AIBU - Resentful of my mother

[Elefantinbed]

Facts:

1. On and off member of MN
2. Not British, live in South Africa
3. English not first language
4. My parents left SA in the very late 80s to work as doctors in the UK
5. My siblings and I (3 pre/teens), struggled to adapt, returned to schools in SA for high school a few years later
6. Mother and youngest left behind in UK
7. Father left with us to settle us and went back to UK, mid 90s
8. We went to boarding schools. Lovely time, we were independent
9. Father returned home on retirement about 2 years ago

10. Father passed away last year in his 60s 11. My father died unhappy and lonely 12. My mother, in fact both parents raised us to be independent so that we are not burdens from an early age. 13. Father left his share of their joint assets to my siblings and I 14. He was an involved grandfather

My personal feelings, aibu?

1. My mother is gallivanting
2. She has absolutely no conscience - does as she pleases without a care about her family back in SA
3. She is making it a point that she squanders everything and leave nothing for her children/grandchildren
4. I am utterly resentful

What i meant about gallivanting: endless holidays, socialite like and entirely absorbed in her life.

Sounds good. 🤩

About lack of conscience: infrequent calls, only gifts to grandchildren, openly admits she finds children hard work

Maybe she struggles to maintain a relationship with a woman who has festering and irrational resentment of her? People think they’re good at hiding such attitudes when often, in fact, they’re, er, NOT.

I just hope she has a plan for when she becomes immobile.

Would you want to be cared for by you, given how you come across on this thread? I wouldn’t.

‘Apart from high school, university living allowance & my father’s share my parents have done nothing for me’ , what do you think your parents should have done? The fact that you say you are not struggling financially presumably means you had a good education and have managed to find employment, you have therefore ‘inherited’ a good work ethic?

Why shouldn’t your mother enjoy her retirement travelling and enjoying herself, my DH and I hope to retire in a few years and we are planning a long trip and looking forward to it. What should we do? Tie ourselves down to do childcare for grandchildren? No thanks.

I tell my mother that she should have a blast & leave only a penny in her bank account.

Hello that was me exactly. I left home at 16 and made my own way. And was I there for my parents when they got ill and infirm and I was visiting hospital and a hospice all on the same day?
Yes. They were my parents. They weren't perfect at all but when push comes to shove I wasn't going to punish them at the end of their lives for not buying me stuff or spoiling me or whatever...
which is what the OP is sounding like

I'm just wondering how old you are. You sound like a teenager from what you say but you can't be in reality. Why don't you try looking at life in a more positive way - be grateful for what you have had - good education including university (lots of us have never been to university), an inheritance from your father and raised to be independent (a very useful thing to be). If you spend your life bitterly resenting what you did not have, you will be miserable and make everyone around you miserable too.

Your mother sounds just right, good on her. Right she is to enjoy her retirement, working as a doctor couldn't have been easy.

Your parents have 'not done anything for you' except a private education, financially supporting you through university, and inheritance from your father??!!!!!

You are lucky to have such problems.

You are an adult, your mother owes you nothing. Her money is hers to do as she pleases.

Gosh op. You're not coming across well here.

Hollachica that's what one of my DD said! DD is that you?!

I would love to know how much you were left by your father. I think this is relevant. Perhaps your DM thinks you are doing pretty well financially....

Although I will say it sounds as though the 'raising you to be independent' hasn't gone awfully well

My parents are not rich, they worked for everything they have as they will remind us.

So his share was a combination of retirement and other savings, life cover.

In financial terms, we each got an equivalent of about the very lower 6 figures in pounds and half of the house here and in the UK.

They have set you up for life. They gave you a private education and is sounds like you went to uni. You are educated and now providing for yourself and your family. That is how it is supposed to work.

My DH and I put out girls through private school and uni. They are now pretty much financially independent. As soon as DH retires in a few years we plan to 'gallivant'. We have massive plans for traveling whilst we are able. Having worked hard all out lives we think we deserve this. Thankfully our girls agree.

A parents job is to provide the building blocks for their children to achieve their potential. This includes discipline, education, love, food, a roof over their head. It does not include money to be spent on frivolity. Yes nice if it happens but if it doesn't not a problem. Hiw vile that because she hasn't given you the money you think you are entitled to youmake a comment about how you hope she has a plan for when she becomes immobile. I hope her plan involves selling all her property to fund care and you are left with diddly squat.

You are not only unreasonable you are being a proper C u next Tuesday. It's her money. You've gotten your upbringing and your education. That's it, her job is done.

In financial terms, we each got an equivalent of about the very lower 6 figures in pounds and half of the house here and in the UK

Bloody Norah! You're having a larf aren't you????

This could well be the equivalent of between £250,000 and £500,000 !

