AIBU - Resentful of my mother

[Elefantinbed]

Facts:

1. On and off member of MN
2. Not British, live in South Africa
3. English not first language
4. My parents left SA in the very late 80s to work as doctors in the UK
5. My siblings and I (3 pre/teens), struggled to adapt, returned to schools in SA for high school a few years later
6. Mother and youngest left behind in UK
7. Father left with us to settle us and went back to UK, mid 90s
8. We went to boarding schools. Lovely time, we were independent
9. Father returned home on retirement about 2 years ago

10. Father passed away last year in his 60s 11. My father died unhappy and lonely 12. My mother, in fact both parents raised us to be independent so that we are not burdens from an early age. 13. Father left his share of their joint assets to my siblings and I 14. He was an involved grandfather

My personal feelings, aibu?

1. My mother is gallivanting
2. She has absolutely no conscience - does as she pleases without a care about her family back in SA
3. She is making it a point that she squanders everything and leave nothing for her children/grandchildren
4. I am utterly resentful

This has to be a wind up surely..

To clear some false assumptions.

I've worked extremely hard, bought own property and paid own way in this life, without parents nor an expectation from anyone.

I had not thought of inheritance until my father died.
I jokingly asked my mother, if (at the rate she is going) she is going to leave anything behind and was taken aback by her thoughts.

The actual figure left by my father is less than 150k. I would swap this for him.

I'm bemused at the mother spending her money as she chooses being deserving of resentment.

I've worked extremely hard, bought own property and paid own way in this life, without parents nor an expectation from anyone
Ditto

I had not thought of inheritance until my father died
I jokingly asked my mother, if (at the rate she is going) she is going to leave anything behind and was taken aback by her thoughts
Even joking with your mother that there was not going to be anything left for you at the rate she was going... was exceedingly crass.

I would be very hurt if my kids talked like this because the meaning is obvious. and it is 'What about MY inheritance?'

I presume it was £150K plus half of two houses one in UK and one in SA. That's substantial.

Why the fuck would she even want to leave you anything. You come across as totally grabby.
You couldn't take a gap year.
Poor you.
I always knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go to sixth form because as soon as I was old enough I had to give up school and go to work.
Whilst my father was alive my mother only went to stay with a relative who lived by the sea.
When he died she went off to loads of different countries and had a whale of a time, spent all the money (apart from what a sibling stole off her)
And what the hell it was her money

For most there are no assumptions about you. Your posts make that very clear. Why do you assume that you deserve some special recognition of actually being an adult, i.e. work, pay for your home and earn a living? That is some pretty basic stuff! As for your father’s inheritance, in many circumstances that would go to the surviving spouse, so you were pretty fortunate. If anyone is extremely crass and out of order than it is you to even raise the subject of an inheritance with your mother who is still young enough to enjoy her much deserved retirement. As for the lump sum you inherited that is still quite a lot for many people.

I've worked extremely hard, bought own property and paid own way in this life, without parents nor an expectation from anyone

Ditto. I didn't take a gap year, but if I had, I would have paid my own way I managed to go on good holidays while I was at Uni - interrailing most years - but I worked during the summer to pay for it myself.

I bought a house (with a 90+% mortgage) when I was 24 - with no help from my parents (although they did come down to help me move in )

I jokingly asked my mother, if (at the rate she is going) she is going to leave anything behind and was taken aback by her thoughts

Nothing wrong with genuinely jokingly asking this we joke with my dad regularly about this - but everything wrong with being taken aback at her thoughts

And FWIW, my dad was a doctor too (although we didn't go to private school). And I would give everything to have my mum back - it's been 7 years since she died and over 10 years since we realised we'd "lost" her as she descended into the particular type of dementia that her head injury caused

I'm just glad my dad is still around and is enjoying life - even if that means that he is away a lot of the time

It’s quite common to work straight out of uni in ZA. Not sure what you’re getting at here It is quite common because the majority can't afford to not. But at the same time, their circle of friends, gifted their children cars during university, allowed their children to pursue post-grads - We didn't have that luxury - we all did first degree and worked and part-time for further studies.

My parents are no where near rich, they were born at the right time. The SA house is on a free tribal land and built their house for about an equivalent of £1k in the early 80s and also got lucky in the UK in the 90s.
I just can't understand why you would want to do the minimum for your children when you can ease things for them.
I am resentful that I at some point made poor choices and ended up practically homeless and my parents wouldn't help me.

This absolutely can not be true. No one can be this entitled!
Until you experience mental health problems, fired from job, homeless (admittedly because of poor financial planning) and committed to a mental health hospital and your parents offer you minimum

Your parents were not there for you in an emotional sense.
Yes, they worked long hours because they said it is to provide for us, but actually it was not.

Until you experience mental health problems, fired from job, homeless (admittedly because of poor financial planning) and committed to a mental health hospital and your parents offer you minimum

Well that's a bit of a drip feed.

Your father apparently died fairly young?

Maybe your mother wants to, you know, actually live her life while she can?

That’s a bit of a drip feed. I would suggest you need more therapy.

Butchyrestingface right that's a huge drip feed.

Wanting support in such a situation is more understanable than seeing your mother's money as some kind of "right" which is what you first seemed to be saying.

Why in god's name are you throwing in that you were homeless and in a mental hospital now?

Weird. and convenient

😂😂😂

As the others have said, that's one hell of a drip feed. And i'm not sure MN is really the place to get help for it.
You obviously have issues for this and coupled with an apparent history of very poor mental health, I would once again, gently, urge you to get some professional help in order for you to make peace with this all and move on.

OP, your ginormous drip feed puts a different slant on your attitude.

I think you have emotional resentment rather than financial.

Id suggest some counselling.

But I have to say that I'd be ashamed at my DC if they had the same attitude as you having been given so much advantage.

Well that's a bit of a drip feed.

It was not relevant because I've since recovered and in many ways much better than before.

Why in god's name are you throwing in that you were homeless and in a mental hospital now?*

I just didn't see it's relevance until the personal attacks and because I've recovered financial, own home and have grown professionally. I could not have bounced back as easily without my father's inheritance.

Thank you all.

💧 💧 💧

Be grateful you had your father's inheritance then. I have no idea why you are so pissed off with your mother. You've recovered from a mental breakdown, you are doing better now than you were before, you are doing well work wise, you are financially solvent and compared to some pretty well off, you have really nothing to complain about in those circumstances.
However...
You obviously have huge issues with your DM, we don't know all the ins and outs on this thread. As others have said, you would be wise to get professional counselling to deal with what issues you have.

You are going to waste your life away by trying to understand the type of parents they were and still are. They did fail you by not being there in the way good, loving parents should be. This is where you are stuck at and cant move on from.
You can deal with this by accepting it is what it is. Your dm is in her 60s, what chance in hell is she going to change. You can accept that and make a choice not to have much to do with her. Or you can continue to let it eat you up and have her in your life.

The reek of entitlement is suffocating. If you were my child, I’d spend as much as I could on “gallivanting” and leave the rest to charity.