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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Dinner - AIBU

682 replies

Redlioness123 · 23/10/2019 19:15

I'm just really interested to know whether I am BU or not, as my husband thinks I'm being controlling

I have made a lasagne today. It's not something we have often so I spent a bit of time on it making it from scratch etc. I also cut a nice salad to go along with it and I was planning to make some seasoned wedges before serving around 7.15pm (the time we eat most days).

DH arrived home from work around 6.30. Claimed he was starving, I told him what was for dinner and to have a banana or something (Lasagne is already made and is staying warm at the bottom of the oven)

I went out the kitchen to do something and returned after 5 mins to see that he has helped himself to a ginormous serving of the lasagne and begins complimenting me about delicious it is. I got visibly annoyed and asked why he couldn't have something else or at the very least, a tiny portion rather than a dinner-sized portion. His response was that he is only going to have a small spoon of it when we sit down for dinner and have a plate made up mainly of salad and wedges instead Hmm

I've left him to it but it's pissed me off so much - he does this all the time and I think it's so disrespectful to someone who's been slaving away in a kitchen to just dip into a hot dinner they've made like it's a snack. Is it weird that I would want to eat it and enjoy it together?? Maybe I'm just being silly - it would be great to get opinions!

Also I'm not sure if it's relevant but I work full time too and usually try to get home much earlier than DH to make a start on his snack dinner

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 15:21

DappledThings

And in our house we are considerate and pleasant. We aim not to do things that upset the other person, and we aim not to overreact to things that aren’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. My DH wants his lasagne early? Cool. I want to eat with our three year old and ask him to sort himself something while I go to yoga? Cool. We don’t get upset about trivia.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 15:25

My DH wants his lasagne early? Cool. I want to eat with our three year old and ask him to sort himself something while I go to yoga? Cool. We don’t get upset about trivia.

But in this case he wanted to eat early at the expense of doing anything to partake in the routine of looking after a small child and getting them to bed. Totally selfish and without any consideration. He also didn't ask anything, just cracked on for himself. I don't find the total disregard for anyone but himself trivial at all.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 15:26

DappledThings

And I have already said, if this happened frequently, yes it would annoy me. As an occasional thing, no.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 15:29

I have already said, if this happened frequently, yes it would annoy me. As an occasional thing, no.

Fair enough. Even as an isolated incident it would piss me off. Someone asking to eat early because they had another commitment to get out to woul be totally different.

CormacMcLaggen · 24/10/2019 15:34

Playing the cool wife is totally fine, but so is calling your DH out on his rude and selfish behaviour.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 15:42

CormacMcLaggen

If that “cool wife” thing is directed my way, it’s thoroughly misdirected. I am quite chilled, but not about the things that matter. I just don’t think the occasional breach of etiquette at home when you are tired is important.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 15:42

Someone asking to eat early because they had another commitment to get out to woul be totally different.

But not just because they are really tired and need some energy? Yes, for me, it’s odd that anyone would take that personally.

cacklingmags · 24/10/2019 15:46

He is a greedy disrespectful sod.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 15:46

But not just because they are really tired and need some energy?

Maybe, and if they actually asked and acknowledged that they were opting out of parenting at the point because they were just so tired. But that isnt what this guy did.

I would find it quite odd for a healthy adult to be that desperate to eat immediately when they know a full meal is imminent.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 15:52

I would find it quite odd for a healthy adult to be that desperate to eat immediately when they know a full meal is imminent.

But we’re not all the same. Sometimes I am really, really hungry, and have been for a couple of hours. In that circumstance, with a ready meal that I could eat in front of me, I wouldn’t see why I needed to wait. I would eat and then do the chores that needed doing. And I would be the person making that decision, not my DH.

woodchuck99 · 24/10/2019 15:53

I would find it quite odd for a healthy adult to be that desperate to eat immediately when they know a full meal is imminent.

Seriously?! Have you never been really really hungry by the time you get home from work?!

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 15:54

Fair enough. I'd find you rude and odd. DH would find me the same but it obviously works for you.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 15:55

DappledThings

Well, indeed.

userxx · 24/10/2019 16:09

Seriously?! Have you never been really really hungry by the time you get home from work?!

Not to the point of scoffing food that someone else has made.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 16:11

Not to the point of scoffing food that someone else has made.

I think people seem to feel a level of ownership over food that I have never expected. I make most of our meals but I don’t feel proprietorial about them, at all. I just happen to cook because I am here. If we were both working full time it would be 50:50. I don’t feel the need to doff my cap to the cook, as it were, and I don’t need my DH to do that for me.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 16:15

Seriously?! Have you never been really really hungry by the time you get home from work?!

Of course I have. But even if I felt unable to wait the approximately 45 minutes OP had said it would take to get DC to bed and the meal finished I would grab some crackers or something to to tide me over because I'm not rude and inconsiderate.

Even being "really, really hungry" I can't imagine not being able to wait such a short time. Seems really childish.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 16:17

Hmm. Whereas I see more childishness in sitting on a meal while someone else is hungry.

DappledThings · 24/10/2019 16:21

sitting on a meal while someone else is hungry.

Clearly if the household expectation is that everyone just grabs whatever they want whenever they want it then that's fine. My expectation is that if a meal is prepared for more than one person then all people will eat together. Until this thread I would have thought that was a totally standard expectation.

I certainly would find it childish if someone couldn't be bothered waiting and by doing so ignored their parenting responsibilities as OP's husband did.

Expecting to eat together isn't childish if a meal has been prepared for everyone.

woodchuck99 · 24/10/2019 16:23

Of course I have. But even if I felt unable to wait the approximately 45 minutes OP had said it would take to get DC to bed and the meal finished I would grab some crackers or something to to tide me over because I'm not rude and inconsiderate.

I don't think it a good idea to snack just before a meal. It either causes people to lose their appetite or makes them put on weight. If the meal is ready then to me there wouldn't be much point in waiting for the sake of it. I appreciate that OP does mind and that is something her DH should be mindful of but I don't think it is rude to eat until her say so per se or odd to be very very hungry and not want to wait for 45 minutes.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 16:23

This reply has been deleted

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woodchuck99 · 24/10/2019 16:25

Clearly if the household expectation is that everyone just grabs whatever they want whenever they want it then that's fine. My expectation is that if a meal is prepared for more than one person then all people will eat together. Until this thread I would have thought that was a totally standard expectation.

Well yes but it's not just your expectation that matters. Your and OPs DH should have an equal say in how food is eaten. Clearly he has agreed to eat together even if it means waiting but he wouldn't have to agree to that.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 16:27

And “house rules” and “household expectations” cover many autocratic sins, in my experience.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/10/2019 16:28

I wonder what the poor man would have done if the lasagne wasn’t ready to eat. Would he have survived?

But woodchuck by eating early OP’s DH was hungry by 10pm so ate a fish finger sandwich.

userxx · 24/10/2019 16:32

seaweedandmarchingbands - its not ownership of the food, just basic manners. The OP said she's made an effort with the food, cooked from scratch and spent time on it. He could have had the decency to wait until she was ready to sit down.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 24/10/2019 16:36

The OP said she's made an effort with the food, cooked from scratch and spent time on it.

Usually, if that’s the norm in their family, that’s fine. Here, whether I’ve cooked from scratch or not (and I have yet to see that term defined!) a situation where there was dinner in a warming drawer and my DH was struggling with hunger wouldn’t give rise to such a dilemma: he would be welcome to eat. It just wouldn’t bother me as an occasional thing and I struggle to see why anyone would make such a big deal out of it.