AIBU - Resentful of my mother

[Elefantinbed]

Facts:

1. On and off member of MN
2. Not British, live in South Africa
3. English not first language
4. My parents left SA in the very late 80s to work as doctors in the UK
5. My siblings and I (3 pre/teens), struggled to adapt, returned to schools in SA for high school a few years later
6. Mother and youngest left behind in UK
7. Father left with us to settle us and went back to UK, mid 90s
8. We went to boarding schools. Lovely time, we were independent
9. Father returned home on retirement about 2 years ago

10. Father passed away last year in his 60s 11. My father died unhappy and lonely 12. My mother, in fact both parents raised us to be independent so that we are not burdens from an early age. 13. Father left his share of their joint assets to my siblings and I 14. He was an involved grandfather

My personal feelings, aibu?

1. My mother is gallivanting
2. She has absolutely no conscience - does as she pleases without a care about her family back in SA
3. She is making it a point that she squanders everything and leave nothing for her children/grandchildren
4. I am utterly resentful

You have painted your father into a saint and your mum as bad, but the truth is they both left you. So how good could either have them have been? Anyway it’s quite common for African parents of all races to leave their kinds behind to work overseas, at least they tried to settle you in the UK - if you weren’t settling then ZA was the best place for you.

There's not nearly enough detail to tell but if you're resenting the fact that your father left you money and your mum probably won't - which is how I'm reading it - then I think you probably are being unreasonable. How is she 'gallivanting'?

I understood from an early age that parents have to work, and they make up for it during retirement.

My mother is not going to leave us anything financially. I just can't reconcile parents who as a matter-of-fact tell you to your face.

Gallivanting?

It sounds like you and your mother don't have much of a relationship, let alone a good one. Her money and assets are hers until she dies, and for her to use as she pleases.

Why would she ‘make it up to you’. From her perspective you got a private education (I imagine a really good one too if your parents were both doctors) and you are all now settled. That’s it. Her job as a parent is over. Yes it sucks she doesn’t want to come down and help you with childcare or leave you money but she has already spent a lot of money on you already.

Why should she leave you anything financially? My parents are a way off from death (I certainly hope!) and I already know I won't be left anything - not that I wouldn't expect to be. It's their money. They worked for it!

In todays world, unless families' are particularly wealthy, its pretty bog standard that the only thing you are left with on their deaths is paperwork and grief.

What entitles you to your mothers hard earned money? It boggles my mind that [according to you], your mother should be doing without in her retirement so that you are left financially stable. Selfish much...

Yes me DM is the same inherited the equivalent of 1m and lives a life of complete luxury. Think penthouse apartments, fine clothes, holidays whilst we (all siblings)live a very medicocre life. She has no interest in DC and is a socialite.

She has pretty much spent all her inheritance. Which my DGF worked incredible hard to save for future generations spending nothing.

She has already said that they will be no money to pass on.

Dear lord I love my parents to pieces and I would rather see them enjoy their last years living life to the full as much as they are able even if I was left a penniless pauper by having no inheritance. How bloody awful and entitled to be pissed off with someone enjoying their money.

Are you struggling financially OP?

Tricky one.
Okay this will be a long reply (sorry)...just don't want you to feel like you're alone XX

My mum told me when I was 30-something that the dad who brought me up wasn't my dad. She didn't tell me in a sensitive way, she just blurted it out randomly one day. Though I was old, own family so didn't really bother me. My uncle is "probably" my biological dad.
She then decided to leave the dad who'd brought me up to be with uncle. Supported her as you get one life, be happy etc.

She then asked dad who brought me up for divorce. Told everyone he'd had affairs (he hadn't, she had). The dad who brought me up was so financially frugal and stable and wealthy. The divorce got so messy. She was violent towards him and took pretty much everything he'd worked for his entire life. Just before he was about to retire. Now he will never be able to retire!

I got dragged into the divorce, from both sides and that's when I started resenting both. My mental health for the first time in my life begun to shatter and it was effecting my own small children and my own relationship with husband. I just wanted to get the hell away. So planned to emigrate to as far away as I could get.

As soon as visa granted to emigrate, mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer. She did want me to still go abroad. So she wasn't selfish. Stayed for her initial chemo and had to handle comments from people in our small town about how I was selfish and neglecting her. I was pretty much rock bottom here. Moved abroad anyway with her blessing. Relationship gradulally improved. She got married to uncle/bio dad just before she got so badly ill and that made her will invalid (unsure if she was aware of this). She then passed away - a few days after I told her I was pregnant :( and 3 days before I was due to arrive back in England to visit her - and everything she wanted to leave me now belongs to uncle-possible dad.

Since she's been gone, I honestly feel every emotion. Anger over will (it's more complicated than I've put on here). Overwhelming loss and love. Confusion. Guilt.

Anyhow, slowly I'm recognising she was just a human. She made mistakes and did what she thought was best. She owed me nothing and I owed her nothing. She had one life and although I don't agree with all her choices, it was her life.

