AIBU to have expected information from birth mother?

[FeetZelet]

Lurker & grateful beneficiary of advice, first time poster...

Looking for thoughts or experiences to help me understand the response I have received from my birth mother. Background - adopted at 8 weeks in 1970's, legally no access to identifying information from my adoption file but publicly available birth records & internet have led me to my birth mother & her family, they have some public profile. As was the norm, my father's name is not recorded on BC. It is on file but not available under data protection.

I am seeking genetic & medical information and wrote to a business address to seek to engage with BM 7 hopefully to progress to corresponding & exchange of info. My first very brief letter received no response for months so I wrote a second in which I asked for the name of my birth father and nothing else information wise. Gave some background info about my own life in the hope that this was a more human approach and that the details might have been of interest or of comfort but did not outright state she was my BM in case someone else read the letters.

Have now received a short reply, no name, no address included, some weeks later, stating that there was no information to be given and questioning my incorrect approach & the information I had illegally! I am shocked that a mother (she has multiple other children) could be so harsh and accusatory about something she knows to be true. I am also ashamed of having made contact after many decades to be rejected and made feel that I caused the problem. There is no possibility of mistaken i.d., also, some family members are physically very similar to me.

AIBU to expect that she should have replied to my first letter to state 'do not contact' me rather than risking a further approach? Also many months later, to basically tear me a new one for persisting? Feeling lost in this and would welcome other opinions.

Oops,

I do understand that humans are complex and no one can be forced to engage, the era of my BM's pregnancy is so far removed from current instant access to information, they were guaranteed a cover up.

To answer a poster my BM did know I was adopted, she signed final permission papers when I was 10 months old. Also, the agency I contacted advised that in their experience, the majority of cases when BM's were contacted they reacted positively so perhaps that is hope for someone else.

Surely with DNA and ancestry sites though the bm will be aware they can be found. 50 years ago we didn't have the technology.
So whilst it was promised that details wouldn't be given, it can't be stopped in this day and age.
Some of my bm family don't know I exist, more are finding out if they are on ancestry or other sites.
I'm not some dirty little secret to be kept quiet, although some would like it to stay that way.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a harsh response. I suppose there are many circumstances under which a child is given up for adoption. I know from watching Long Lost Family it is often the case that young mothers were forced to give their children up. This may or may not have been the case for your birth mother. I see some posters are saying she’s being very harsh or cruel. She may be and it does seem that way. I suppose the circumstances of the pregnancy may be shaping her reaction. She could have been raped, sexually groomed, had an affair with a married man for example. I hope you at least find out if there are any genetic or health type issues. I wish you the best moving forward xx

Surely with DNA and ancestry sites though the bm will be aware they can be found.

I think it's difficult to say really. My grandmother was forced to give her daughter up in the 50s I think. I am certain that she has absolutely no idea about DNA and ancestry sites. She refers to Facebook and social media as "those messaging sites" and does not have internet at home. She seems fairly typical of her friends although her sister does have Facebook and is probably a lot more clued up. I find that people of that generation either embrace technology or don't.

Some perspective too.
I know rape occurs, but are posters really suggesting that the hundreds and thousands of babies adopted in the 60's/70's were all raped?

were a result of rape, that should read.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with this, OP.

I don't know if you're already aware of organisations that can help but PAC-UK might be worth looking at.

There's an active adoptee community on twitter (if you search the #adoptee hashtag you'll see lots of people) @howtobeadopted writes some v helpful blogs and @anneheffron is very honest and supportive.

I'm an adoptive parent rather than an adoptee or bm so can't really offer my own experience but I hope you can find some answers and/or peace. Take care x

Drabarni this -- 'I'm not some dirty little secret to be kept quiet, although some would like it to stay that way.' It hurts so much but also puts you wholly on the defense for your existence.

Kenworthington I am sorry you have had to experience similar, yes it is shit. I know my BM actually got married on my birthday a few years after my birth which is.... bizarre I guess.

In 1968 alone there were over 24,800 babies adopted. This was typical of most years of the decade. During the 70's with contraception it began to drop.
Both bm's, bf's and adopted people need to be supported and deserve closure.

He is nobody's secret and nobody else's right to privacy trumps his right to know who is is. I'm so glad he didn't listen to the likes of the above crap when he chose to look for his birth mother.

And if he had been the result of rape or incest? You still think the woman has no right to privacy?

Of course she has. Her rights trump his every time in these circumstances.

Feet

My bm died young, I never got to meet her. I have a huge family though and several have said that she would have met me, kept me at a distance and not involved me with my siblings.
This is closure for me though, and enough.
what many adoptive people would like is just not a second rejection, to be told the truth.
I'm sure that even if painful for the bm it would give her closure too. Far more people could be hurt, finding out through DNA. far better to just open the box, let it out and then close it again.

I’m in a similar situation OP, my BM is Irish Catholic but lived in GB when I was born, I was adopted at 17 days old, she was 19.

I got my adoption file a couple of years ago and with the help of a friend was able to trace one of my BM’s cousin who contacted her on my behalf but she wasn’t interested. I asked if I could write to her, she said no. I have some medical issues that are hereditary that I had questions about that she refused to answer, she refused to answer questions about my DF.

Fine, my barriers went up, she won’t get the chance to reject me again.

I had a message off her cousin last week to say that BM wants to contact me as she’s been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer.

I’ve told her no. I’m sorry to hear that she’s ill, but that’s as far as it goes, I don’t feel anything else.

OP, whilst I recognise your desire to know your birth parents and background, I think you ABU regarding how you went about it.

