AIBU - Resentful of my mother

[Elefantinbed]

Facts:

1. On and off member of MN
2. Not British, live in South Africa
3. English not first language
4. My parents left SA in the very late 80s to work as doctors in the UK
5. My siblings and I (3 pre/teens), struggled to adapt, returned to schools in SA for high school a few years later
6. Mother and youngest left behind in UK
7. Father left with us to settle us and went back to UK, mid 90s
8. We went to boarding schools. Lovely time, we were independent
9. Father returned home on retirement about 2 years ago

10. Father passed away last year in his 60s 11. My father died unhappy and lonely 12. My mother, in fact both parents raised us to be independent so that we are not burdens from an early age. 13. Father left his share of their joint assets to my siblings and I 14. He was an involved grandfather

My personal feelings, aibu?

1. My mother is gallivanting
2. She has absolutely no conscience - does as she pleases without a care about her family back in SA
3. She is making it a point that she squanders everything and leave nothing for her children/grandchildren
4. I am utterly resentful

It’s quite common to work straight out of uni in ZA. Not sure what you’re getting at here

You need to get a grip OP, you come across as entitled and unreasonable.

You drip resentment & bitterness out of every pore & this isn't going to get you through life.
You not only had a university education instead of having to leave school & get a job as soon as you were old enough, you were given a living allowance. How much were you given? Was it enough to live comfortably? Did you never consider getting a job during the holidays/weekends to build some savings of your own?
What kind of income do you have now from your university graduate job? You didn't provide that for yourself "from scratch". Really, you didn't provide anything for yourself "from scratch" apart from the big chip on your shoulder.
Your late father has already left his worldly goods to you & your siblings. Is it a large amount? Between that & your own earnings are you able to scrape together enough to rent a hovel where you live on dry crusts & water or have you a nice home & with all your needs met?
What was it that you wanted from them that you so resent not getting? What were these luxuries that you feel so entitled to that not having has blighted your life so much?

This absolutely can not be true. No one can be this entitled!

Um, given that you're in South Africa, do you think you might be able to pop your head outside of your arse and see how many of your fellow countrymen and women live? You have enjoyed a life of wealth and privilege. But that's not enough for you.

I doubt anything would have ever been enough for you.

I can absolutely see where your mother is coming from. At least she's not setting you up with false expectations.

And I'm pretty sure she's not planning on relying on your milk of human kindness to care for her or arrange compassionate care for her if she loses her ability to care for herself.

I feel like the real issue isn't the money but lack of actual parenting. Maybe you resent the fact she wasn't physically there for you, that you don't have a loving relationship with her. Everyone is putting emphasise on the money and private education you received when that doesn't mean nothing if you have had to raise yourself and go through life events without the company of your mother

@Butchyrestingface . I haven't, but...

We were played magnificently yesterday, too.

*doesn't mean anything

I do feel sad for the op because she is obviously hurting so much. Whether she is justified or not is another matter but I'm not judging.

Elephantinbed, it sounds as though you and your siblings inherited a decent amount from your father. You don't need you mother's money but I imagine there will be something left for you when she dies, she's just going to spend in the here and now.

She may never be immobile, you know, not all elderly people are handicapped in old age, some are fine and then die after a short illness. Something I think we would all like for ourselves. In the case of being helpless, I expect your mother has something in place for that.

Feeling bitter against your mother is not doing your health any good - I'm sure you know that. It will eat you up and in the end, your attitude could be far worse than the person you're angry with.

Your mother and father made you the independent people that you are. There's no such being as a perfect parent, we all get it wrong. I'm sure they loved you and believed everything they did was for the best in the long run. You've said you enjoyed school and all that. You've had a more interesting life than many. Mum may not be the type of mother you want but she doesn't sound like a bad person and, in time, you may find she is a lot better than you give her credit for.

This is going to take its own time: I think it would be a good idea for you to go to counselling - Cruise might suit because your father's death and your mother's 'attitude', so close together, are intertwined in your sub and unconscious. Being able to talk it out face to face with somebody neutral can be very helpful and a good therapist will guide you but not tell you what to do. In time your attitude will soften and what seems like a big deal right now will just be a period of your life.

All the very best to you and thank you for sharing, it's making a very interesting and unusual thread.

They raised an entitled, spoilt asshat!

So your AIBU is actually "Am I justified to be angry as my Mother isn't the type of mother I want her to be?"

