To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

[itsgoodtobehome]

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

Gosh @catspyjamas123, what a cheerful thought! I'm very sorry for what you went through but not all marriages are slavery. Strange thread to spread bitterness on!

If I go our for lunch with friends, we might sometimes have a bottle of champagne. My DH would never contemplate this as he thinks it's a waste of money. But, he doesn't get to have an opinion about what I spend MY money on and that's the point I am trying to make.

ah, it all makes sense now, and it's exactly what I was writing above

I don't need separate bank accounts because my DH is not controlling and I don't need to hide my spending from him - and vice versa.

I can understand people who feel safer having a separate account, why not, but all that ridiculous sneaking around sound childish and unhealthy.

when I was on maternity leave, I continued to contribute towards the joint accounts as I got maternity pay. Childcare costs have always been split equally out of our joint accounts. When I worked PT, then our contributions into the joint accounts reflected our different earnings

Then your company was very generous, mine paid 3 months full pay, what was I going to do after that? Dump my child into childcare to show that i was "pulling" my weight financially?!

Ultimately no partner in a couple raising a family should be living disproportionately to the other.

OP, can you contemplate that many women have joint finances for their entire married lives with none of the issues you seem to want / need them to have?

All relationships are different. People do not all conform to your world vision.

Please don’t tell me what I need to learn. I’ve neen married nearly 20 years.

The only “insightful comments” you entertain are those that fit your agenda.

If I gave you another type of “insight” - eg I havent earned a penny for many years and how / why they works for us, you wouldn’t be able to entertain it. That’s not what you want to hear is it, so your mind is closed?

She was being financially abused, even though on the surface they had equal access to the money

This made me smile as what is reasonable spending is open for disagreement. In such instance, people tend to downgrade their spending and convince themselves that most spend is a need.

At the moment, I'm debating whether getting some expensive headphones are a need or a luxury. Need because I'd use them a lot and it would motivate me at the gym. Luxury because I could buy one much cheaper, it just wouldn't give me the same enjoyment.

Really it's a luxury, but it would be so easy to convince myself that's a need! Being told that something we consider s need is really an extravagance is not forcibly financial abuse!

In my case, it's my money from my account, so it doesn't matter.

Ah yes, the old “bitterness” comment. Bitterness is just another word for resenting injustice. It’s also a word used to put down women who highlight the injustice. Great solidarity MumsNet!

ThatMuppetShow - wow you have jumped to an awful lot of conclusions there. My DH is absolutely not controlling, and I don't do any sneaking around. I will quite happily tell him that me and my friends had a bottle of champagne at lunch. It just wouldn't be his choice to spend money on that. Likewise, I wouldn't choose to spend what he does on cycling gear. That's why we have our own money - so we can make our own choices. You have a very cynical view of people if you took my comment to me having a controlling husband and sneaking around. That actually made me laugh!!

Of course!

So we do pay most of our wages into the joint account to cover bills and the remainder of our individual money is totally up to us. I honestly think this is the fairest way of handling things.

I don't need separate bank accounts because my DH is not controlling and I don't need to hide my spending from him - and vice versa

If there's enough money to pay for all the extravagances both indulge in without getting into debts, there are no issues.

The problem with it is when one abused it when the other is cutting down, because they want to save or because there's not enough for the extravagances of both.

If I gave you another type of “insight” - eg I havent earned a penny for many years and how / why they works for us, you wouldn’t be able to entertain it. That’s not what you want to hear is it, so your mind is closed?

Ah - now you are being honest. Why didn't you just say that to start with instead of all the snarky comments? It's absolutely your choice (and presumably your husband's) for you not to work. I don't have a problem with that at all. I suspect though that you possibly do though, hence your very defensive comments. If it works for you, the just own it - no need to be so defensive about it. Or maybe, secretly, you would love to have a job and feel the satisfaction of earning your own money?

Totally agree with Op. my mother has always taught me to take care of your own money.!!

Absolutely and it’s up to each couple to run their finances best for them!

We’re married and have 1 DC and planning another. I work 4 days a week and DH works 5. He earns (from his job) 4K more than me a year but I have a property in my own name which I get about 15k a year from but I also pay all the mortgage/bills/tax on income for that property so after all of that we are about even (though he does tend to get slightly higher bonuses than me so he pays his mother some expenses money for looking after our DC).

We’ve always split everything else 50/50 (so mortgage on home we own jointly, bills, groceries, meals out etc) which we do using credit cards linked to one account and having joint accounts for mortgage, utilities etc.

The rest of our money is ours to spend as we like but neither of us really spend excessively and we know that we’re on the same page in terms of moving further up the property ladder/pensions/future plans so we “check in” with one another from time to time as to how much we have saved.

What might need slightly more thought is that I’m thinking of selling my property and what then happens to that cash (as will be about 300k). DH sold his recently but that netted 86k so there is disparity there

OP, if I wanted a job, then I would just get one, wouldn’t I?