You totally invaded her privacy. Whilst the birth records are online, that doesn't mean you have to go searching for her via the internet or social media sites. Nor does it mean you should contact a business associated with her - she may not have wanted them to know.

You could be forcing her to revisit a period of time in her life that she'd rather forget. Maybe she didn't want to give you up, maybe she did but not everything is 'long lost family'.

My DF has at least one sibling adopted - he's not sure - and only found out when one approached him out of the blue. He approached GM who completely shut down. It caused loads of problems as she hadn't told anyone else.

Date wise, she had this child at 13 so I can understand why she shut down. Possible rape / grooming...she came from a very very bad background of alcohol, abuse, suicide etc.

Think of it as your birth mother possibly doing you a favour. Have you had a good life / upbringing?

I wi der if she is upset that in the secobd letter you only asked about your Father. Maybe he left her when pg to deal with everything alone, maybe it was rape or abuse. If it was anything like that she might have totally flipped out if she recueved a letter just asking for info about him?

@EdersonsSmileyTattoo I can completely understand your hurt, but 2 wrongs don’t make a right and you’ll never get this opportunity back to have some answers to your questions.
She was cruel but may have good reasons for her behaviour.

It must be absolutely awful though, I can’t imagine. Well... I can, but only in the eyes of my mum.

I'm so sorry op. I cant Imagine how traumatic it must have been to have worked up the courage to get into contact and then be rejected. Also difficult to understand how she could go on to have other children and care for them yet feel so disconnected to one of her own. The least she could have shared was any medical history.

Reading this thread today has made me think quite a bit about my wider family's situation. As well as having 2 cousins by one aunt who were adopted out, another cousin was adopted into the family by my uncle and his wife who couldn't have children. Sadly, my cousin died in 2012 aged 45.

I don't know who his birth parents are. They may not be alive now but I wonder if they ever think about him. I wish I knew which Social Services dept dealt with the adoption so that I could at least contact SS and let them know he has died. I'd hate to think one or both of them might be hoping that one day he'd contact them, knowing now that can never be.

Neither of you is being unreasonable, and I get where you're coming from, OP. It's a difficult subject for both sides, sometimes even when there is a happy reunion.
My biological brother approached me when I was a teenager, only to start oscillating between being hostile then apologetic a few weeks later, before finally cutting contact with me. I hadn't even known about him until then, although I'd always been aware I was adopted (I'd made no attempts to find my family, either).
I also got treated to an aggressive dismissal from who I now assume was my bio mother when I was trying to ring him before he went NC on me :/ I was pissed off for a while, but decided if they were going to be like that, I didn't need them in my life anyway.

My heart breaks for you OP, but my response may be harsh. Fuck her. Go public. She was in a relationship for two years, you can’t go round willy nilly having babies and not step up and provide basic medical information and paternal details. If she ever thought otherwise she was ridicoulsly naive. If she won’t answer your questions with some humanity ask her kids. Maybe they’ll be a little more human.
to you.

@FeetZelet
I am coming from slightly the other side as it were. I found out 6 months ago that my mother had had a baby adopted before she married and had me and my siblings.

My mother died 24 years ago. Some people on the family knew and didn’t tell us, this I am finding hard to come to terms with.
I have met my older sister and though I have felt her absence every day of my life, it does feel a bit too late.
I am not sure how my mother would have reacted. She was not an easy woman to say the least, she damaged us all in different ways, we have that in common. My sisters father was in love with my mother and willing to marry her.
I really feel for you. If you would like to chat, feel free to pm me.

The adoption experiences being shared show how complex it is and so very unique for each person touched by it, thanks for sharing all, it does make me feel less isolated.

I feel that a public outing of my BM would be wrong, my approaches were what I felt was the best I could do but I really don't want to hurt her though in I'm shock at how it played out. I am conscious that I can't know if the sex was consensual would never judge her or the circumstances.

I had asked about my birth parents in the first letter and then just about the BF in the second in the hope of taking the focus and pressure off her life directly. I was trying to be discrete for any other accidental readers

It’s not your fault. How she has reacted is all to do with her and her choices. Nothing to do with you.
In some ways it’s easier my for sister that she never had to deal with our mother.

@Jellybeansincognito Thanks for your reply.

I think that I’m in self preservation mode just now, I guess I want her to hurt like I do, although I don’t doubt that she hurt all those years ago, and probably still does.

I know from my file that my BF was a bit of a twat (unfaithful, lies, riddled with debt) “a bit of a Walter Mitty character” is how my social worker described him!

I didn’t want anything from her, other than answers, I never wanted her to be my Mum, she’s not my Mum, she’s nothing to me, just a surrogate/womb donor really. I never wanted to rock her world and I don’t care if I’ve any siblings or whatever. Just a list of a few questions. Nothing more.

Her rights trump his every time in these circumstances. except they no longer do because technology enables people to find this information for themselves, and regardless of the circumstances the child in these situations has done nothing wrong. No, maybe the parent didn’t either (although I imagine that rape and incest are rare compared to women who simply got pregnant in their teens and gave up the baby due to societal pressure, but are used as justification to continue to beat adoptees who dare to wonder about their heritage with,) but it is unreasonable to say to a person who was given up for adoption and who just wants to find out about their heritage that they are unreasonable for using available means to find out that information because the parent has all the rights and they still have none.

OP, ignore anyone who has told you you are being unreasonable. The fact is, things are no longer as they used to be, and as hard as that may be for then birth parents to come to terms with, that choice is no longer theirs to make.

Yep. We found out through an ancestry website.