Friend A cancelling for a better offer with friend B. AIBU?

[KentuckyBourbonWhiskey]

I have two friends, I’ll call them A and B. We studied and lived together for a few years in our teens/20s and are still close 20+ years later. I had DC many years before they did so I would say they grew closer as friends for a time as they were still doing clubbing, Ibiza hols etc while I had babies.

Now friend B has small children so she has been coming to me for advice a lot more. The dynamics have changed a lot as I’ll see friend B with the kids sometimes but I’ll also see A as we like going to the same gigs. And sometimes we meet altogether.

I’ve been quite down for a while due to various things (I’m having counselling) and friends have been very supportive up until now. Friend A and I had tickets to a concert that was booked early this year. Friend B not particularly into the band so it was just the two of us. The show is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Both friend A and B popped round for a few glasses of wine yesterday and I mentioned the concert coming up, and was looking forward to it, and I’ve had to take an annual leave day for it as I was due to work that evening. Friend A looks awkward and then says she can no longer go as she’s away for that weekend. Is very cagey about where she’s going.

I was quite surprised and said that She hadn’t given me much notice to cancel, but shit happens, I then said “hey friend B, I know you’re not really into that band but would you take the ticket and come with me?” and then she looked awkward and explained that she was going on the weekend away with A and a bunch of our other mutual friends and all their partners for B’s birthday.

I couldn’t help but feel crushed as I sat in my living room knowing that not only had the original plans been tossed aside but I had hardly been given any notice to find another friend to go with (it’s not a pop act, it’s more niche I guess). No mention of a refund or giving me the tickets. And of course the realisation that I hadn’t been invited on the weekend away which did sting, I must admit. B’s children are going on the weekend so it’s not an adult only thing.

The following morning I was still really upset about it and sent a message saying I didn’t think it was right to blow out the concert without bothering to tell me. Friend A has apologised and sent me the money for my ticket back.
Friend B acknowledges it was handled badly as they were sat in my front room and it was awkward but essentially doesn’t see a problem with A’s change of plans.

AIBU to think this has been a reality check and we aren’t as good friends as I thought we were? I feel so sad and rejected.

Have they actually apologised😐

Absolutely dreadfully devious, rude, entitled, arrogant & thoughtless behaviour & the squeezing you in if your upset comment is the pits as a reply to getting caught out. I wouldn't waste my time on "friends" who made it clear I didn't matter in this way, you deserve better & id be telling them straight how rude they were on all 3 counts

They are both total bitches. How could she not even think of inviting you to the weekend?

I would be cooling off the relationships.

@KentuckyBourbonWhiskey

Hi OP, sorry this is a shitty situation

Eventhough you do things sometimes with A and sometimes with B and then sometimes A and B. Isnt a birthday something you celebrate together? Esp if mutual friends are invited too?

Crap friends, it's nothing to do with how you all do stuff separately that's a complete red herring. It's all about how one blew you off for a better offer with the other then lied about it to your face! I'd back right off, not cut them off but definitely look elsewhere for friendship now as they've shown who they really are and how important you are to them.

Hi all, thank you all so much for still continuing to respond especially as you are all so supportive.

I haven’t heard anymore from them, yes they have apologised but more for the awkward way it all came out in my house, not necessarily for the change of plans or not inviting me.

I am feeling a bit better and with clarity I can see that there have been other things that are a little different in terms of the friendship, I.e. Friend A buys B’s children birthday presents etc (they are much younger than mine) but neither have ever bought either of my children birthday gifts although they did get a gift when each child was born.

I think I have actually just become a peripheral friend to them and and embarrassingly I have not realised it. Probably because I had children in my 20s and didn’t do the whole clubbing, taking pills and cocaine thing. They have bonded with each other in a different way while I haven’t even really noticed.

I think I have actually just become a peripheral friend to them and and embarrassingly I have not realised it.*

That's a really mature way of looking at it. (Although there's nothing embarrassing about - you've got a full life and didn't feel the need to analyse and second guess friendships).

They have been pretty shitty, but I think you should just take the moral high ground. Don't mention it again, be friendly and polite when you speak to them, but just crack on with your own life and focus on people who are worth it.

Onwards and upwards

Hi op, perhaps as you say they bonded years ago while you were having children. Did the other couples going to the birthday weekend also socialise with them then. I just wonder if they have formed a clique years ago and have been meeting up for a while without inviting you (as you had young dc’s) and now they’ve got their group, that’s that.

People can be ridiculously protective of their ‘gangs’.

However, as you say your dc’s are now older and they know you’re not feeling great at the moment. For B to suggest they could squeeze you in is just awful and for A to not care about ditching your night out for fear of missing out is just crap. No-one deserves friends like this, especially when they were supposedly cheering you up.