If I were single, it's likely that I wouldn't have children who need childcare so it would be far easier for me to work full time 🙄

I work part time, and because of the sacrifices I made in my career, for the benefit of our family (of whom DH is a member), it is reasonable that he supports me financially so I don't lose out. My FTE are not far off DH's salary and I imagine I would get closer in the event that I went back full time as I'd be considered for promotions which aren't suitable for how little I'm there at the moment.

As it stands, we pool our money, pay everything out of the pool (including childcare, mobile bills, savings, things for the children - the lot) and then split what's left so we have equal spends. It works well for us and it means that when our income fluctuates (like, for example, when I was on maternity leave) it's not borne by just one of us.

Alternatively I could just bill DH for the childcare I do for his children when I'm not at work. I can assure you that this is a better deal for him.

I'd not be relinquishing financial independence for any man. Children or not.

Thank you MsAwesomeDragon this is exactly what I have been trying to get at. Sorry to hear about your sister, but you have made probably the best comment on here.

You are completely missing that poster's point. She was being financially abused, even though on the surface they had equal access to the money.

Financial abuse can happen with joint accounts or with separate accounts. It is abuse and is not acceptable regardless of the set up.

My biggest regret is leaving work to be a SAHM. I don't have an income, only whatever child tax credits I get (which is extremely low) it never use to bother me until I realised I have no money and i needed stuff! Thankfully in the new year I will have my own business and my independence back! My husband is great but it's the feeling of asking.. I hate it!

itsgoodtobehome

I am not jumping to any conclusions, I am just quoting your very own post! You need your own money to make your own decisions?!?

Wow, sorry, but that sound pretty shocking to read. See, in a normal relationship it's perfectly possible to have complete freedom to spend (spare) money when you have join bank accounts. I am amazed you don't seem to comprehend that - it doesn't say much about your own relationship does it.

@itsgoodtobehome please don’t make assumptions. For the first time the job up suits me (project managing rather than people) but with DD starting grammar school in September and all the stuff that brings with DH just getting his big promotion it was the right time
Family life and the children would suffer.

It’s interesting though that for all the many examples of financial abuse with separate accounts you focus on the one with a joint

As long as both parties are happy what does it matter what is your problem. That I get to do the PTA school stuff that I get to spend time with my children.
You sound jealous

The problem with it is when one abused it when the other is cutting down, because they want to save or because there's not enough for the extravagances of both.

true, but that goes back to having an unhealthy relationship in the first place. If you need a separate account, there's something wrong somewhere.
If you feel safer, that's a different scenario.

I am just as financially independent with a separate or a join account! We are married anyway.

Quartz2208
please never feel the need to justify your choice to an OP who seems to have bad issues and can only trying to make themselves feel better if they need to attack others. And doesn't take kindly when people reply!

I would be quite happy to spend my husbands money on expensive shoes, and I'm not, nor have ever been, a SAHM.
If the money was there and he bought a pair of expensive shoes for himself I would be very pleased, as he hates spending money on things like that for himself and will walk around in Primark trainers given the chance.
Surely part of a loving relationship is that you actually want the other one to have nice things?

It’s not unhealthy to want to be in control of your own life. It’s actually unhealthy to want to be absorbed into some dubious partnership arrangement. You can never trust the other person! Never again.

catspyjamas123
but the point is that being married, and sharing finances has never stopped me being in control of my own life. If I can't trust my DH, then really we shouldn't stay married, should we. We are married and living together because it makes our life easier - and make us happy funnily enough - it's not a business arrangement that you have to put up with!

DH and I have always had separate accounts - we have a joint account in 1 institution which we HAD to open to allow mortgage cheques go through when we were doing an extension and needed multiple drawdowns from the account, we now use that as a spare savings account.

He has always paid the mortgage, I have generally paid the utilities, insurances and food bills, we each pay for our own cars (although we often will cover something for the other as needed) etc.

We each have our own savings accounts and provide for our pensions (because we have slightly different habits - although we DO both have savings).

I tend to do most of the buying of DD's clothes, gifts for Christmas and birthdays, stationary supplies etc - but DH will organise the sports gear, school books, etc. And we split holiday expenses, often it depends mostly on who has time to organise all these things (I tend to build a stock of items in a gift closet situation, while DH is somewhat more last minute, but great at Amazon on the fly!).

If either of us is ever stuck, we will ask for help from the other. Mostly it's offered before it's needed - even things like knowing that I keep a small stash of cash in the safe (mostly so I can always find money for a takeaway delivery on a Friday night if I really need to!), and just letting me know to top it up, or that one of us has a lot of travel for work so needs their credit card available for hotels and can the other cover the general household for that month etc.

For us, it works. But we are open with each other about where things are and our needs. We earn enough that we have flexibility. And we look at the overall budget together periodically to see if the balance is fair between us (not necessarily 50/50, but suitably proportional so we each have spare capacity and looking at what things its easiest for each of us to pay).