Your parents recognised you and your sister were unhappy. So much so they took you both back to sa to go boarding school, where you were happy and settled. I would have given my right arm to have been so lucky as to have parents, who loved me and attended to my needs. Yes, I have been helped financially. But I would have made so much more of my life And had a ton of self belief had I not had such shitty parenting. Instead I loathed myself from about 4/5. I can tell you that’s not fucking normal.

You received an inheritance from your father, a father, who you knew into adulthood. You are so privileged on both counts. Stop looking at life through such a negative lens and if you can’t, pay for therapy.

They raised an entitled, spoilt asshat!

True, but even the nicest of gardens can occasionally produce a few, er, weeds. 🤷‍♀️

I have a different take on it than it being a very interesting and unusual thread.

But I won't say what my take is or I might bet severely reprimanded by MNHQ

OP, let your mother enjoy the rest of her life. I honestly think she thinks you're sorted financially and she's right on that score. Perhaps when you reach 60 plus, you might have a different outlook on life. Especialy if you have an entitled DD whose disapproval is obvious when you've just booked a holiday

Thank god my 3 adult children love that we're enjoying our retirement.

If you live in South Africa OP, you should count your blessings about what you have, as you know how poor people live here, many millions of people here haven’t had anything like the education or opportunities you have had, and you should know that very well , some can’t even afford to eat, and you are bleating about what you don’t have! Seriously get some counselling about your feelings, and have a sense of how fortunate you are in many ways.

Turtle has a point. It sounds like op got left to it as a child. Money becomes a proxy for love. I’m sorry you are struggling op but get some counselling, it will prob help you sort out why you feel the way you do.

@Elefantinbed I think you are going to get very far asking here. You like me are African and there are big cultural differences. Life is more communal and everyone looks forward to leaving an inheritance to their kids.

Wow. You are coming across as very entitled and clearly live in a world where expectations are very different to reality for a lot of people.

YABVVVVVVVU

Presumably when she 'becomes immobile', she'll use the fuckton of money she has earned from a career as a doctor, the value of her house and her investments to remain independent and then support herself if she requires care?

I note that you say she 'only' gives gifts to her grandchildren? She doesn't even have to do that with her own money.

Children are hard work. Children who prefer to go into boarding school rather than stay with their parents where they have both moved thousands of miles to make a better life for everybody will have been even harder work until the point at which they leave. She could well have felt incredibly rejected and hurt, but gave you what you wanted nonetheless.

Your father chose to return to SA on retirement. Does that mean he left her? It's hardly her fault he chose to do that and was then 'miserable', is it?

You have half the value of a house in the UK, which, if it was owned by two doctors, is likely to be a hell of a lot of money. I don't know about the costs in SA, but I'm going to assume it's not the equivalent of a 1 bedroom flat in a shitty council estate.

You've still got the hump because you couldn't piss around before/after University for a year or so?

Look outside your fucking windows at the world around you. Look at the poverty that surrounds you (although I suspect you probably don't see that much of it where you live, so perhaps a bit of googling might help there) and appreciate your fucking privilege instead of whining that your Mum was busy paying for it and it's not fair that you aren't as stinking rich as other people you know.

I'm sorry you don't like your mother and don't feel she has or ever will be the mother you want her to be.
The sooner you come to terms with that and make peace with it, the better for you. I would think about possibly some counselling would be a good idea.

The money is not the point here although you are coming across as spectacularly entitled and ungrateful because of it.

My dad is 82.

I am happy that he is a SKIN (Spending His Kids Inheritance Now) - spending his money on long trips twice a year to SA to see his lady friend (I was born there, although we've been in the UK for c55 years) He reconnected with her a few year ago at a Uni reunion - she was his best friend at Uni's girl friend and she is very aware of my mum & dad's love story , so I don't feel at all threatened by her (not that it would be my place, even if I did ).

In fact, db and I are encouraging him to fly at least a couple of the sectors on the way out (he goes via Dubai) Business Class. He deserves it . (The last few years of my mum's life were tough on all of us - she had an accident while they were "gallivanting" living life to the fullest on a cycling holiday in India which effectively killed her 6 years later ).

My view - and the one I was brought up in - is that the biggest gift I can give our ds is the ability to stand on his own feet and make a good life for himself. He's now at Uni and well on his way

YABU.

This is either a reversve or it's this >> Your parents were not there for you in an emotional sense

Private school, help with university costs and a sizable inheritance seem pretty good so I can only assume this isn't what it appears or it's a lack of emotional bonding or support.

Wow! You are a greedy, entitled, ungrateful and deeply unpleasant person OP. Good for your mother, she worked hard, so should have a great retirement. I would leave you nout but a wet fart!