To think that it’s absolutely fine to still have your own money when you are married?

[itsgoodtobehome]

I read so many threads on here about how all money is joint money once you are married. I don’t get it! I am married. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own individual accounts. We then make a regular payment each into a joint bills account (pays all bills, mortgage etc) and a joint spends account (pays for shopping, meals out, family activities, kids stuff etc). The rest is individually ours to do what we want with. I would hate to not have my own money to be able to spend as I like - clothes, lunches out with friends, gym, fitness classes, and DH is the same with his hobby and own pursuits.

However Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong. Am I the only one that thinks like this?

We have a joint account - I'm an SAHM (and love it!!!!!) and DH works FT. I contribute equally to our marriage - the only thing I don't contribute is money, but I do everything else in our home, running the finances (I know more about them than DH), DC, everything. If I didn't DH's career wouldn't have been able to flourish.

It's never been "his" money or "my" money (when I did work). After 30 years of marriage I know he'd be horrified if he thought I considered it like that. I don't "sponge" off him, I am not a freeloader, nor a charity that needs "housekeeping money" thrown at them. We are partners. If we didn't respect each other's choices then our marriage wouldn't work. But it does, because we do.

I would never judge anyone else for having separate accounts, and indeed many of my friends do just that. But a joint account works for us (and has for many, many years), and I frankly couldn't give a baboon's bottom whether anyone else approves of it or not. :)

Exactly Quartz. If a man is financially abusive, he’ll be financially abusive whether you’re working or not and regardless of how much you earn. This is a very unfortunate personality trait.

DH earns about 30% more than me. We get paid in to our personal accounts but then keep a set (same) amount each in our accounts as personal spends and put the rest in to a joint account. Out of the joint we pay all bills, food shopping, meals out and a direct debit in to our savings which we then use for holidays, home improvements, birthday / Christmas presents for family etc.

We did used to just put everything in the joint and then use it for personal spending too, but we ended up bickering because we have quite different attitudes to money - I'm very frugal and although I'm happy to spend money on experiences like travel, I see buying things like takeaways, and barista coffee as a total waste of money. DH thinks nothing of spending literally hundreds a month on coffee and takeouts and it used to really piss me off. So we decided to keep a set amount each aside for our personal spending and if he wants to waste spend all of his on coffee and Deliveroo that's fine by me. We never argue about money now. We also buy birthday and Christmas presents for each other out of our personal spends by the way - the idea of those coming out of the joint account is weird to us.

We are trying to have a baby and if that eventually happens I will work less but the ways we handle our finances will stay the same - we're both happy with this. We're a team and that includes financially for us. I don't think there's a right or wrong though - as long as you both feel that your finances are fair that's the important thing.

We have our own money and both have more than enough individually. We each would make funds available to the other here and there where needed.

We put it all in the pot then take the same amount of spending money each.
Works for us

This is what we do (personally I think it's the best way as you don't tend to have disagreements what you've spent your leftover cash on once you've contributed to the joint account). It works for a lot of couples.

I also think a wife leaves herself in a vulnerable position a the marriage when she doesn't have her own savings but that's just my opinion.

We both have our own savings accounts necessary to get the tax free allowance each. Weirdly DH also still have his own account as he still has the student overdraft so we have his as eell

Own savings? Isn't it s luxury for most families to have joint savings, let alone personal savings!

“He’s always been crap with money. Here's the punchline: he's an accountant.“ not really surprising lots of accountants are crap with their own money, I think it’s not wanting to “work” outside of work, like many cooks/chefs I know don’t cook except at work.

I’m not missing the point at all! Even with luxuries why should the one earning less due to JOINT decisions made by the couple or the societal unfairness of eg women still earning vastly less than men miss out when the couple are supposed to be a union, a partnership in all things? Why did you bother getting married if you don’t believe in that?

Op I don’t know what was in the deleted posts but your post at 1210 is appalling! Your prejudice against sahp is laid bare not to mention your clear antagonism towards sanchezz! Reported btw!

I’ve been a full time working mum, sahm, pt working mum, full time student mum, married mum and single mum...

Absolutely NOTHING wrong with any of those choices. You seem vehemently anti sahp and you seem to see them as morally lacking - which is a disgusting attitude!

“Someone is trying to make themselves feel better by the sound of it.” Totally agree!

