To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

[itsgoodtobehome]

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

No way would I feel comfortable spending DH's money on an expensive pair of shoes.

That's your issue. If both partners contribute equally, albeit in different ways, they are both facilitating the levels of earnings of the other. One partner keeping a significantly higher proportion of the joint earnings for their own use is a selfish, inconsiderate individual who I would not want to be with.

We both work but I'm part time and he's full time, it all goes in one account and we buy what we want or need as long as its not too extravagant. Obviously if it's expensive we save that for a birthday gift. I may earn less but I look after the children and the dog cookx clean and run the household. Imagine what I'd be earning if I charged for all the things I do! We're a family so we both pay as a family. I can't imagine ever having to ask DH for money. Although we do swap change if needed obviously.

@itsgoodtobehome

I dont think you can get how other relationships work though. I have similar I am on 22k (PT at home working a lot) DH is on 66k. A job opportunity recently came up that would push me onto 45-50k. But it would be full time.

We discussed it - the costs involved in doing so (at the moment I do all but one pick up a week with my hours my parents do when I am in the office) in terms of before and after school care, the impact of the children in doing so and then most importantly the impact on HIM of me taking on a full time job.

No more would I be able to do all the pick ups and drop off, 70% of the housework, 70% of our admin, 100% of the children's admin and pretty much all of the time of sick (my job is very flexible). I would need to be in the office more with meetings etc so things would have to change. In the end with the children being the ages they are and he is newly promoted and travelling a lot the decision was made together

Now if I were single I would have been on the 50k job a long time ago (it came up when DD was little) and happily working full time. If we were childless again I would have been on it and we would both be earning these amounts. But I am not and we made the decision to have children together.

At the beginning actually I earned more and supported him through his OU degree. When DD was born I went to 3 days and he did 4.

But (as is sadly usual) promotion opportunities came his way and he took them - the balance of illness/admin etc became far more what it is now!

We are reasonably well off and spend money together. His hobby is running which apart from going through trainers is cheap. I on the other hand have a cheap gym membership.

Your way works for you but stop being so judgmental that people who do it differently have one freeloading of the other. I do not such thing

Separate accounts sounds sensible to me. But isn’t it all a moot point if you divorce or one of you dies? Ie isn’t (one of the) point of marriage that you share assets ? One of the main reasons I am not married.

if both work, earn similar, no childcare bills, then of course it does matter if you pool the finances or not. What an odd post confused

I already said that we pool our money for childcare costs. I am talking about the money that is leftover......no need to be confused

Why do you care enough to keep posting sanchezz

Quart2208 - I work FT and do all of the admin, school type things you mention. I think you are just making excuses as to why you didn't take the £50k job. Bottom line is, you didn't want to. Which is fine by the way, just don't make excuses about admin, homework etc. Most people manage to do this as well as work full time.

Still not me sanchezz - you can say it however many times you want, but I have never started a thread about this before. And if it offends you so much, why are you here and commenting? For what it's worth, there has been some really interesting comments on here. And then you come along with your oh so insightful contributions......if you are going to join a discussion on a thread, at least make it worthwhile instead of just throwing out insults.

The only insult on here is that you are accusing women of “freeloading.” Simply because they are SAH or earn less than their DH.
But you already know that.

I think OP is failing to address legitimate questions about maternity leave and when people have 2 preschoolers that would cost a lot in childcare.
I think its sad that there seems to be no value placed on SAHPing

I hang around through work and friendship with men who are bigger earners than their wife, most who don't work or work pt and it always surprise me how often they complain about their wife's spending habit, which I have to say coming from them seem to include a lot of extravagant and regular spending trips but when I query why if it annoys/upset them so much, the response is usually that they tried, that it led to many arguments and they can't be bothered with the conflict so just let them get on with it although it really pissed them off.

I think it's really sad that some marriages are built on such attitude to each other in regards to money.

Well what point would you like me to put forward OP? What is the answeryou’re looking for?

“All SAHPs and those who have joint finances with their high-earning husbands are sponging leeches because I say so?”

Will that do?

I bring home almost twice what dh does. We have separate accounts, but the money in those separate accounts is considered (by both of us) joint money. We pay different bills, so I pay mortgage, childcare, child expenses, he pays utilities and food. We end up with similar amounts of individual spending money each month. He saves a lot of his, I like to spend mine on days out/fun activities. He just had an inheritance from an uncle which he used to pay off a chunk of the mortgage (so we have both benefited). His savings are his safety net for if we ever split up (we aren't currently planning on it, but who knows what the future might hold). I don't feel the need for a similar safety net because I have a decent enough salary that I could continue to fund my lifestyle on my own.

My sister and her ex had all their money in a single joint account. They theoretically had the same access to the account, but he would go through the statement every month and berate her for spending anything on herself, and often tell her of for buying things the kids needed, while still buying himself games consoles, etc. She was being financially abused, even though on the surface they had equal access to the money.

onlyfoolsnmothers - when I was on maternity leave, I continued to contribute towards the joint accounts as I got maternity pay. Childcare costs have always been split equally out of our joint accounts. When I worked PT, then our contributions into the joint accounts reflected our different earnings.

I think a lot of people have missed the point here. We do have joint accounts that pay for anything that is family related - bills, mortgages, kids stuff. My point is that we still have our own money to do our own thing with. If I go our for lunch with friends, we might sometimes have a bottle of champagne. My DH would never contemplate this as he thinks it's a waste of money. But, he doesn't get to have an opinion about what I spend MY money on and that's the point I am trying to make.

It makes no difference. If you are a saver and he is a spender he will strip you of your savings in a divorce - even taking the cash that was there to help your kids. Marriage is slavery. My abusive ex took the money saved for uni fees and is not obliged to support kids over 18. He took out far far more than he ever put in. Weddings are for mugs.

Each to their own. We have both our own and some joint. I don't think anyone really cares what others do with their money.

I think a lot of people could do this when one parent doesn't work and so it has to be done. Then if they go back to work it's just stays the same.

Pool ours together and after bills buy what we like. I earn much more than DH but he enables me to do so by taking a lot of the pressure off elsewhere meaning he works around me. Also we can't be bothered having separate accounts as it's pointless the way we work.

However, either way is right if it works for you