And you think your mother should be spoiling you?? OP for god's sake if you're real stop this now. You are a very wealthy woman.

Fucking hell 100 000 plus half of 2 houses and you are still moaning its not enough. Greedy cow are the nicest words that spring to mind

You need to work at ridding yourself of this resentment. It is affecting only you.

No one knows what the future holds so don’t become resentful of something that has not yet happened. Your mother may outlive you.
She may die tomorrow before she she has a chance to spend all her money.

You never know how things will end so try and live your best life without thinking of these negative possibilities.

YABVU for resenting your mother for not 'leaving' you anything. She educated and raised you.

they have gave your nothing? Private education? A safe home environment, food, and you know life?

You sound very bitter, so obviously more going on. But I for one would be greatful to see my parents spend THEIR money they worked hard for. 1/2 of it would only go to the tax man, so better that they enjoy it now!

You seem to be In the mindset that it's your money, it isn't.

I think you might need therapy. Or more, if you've had some already.
I am resentful of my (late) mother. Therapy helped a lot. I'm still resentful but now I know I'm right!

I think YABVU. Your expectations of your mother are very unreasonable. She’s ‘galivanting’?! You mean she’s living her life? How dare she?! 🙄Presumably you think she should be providing you with free childcare or living as frugally as possible in order to ensure you’re left as much money in the will as possible? Ugh. She sent you to a boarding school which you enjoyed and you seem to have had quite a privileged upbringing despite your parents not being physically present - I also don’t understand why you seem to be praising your dad but criticizing your mum when t sounds like they were both quite absent in your lives growing up. I really dislike your statement that ‘parents have to work but they make it up to you later’ - that’s insane. So they worked hard to send you to a fancy private school and provide for you, and in return you think they owe you more??! What exactly do you think she owes you FOR?! Why is she so indebted to you in your opinion, I literally can’t understand this at all? I also don’t get what you mean about her only doing presents for kids - are you upset that she doesn’t buy you presents?! Do most adults buy their adult children presents?!! Is she a human being to you or something you can use and get things from?

I am not dictating what or how she should live her life.
Just bitching about her 'gallivanting' & resenting her living her own life. From the stench of disapproval wafting off your posts, it's clear that if you were in a position to dictate, you'd do so.

2. Except for high school, and university living allowance and my father's share, my parents have not done anything for me.
You know hundreds of people are reading point 2 like it's the Monty Python "What did the Roman's ever do for us?" sketch, don't you?
You, the daughter of two professionals, were given a private education, were funded through university, & inherited a windfall from your dad, are being small-minded & ridiculous.
The vast majority of people were given nothing like your privileges. You could be a much happier person if you decided to work on losing the resentment & starting to feel gratitude for all the advantages you have in life.

3. I've build myself up from scratch - when it could have been different
Oh fuck off with you.
Go & spend some time with people who have GENUINELY built themselves up from nothing. Whose independence comes not because their well-off parents sent them to an enjoyable boarding school where they 'learned independence' while also getting the educational & life experience of straddling dual countries.
Talk to people who had sod all higher education, who struggled to pay rent, bills & eat. Whose parents had no money either. I don't think you have the first notion of what 'starting from scratch' means. I also think that you have the potential to make yourself increasingly unhappy by focusing on your desire for your mother's money, instead of all the privileges she & your father bestowed upon you. I can only suggest you engage in some private counselling to help you reassess your attitude to your life, before you waste any more of it in unhappiness & resentment.

Hmm you sound very bitter and grabby. It’s her money to do as she wishes, and there is no obligation to leave any money for children. It’s also her choice if to provide any help once you have left home yourself some parents do, sone don’t. You get one chance at life your mother is choosing to spend hers going on holiday, spending what money she has earnt and it’s her choice not to leave anything to you and your siblings. Your father has

I lost my father, he left his share of the family home to us. We all tell our mother to spend her m8net on what she wants, we don’t want her to think she can’t enjoy her life and has to leave something to use as well. She doesn’t

But then I obviously have a different mindset to you

YABU.

HTH.

You know what, I think I understand... Your parents were not there for you in an emotional sense. They made every decision as to what was best for them and not really considered their children. This in itself is not so bad, if you still have a loving, trusting, strong bond, but I don't think that's what you had.

You literally had to look after yourself in a physical and emotional sense from a young age. That is shit.

Maybe, in the back of your mind, you had the idea that they are working so hard and effectively 'neglecting' you BUT there will be something to 'show' for it at some later stage, i.e. inheritance. Or perhaps more involvement when they retire. And you put up with it hoping for that involvement, and now there is nothing. Nothing to show for your understanding and putting up with their shitty behaviour and this is the crux.

Maybe I'm way off the mark here, but if this is correct, I understand. I think you might benefit from some counselling. To work through these feelings.