My advice to you is to maybe take a similar view? That your mum owes you nothing. You owe her nothing. Let her live and be happy and you do the same? Just have a lovely and carefree, low expectation relationship with the lady who presumely did what she thought was best for you. Allow her to be selfish. Because right now, my main comfort is knowing my mum lived her life to the full. Money means nothing!!

My mother is not going to leave us anything financially. I just can't reconcile parents who as a matter-of-fact tell you to your face

I imagine she is in her 60s, as you age you mellow and quite likely that won't be the case.

BTW I'm probably the same age as your mother. I gallivant too. I'm retired now. I want to see the world. Why shouldn't I?

Should I just sit at home and wait for my (adult) DCs to ring me and hang on their every word and squirrel away all my money to give to them?

1. My mother is gallivanting

Good for her. I wish my mother had used some of her savings to go on the Rocky Mountain Train holiday she dreamed of. Rather she squirrelled
away all her money for her old age so as not to be a burden and in fact, dropped dead suddenly instead.

2. She has absolutely no conscience - does as she pleases without a care about her family back in SA

Need examples. Is she running an international drugs smuggling operation?

3. She is making it a point that she squanders everything and leave nothing for her children/grandchildren

Is she saying this to you or just posting some nice pictures of her sunning herself on a Barbados beach to FB? Maybe she thinks her ex husband more than amply provided for them? Or even, ** that the children’s PARENTS should?

4. I am utterly resentful

Among other things.

Either this is a reverse or an episode of Some Mothers Do Have Them. 🤷‍♀️

1. I am not dictating what or how she should live her life.
2. Except for high school, and university living allowance and my father's share, my parents have not done anything for me.
3. I've build myself up from scratch - when it could have been different

I've never had the luxuries in life that my parents should and could afford to give. I've worked straight from university and could not afford to even take a year off just for travel - like others whose parents were of similar standing.

What is boggling is parents who can afford, but choose not to give their children a start in life.

Are you struggling financially OP? Not

OP, I also have to add ..... my beautiful adult children have said to me 'Mum, we don't want anything from you and Dad. Now you're retired, we want you to have a blast enjoying retirement'.

They have good careers, they're happy and they want me and my DH to enjoy our lives now we're older. You, on the other hand....

I've worked straight from university and could not afford to even take a year off just for travel - like others whose parents were of similar standing

My DD started a job before she'd even handed in her dissertation. She had no break. She even worked at Uni. and has now worked her way up in her career, earns fantastic money so is packing her job in at some point and taking some time off to travel. She's a bit burnt out. OP not everyone goes travelling straight after Uni.

You sound so so resentful. You talk about your 'father's share'. How much was that roughly?

On reflection, I'm with your mother!

I've never had the luxuries in life that my parents should and could afford to give

It is far from established that your parents should be responsible for providing their adult child with “luxuries”, esp if adult child is otherwise not struggling and ambling along nicely.

Just how rich are your parents? Are they Steve Gates rich whilst you perceive yourself to be struggling away at the coal face for £30k pa?

I am not dictating what or how she should live her life

Every post of yours says you are

I have never read anythingthat absolutely reeks of entitlement as this post. Wow just wow. My kids and grandkis arent inheriting from us either. Whatever we don't spend traveling witll be left to a few charities .

What i meant about gallivanting: endless holidays, socialite like and entirely absorbed in her life.

About lack of conscience: infrequent calls, only gifts to grandchildren, openly admits she finds children hard work.

I just hope she has a plan for when she becomes immobile.

Christ; some people are so fucking entitled

You are being unreasonable.

Lots and lots of children have it worse than you.

I never got any help from my parents despite the fact they could have afforded it. I am proud of everything I've done because I've done it. Nothing handed to me! I put myself through uni. I got a job on my 13th birthday. I walked miles and miles in the pouring rain to school each day as they never gave me lifts anywhere.
They did their job, they provided me shelter, food and the basics needed. They disciplined me.

They never baby sat their grand children. They never helped me buy a house. What they did give me was a life lesson to stand on my own two feet and accept responsibility for my own life!

You went to boarding school so your parents paid for your education. You are so privelilidged jusy for that!

Some parents have kids and spend their money on themselves and provide nothing for their children! Kids who don't have uniforms or school shoes. Kids who are hungry! You're an adult!!!

Sorry, but you just sound very entitled! Her money, let her do with it what she wants. She doesn't owe you or your children!

I have endless holidays. My DH is older than me. Time is very precious.

I have helped my DCs at some point and we are in contact almost daily, so we are different in that.

However, I'm not sure this can be repaired because you sound resentful, furious and like you don't even like your mother let alone love her. You need to speak to her from the heart and tell her how you're feeling. Without making it sound so money grabbing. And without resenting her holidays.

only gifts to grandchildren - whats the negative here>