AIBU - Resentful of my mother

[Elefantinbed]

Facts:

1. On and off member of MN
2. Not British, live in South Africa
3. English not first language
4. My parents left SA in the very late 80s to work as doctors in the UK
5. My siblings and I (3 pre/teens), struggled to adapt, returned to schools in SA for high school a few years later
6. Mother and youngest left behind in UK
7. Father left with us to settle us and went back to UK, mid 90s
8. We went to boarding schools. Lovely time, we were independent
9. Father returned home on retirement about 2 years ago

10. Father passed away last year in his 60s 11. My father died unhappy and lonely 12. My mother, in fact both parents raised us to be independent so that we are not burdens from an early age. 13. Father left his share of their joint assets to my siblings and I 14. He was an involved grandfather

My personal feelings, aibu?

1. My mother is gallivanting
2. She has absolutely no conscience - does as she pleases without a care about her family back in SA
3. She is making it a point that she squanders everything and leave nothing for her children/grandchildren
4. I am utterly resentful

I have a family member who wastes far too much of their life blaming all their woes on their mother. Their mother was not perfect, she did make some absolute clangers of mistakes. But she did her best, according to her lights, and in the context of the time in which she lived.

It's tedious. It has very much got in the way of them having a genuinely positive relationship. Which of course, she blames on her mother.

I often wonder if she ever wonders if her children may judge her as harshly as she judges her own mother. Because she is by no means a perfect mother either. As none of us are.

we each got an equivalent of about the very lower 6 figures in pounds and half of the house here and in the UK

My heart bleeds for you. My daughters wouldn't be able to even dream of such an inheritance.

Inheritance from my parents (despite being their beneficiary) will be £0. It's all gone in care.

You seem to have emotionally tied your father’s money into some kind of forgiveness and gesture of honouring you when this may not have been his intention at all. Your mother, it would appear, has no inkling of an idea that you feel like that. And even if she did, it is not her responsibility to fulfil your fantasy.

You need to be enjoying your life and if you can’t, that is something for you to fix. Your mother is never going to be the person you need her to be. I, like you, believed my father to be blameless for my less than ideal childhood and put him on a pedestal after his death. He wasn’t. He just died when I was an older child and it took me to my 40’s to realise he was human like the rest of us.

It sounds as if you need to give yourself what your mother is unable to give you. Love, care and nurture.

All of this anger you have toward her about stuff and inheritance and gap years is detracting from the fact that you believe your needs weren’t met. An adult child, whose needs were met as a child wouldn’t act like you are right now.

Yes, they worked long hours because they said it is to provide for us, but actually it was not
but actually it was. It was the money they were working for that paid for your school, university & living allowance, or did they plant a magic money tree for all that?
You chose to go back to SA as a child & your father even took prolonged time off work - without pay I'm sure - to bring you there & get everything set up for you. If I'd been your parent I'd have just told you tough, suck it up, this is where we live now. They indulged you too much & we can all see how well that worked out for you.

Should I just sit at home and wait for my (adult) DCs to ring me and hang on their every word and squirrel away all my money to give to them?

This. Am in same situation. My kids know if they need me I am there but in the meantime I have just one life and intend to continue to live it while I am able.

I am with you OP. Fine if she wants to spend her money before she does. Why tell you that? Just to wind you up? Gloat?

@misspiggy19, maybe try RTFT. OP asked her.

@Elefantinbed
You are comparing yourself to others who you felt were given many material things when you were not. Interesting you don't mention the emotional bond and support of your parents but you do talk about being very independent from a young age. When you've had mental health and financial issues, you have felt they were not there for you.

You feel you dad has in some way redressed this imbalance by leaving you money and assets but your mother I'm guessing isn't going to do so, hence the resentment.

This isn't really about money, that's the symptom not the cause. I think you need to get professional help to address the cause ( IMO your parents lack of emotional support) so that you can in some way move on.