“you haven't got kids, have you?” Yes even though op CLAIMS they have dc I’m beginning to doubt that too from their attitudes and comments.

“I haven’t made any comment on here about people’s choices” you absolutely have!

“and how you need to be at home to do all the housework and admin - as that really doesn’t take all day every day!!” That really depends on the circumstances of the family concerned! Just because it doesn’t take you a lot of time doesn’t mean that’s true for others.

I agree you are massively blinkered/narrow minded you seem plain incapable of understanding let alone accepting that different families have different needs and demands.

YANBU. I like being financially independent

I just don’t make a big song and dance about all the sacrifices I have to make, and how hard it is. Because actually I don’t find it particularly hard!

good for you.

Not everybody has it as easy as you.

Certainly as far as the law is concerned you are financially joined and all income and most assets are joint.

No, this isn't true, in England. Whatever wrong impression marriage vows may give you, what's only in your name belongs only to you, even when married. It's divorce, not marriage, that forces everything to be shared.

Using the word 'sacrifice' draws on empathy and an expectation of awe for being so selfless. I don't consider this to be the case where there is an element of choice that comes with benefits to the person.

the benefits are for the children, not the parent, so of course it's a sacrifice.

I hate these debates of working parents vs stay at home when the smug working parents feel the need to appear superior. I am a full time mum of 4. I am telling you a working parent is nowhere near superior, but some clearly always need to make themselves feel better.

I am a full time mum of 4. I am telling you a working parent is nowhere near superior, but some clearly always need to make themselves feel better.

But aren't you doing the same? You're saying you're superior to all working parents? Presumably you consider your husband "nowhere near superior"?

I can see people still have lack of understanding and respect for each others veiws and points. Why do mums turn against each other rather that support and encourage?

Everybody's circumstances are different therefore will have a different point! Everyone has the right to defend if they feel they are being attacked or challenged about there choice. Why not choice a nicer comeback rather than be mean!

SAHM are not freeloaders. They have huge pressures/demands/choices to make jus like working mums!

We are all trying to keep little people alive and well. Somewhere in between we mess up. Money is money it can always be made.

Just be bloody kinder to one another because you are all right in your own way!!

RiddleyW

what are you on about? I am saying that working parents are not superior to stay-at-home parents, despite what so many posters are claiming here.

Where do you get that "I" am superior in there?

Oh, apologies RiddleyW
I didn't see it immediately, what I meant to write was

I am a full time WORKING mum of 4....

Aaaah that makes sense now!

Most children I know go to school when they are 4, so fair enough you might stay at home with them until then, but that's only 4 years which is only a small proportion of a working life.

OP, how old are your DC? wrap around childcare can be a challenge, school holiday childcare too (breakfast club opens at 8 and after school club finishes at 5:30 - tricky with a long commute) and I cannot get any type of childcare for my severely disabled child (no clubs, no childminder, no nothing).

live was easy whilst the DC were in full time nursery. The nightmare started for us with school!

RiddleyW
yes, must do, sorry about that!

@swingofthings you've quoted me out of context; I quite clearly said I'd sacrificed within my career for my family - I've pulled it back rather than gone for the promotions which require more hours and more input than I have been able to give. I did not say I'd sacrificed my career completely, but for the past seven years I have had other priorities which have probably benefited my DH and DC more than it has me, but I've done it for the good of our whole family.

For reference, my profession does fit one of your examples of actual careers, I'm well respected within my field and am at a senior level - which is partly what has given me the opportunity to go part time. Right now I'm only doing enough to keep my hand in; this may change in the future.

We have a joint account and my DH pays his salary into it. I also have my own account which my much lower salary gets paid into. This works for us.

Can I just make it clear that I started this thread about joint bank accounts, and how I enjoyed having a bit of financial independence. I never even mentioned SAHMs vs working mums. That little grenade was thrown in by Sanchezz who clearly decided to interpret it as that so that should could post some insults (which have since been deleted).

I haven't said a thing about SAHMs being inferior.

and my original reply was that it was fine to organise your finance how you like it.

What I am querying is the need for one separate bank account to have independence, and to be free to spend money on what you want. I can't for the life of me understand why people feel the need to hide things from their partner. In my own experience - and that's only mine - having joint bank accounts has never stopped me from being independent.