasons, possible abuse, etc but that happened to her, not to you and you deserve an answer, even if the answer is merely to tell you the reason(s) why she won't reveal his identity.

I have a friend and your situation is very similar to hers, she traced her birth mother who had other children but she had no interest in my friend and had no inclination to at least tell her why.

Women can choose to put their child up for adoption and I don't judge anyone who makes that choice but I do judge when later on they are unwilling to show some small degree of compassion. You have a right to know something of the people who conceived you and that's the bottom line in my opinion.

I don't have any real advice, my heart goes out to you though.

You are not unreasonable and until you are caught up in a scenario where you or someone close to you is the adoptee people haven't a clue what it's like. Did you write to her work address - when you say business address, does she own the business? Are you in U.K. or Ireland - I thought in U.K. you had access to your file once younturn 18 whereas in Ireland you get damn all information. That bullshit about illegally obtaining information annoyed me. You are of course entitled to look for them. Birth records are public documents and if you were lucky to find your original birth Cert and then find her info it's certainly not illegal. If I were you at this point I would do an ancestry DNA test which will possibly match you to paternal relatives. My husband was matched to very close relatives. I'm sorry you have had such a shit response but it may not have been from her at all.

Oh gosh I can only imagune how hurtful this is so my heart goes out to you.

But from a completely detached, objective view point I can't call the woman unreasonable.

I don't have personal experience but I know that there are trained intermediaries who can act on the adoptees behalf.

I can imagine a birth mother might respond to a neutral person less emotionally. And although I can't know if you would have more response at least you would have had a buffer.

Wow the responses you have gotten are beyond harsh.
Just know that it is not your fault, and as hard as it is, accept that for whatever reasons she won’t engage and try to move on. In no way are you wrong for trying or expecting better.
I believe every human is absolutely entitled to know as much as they can about themselves and anyone that suggests otherwise seems heartless and lacking in empathy.

This is very sad for you. I can’t imagine how it would be to not know who my parents are or where I come from. However, I think it seems that your BM doesn’t want you in her life and it may be that her current family, possibly a husband or children know nothing of your existence. It looks as though she wants to keep it this way. I don’t think you should feel as though you’ve done anything wrong though. Your wanting to know is very understandable. 💐

Of course it isn't unreasonable to want genetic and medical information about your birth parents. And it isn't unreasonable to hope that your birth mother might be open to given you that, and possibly more.

From what has happened it seems she certainly isn't open to more. And there may be a variety of reasons she can't give your birth father's name (like she may not know it though you appear to know it is on file or she could be aware of problems that might come from telling you). But that's a different thing to being willing to answer a questionnaire asking for specific medical info. If you want to pursue that it may be worth asking someone else to act as intermediary (there may be organisations that can help); or making very clear that that's all you're asking for.

The tone of the response suggests that she knows well that she's your birth mother. If she wasn't the normal human response would be "I'm so terribly sorry but I couldn't possibly be your birth mum etc etc etc I wish you luck with your search".

You poor thing.

Were you not able to contact the adoption agency for this information?

I agree that she dropped all responsibility for you when she gave you up. I would not have contacted her.

It is very sad, and I do sympathise with you, however I do think you should cease contact now.

Wishing you all the best x

I believe every human is absolutely entitled to know as much as they can about themselves and anyone that suggests otherwise seems heartless and lacking in empathy. and if the birth mother was raped ?

Ots not all.aboit the adoptee. Someone who has put up her child.for adoption and does.resume contact later does not mean they have no.compassion. Maybe the y adoptees need to.accept it. If their bio.parents.want to find them they can but their privacy should.be respected

You are not unreasonable and nor is BM. It's hard to understand her viewpoint (well that's an understatement) but she can refuse contact. I would have thought that she ignored the first letter thinking that would be the end of it but responded to the second one realising it wouldn't be.

She isn't unreasonable to feel angry, guilty, ashamed, bereaved whatever. She was massively unreasonable to take that out on you but we can't control how anyone else acts.

This must be what the intermediaries have to filter out. I don't envy them their role at all. Horrible.