You say in your OP

9. Father returned home on retirement about 2 years ago
10. Father passed away last year in his 60s
11. My father died unhappy and lonely

Given that he'd come "home" (which from your perspective means SA, where you live), why did he die unhappy and lonely? Was he not spending money on himself? Did he find out that money can't buy happiness? Why was he lonely if you were there?

But whatever, he's gone now so you need to get on with living and stop seething with resentment and entitlement

I've worked straight from university and could not afford to even take a year off just for travel

Hahahahahahahaha.

Would love to hear your mother's version of the whole story. Honestly, people who think the world owes them a living really annoy me.

I worked straight out of university and I'm not at all resentful of my parents. They were very helpful while I was pursuing my first degree for which I will always be grateful. After that I was thrilled to be financially independent, including while studying for my doctorate.

Adults are supposed to stand on their own two feet. No idea when this became such a controversial notion.

Since you received that large sum of money from your dad, plus shares in property, your mother may well feel that you are nicely provided for. If she wants to "gallivant" a bit at this point in her life, more power to her.

Of course, the dripfeeds about mental health issues and being "practically homeless" complicate matters. I would certainly help an adult child who was struggling to that extent. But as for the rest of your resentment? Build a bridge and get over it.

You do know that your mum's money is hers, right? It belongs to her. It is not yours to have any opinion about.

Jeeze.

I have no intention of leaving my children anything and I don't want my parents to leave me anything. They have earnt it, I want them to spend their retirement spending it however they please and enjoying themselves. The thought of spending their money when they are dead is abhorrent.

Use the money you have been left to get yourself a really good therapist.

My goodness you sound horrendous and so very, very entitled. Everything I hope my children do not become.

Nonetheless, this thread is not going to last long as I imagine the OP will flounce and drip feed like hell.

I've worked straight from university and could not afford to even take a year off just for travel

As have the majority you utter, utter, ignorant person. You are in need of a serious reality check because your version is fucking screwed.

YABU

Your parents worked for their money and your mother can spend it however she likes. You’re not entitled to anything. The fact you speak so ill of her suggests to me that you shouldn’t even WANT her money.

You sound unkind and grabby

It's astounding, that despite the luxuries you've enjoyed, you lack any kind of awareness of the fact that you have actually lived a far more privileged life than is the norm for many....especially for your neighbours in SA who live in the shanty towns.

You had the privilege of boarding school education and were encouraged and supported to become an independent adult and have the ability and skills to provide for yourself.
You are not lacking for anything material.

The emotional nourishment you're needing can't be found in money.

I'm saving hard to retire early and then spend it travelling and enjoying myself. Isn't that what we all work for? Not to 'pass it down through the generations' where nobody reaps the benefit except the tax man or the care system. Weird train of thought OP. You've had a taste of an inheritance and have become greedy. Unpleasant.

You said she had 'absolutely no conscience'. People who have no conscience are socio/psychopaths who invariably end up in prison on life terms. What you mean is your mum isn't giving you what you want, that doesn't make her a psychopath.

I completely agree with @TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit

All of this is seems to be based in terms of money and inheritance and what your Dad did do and what she is not doing or prepared to do. Could it be that the money is only a red herring. She has had a lifetime to be your mother in an emotional sense and has never managed to do so, never managed to be the mother you needed or wanted and even when her grandchildren arrived, still had no interest. That's a bad hand to be played in life as many on here know themselves, judging by the frequent threads about being letting down by the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally and also by the threads on here from people who love their children so much they act irrationally at times. So now to rationalise the hurt and give her one last chance at some form of redemption as a dreadful parent, the very least she can do is pay for her mistakes with money.

She won’t though and you are resentful and you have to somehow accept this person is not and never will be what you hope for. I don’t really know how anyone gets this point of acceptance with a parent. I would never advise anyone oto ‘go. to counselling’ but maybe as I can’t think of any advice. Just expect nothing of her and you’ll at least have made some inroad into not being hurt anymore.

Well said @Avenilson. I don't think anyone can understand OP. The money is a last ditch attempt to gain love. If the OP had felt loved inheritance would not be on her mind. to you OP