My husband had this same situation. He made contact through the formal agency but in the meantime found her name and researched her. His first letter (through a mediator) horrified his birth mother. She replied giving him a rough account of his birth and her family medical history. And said she would contact him some day (when she was ready). That was 15 years ago. She did ask the mediator for a photograph of him and his children. He has subsequently written to her annually (or just sent a Christmas card) but she does not want to hear from him and is quite aggressive about it. He has accepted this now but it is a second rejection for him. She had no further children and will not give him details of his birth father other than his age (he was 30!). Dh had no siblings and can see from social media that he looks like his cousins on his mother's side. It has been difficult for him to understand her rejection and the fact that he has no right to contact his extended family (she would be very upset).

I have no solution OP but my mother was a social worker in the 60's and completely agrees that the birth mother has no moral obligation to her child. I see how lost and hurt my DH was time and again (he did have counselling) and I think FUCK that wagon for being so callous. Dh had been told growing up that his birth mother was thinking of him on his birthday and to find out that only only was she not thinking of him but she is horrified by the thought of him has been a bit of an eye opener. Going by my mother and DH's birth mother I can only surmise that people were harder/tougher in those days. I don't know where this woman got my kind, soft-hearted dh. His father must have been a softie. He does look at men 30 years older than him who share a physical resemblance and wonder if they could be his father. That's a pretty horrible legacy. I hope you have a happy ending.

I am so heartened by your responses, the guilt and shame at causing any hurt to BM had been sinking me.

To answer some queries that might help explain my approach, yes it is Ireland thus the absolutely no identifying information, the agency involved is closing at the end of the year & when I contacted them in early 2019 there was a two year wait for tracing which could itself take years. The redacted file stated that BM & BF were in a relationship for 2 years, but not, obviously, if it was a healthy one. It would have been very difficult to trace me as I moved around a lot as a child and both adoptive parents are deceased.

I had counselling for a number of years in recent times for this and other issues to help my general coping strategies but will now seek to resume I think. To hear others say that whilst it is a difficult situation on both sides, it is sad, is of comfort to me now.

Your story reminds me of a close friend of mine. She wrote to her Birth mother 3 times and got no response. In desperation she contacted her half siblings via Facebook. They did not know of her existence and were quite shocked. A few years down the line they are all in contact. She has quite a good relationship with one of her sisters. Her birth mum sends Christmas and Birthday presents to my friends children.

Well I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to know about your biological parents, and I think you should be allowed to see your file. You’re not the one at fault for being born, even if you were born in horrible circumstances.

But no one can force them to give you information, and from what you’ve found so far you may conclude that you’re better off without such unempathetic people in your life.

I know someone who was adopted and her biological mother refused to acknowledge her but when she died her half siblings got in touch and she went to meet them and after talking with them realised she’d been the lucky one to get out and have a nice adopted family who loved her rather than being brought up in poverty with an abusive mother.

I would suggest a DNA matching service. I recently saw one of The Long Lost Family programmes and it was used successfully in several cases.
There's always a chance that, however difficult it might be to comprehend, that you weren't the result of a loving relationship between your biological mother and biological father.

@Leaannb You should learn to type before being so harsh towards someone obviously hurting.

I'm so sorry that you've been through this, OP. Lots of families suck. I hope your adoptive family are great!

I would echo what @Drum2018 said in trying to go down the DNA route, rather than a relational one. There could be so many reasons for such a response that it really is probably best left. Hope you find that closure elsewhere. Xx

What a dreadful experience for you - my heart aches for you. To be rejected twice by your birth mother must be dreadful.

But try, if you can, not to think too harshly of her. She may be an awful person; OR she may have a husband and family who know nothing about you, and her husband may not be an easy man to admit you to - or your conception may have been in circumstances she doesn't want to remember. She may be frightened and be lashing out without thought to protect herself.

It IS horrible for you - especially when there is a medical component involved, but try to put the experience behind you.

Wow MyMommyYourMommy thank you for sharing your DH's story, how awful for him for all those years. Yes it is a huge and second rejection I feel, as being an adoptee there is an element of me that believes I was worthless and 'given up' which is hard to counteract.

I too had searched people's face my entire life looking for similarities, social media has closed that gap now though with images of half siblings which is nice for me if that's not too weird.