I would message them both saying how hurt you are how their friendship has meant so much to you and how you were left feeling worse after their supportive night due to their behaviour.

B’s claim that it’s all fine as you go to concerts with A is nonsense, as you said B doesn’t like the same gigs, it’s nit that she’s excluded. Just nit the same thing at all and insulting and demeaning to you to suggest otherwise.

They are not friends, meet/make new friends who VALUE you!

It's horrible. You should been invited on the weekend.

I have just realised that I have become the peripheral friend in my group of 3 too. What an interesting phrase. 😓

Op, you seem very lovely. Drop them like a hot rock. They aren't worth worrying about and don't be embarrassed. You were living your life while they were blowing through theirs.

What really makes me cross on your behalf is the way B dismissed it all and tried to make you sound like you've been unreasonable.

Clearly nipping off for a gig or a mum's coffee morning with one or the other is very different to not being invited on a birthday weekend when there's a ton of other friends going too! A birthday weekend is a big deal and by not even seeing why you'd be upset, it shows how little you feature in their close circle. I'm so sorry xx

I would gracefully withdraw - you WILL find other friends. And ones who are genuine and appreciate you for the lovely person you seem. You can do better than this pair. They're not worth your time - ditch them now.

I think they have both treated you appallingly and I would have been super super hurt (and have been too, when I realised I was a periphery and had been totally used and lied to ). Personally I would cut all contact and focus on other positive relationships in my life. Life's too short to entertain such horrible people; they clearly aren't 'wasting their time' worrying about how they have upset you. I would not bother responding to anything from them again.

Sadly this is one of life's lessons which most of us experience in one way or another. I've had this from both friends and family, and it stings. Please keep it in mind that this reflects poorly on them as people, not on you as a friend. I think we tend to jump to the conclusion that we ourselves are lacking in some way when this kind of treatment is doled out to us. Don't allow them to treat you like a doormat or a convenient companion when there's nothing better on offer. Too often we're ashamed to admit to someone how upset we are with their behaviour and that simply leads to said behaviour being repeated.

I hope they show you more respect going forward, if you feel they're still worthy of your friendship.

I should add, it's not the doing things separately to one another that i have the problem with, it's the making plans with one to be gazumped by the other, with neither wanting to or planning to tell you and the half baked 'squeeze you in'. Friends would have addressed the whole situation differently.

Your feelings of hurt are completely valid and I would have felt exactly the same.

I heard a phrase recently though that I try to keep in mind. Never attribute to malice that which is not adequately explained by stupidity.

I doubt they deliberately set out to exclude you - I imagine there was a sequence of events which led to this and they didn't think it through or how it would hurt you. Maybe the weekend was a long-standing suggestion of one or several of the parties going and It finally got organised as a birthday weekend. It sounds like there was space restriction in size of accommodation. It may be to a venue or based around an activity they just don't associate with you and so they didn't think of you when planning.

Not minimising your hurt as I would be gutted too - but maybe not worth destroying a long term friendship over. I would be seeing how they behave going forward.

Really shitty behaviour.

Kentucky interesting update on your reflections about your friendship. I am in a similar position with a group I met in my early 20's.. First to have children & whilst we still meet up annually (live all over the country) I've realised that for a number of reasons I'm on the periphery of the friendship. Admittedly partly due to my own lack of efforts when children were younger.
With regards to the weekend away if it's with partners does your own DH get on well with the partners of A&B? I know personally that my husband struggles in large groups and hasn't formed a bond with partners of this group. Apart from special occasions like weddings, big birthdays etc this has limited my contact to girls only occasions. Also our children are quite a lot older than the others so that also changed things.
I think your friends were very thoughtless to organise the weekend when you had planned to go to the gig. It may take some time to get over this but ii think it would be a shame to lose what you have completely. If you can reassess your friendship without dumping them completely it may be a positive thing. I have done this with the group I described above - I have identified the interests we still share such as theatre trips etc and by initiatiing these myself have found I am still a valued friend who they want to spend time with. This has helped my confidence hugely rather than just walking away from the group when I initially felt low.

It’s just SO rude. I’ll go with you whatever it is!
I have friends at different phases of life but seriously that is no excuse for deliberate exclusion. I wouldn’t engage now. Keep it breezy and light and feel relieved you’ve found out where you are in the pecking order.

I do totally get why people are saying don't engage. Personally I think you should do what makes you currently happy.

Stepping away from the friendship would be very understandable. Arguably they have moved on without you.

Noting the change and accepting the current friendship ie you still go to gigs with A because you both like them is also in my book okay. Just cut back on the emotional support for either to the right level of the level of friendship that you are actually at not what you thought.

I've had to do this with my group of school friends. I pick and chose now. I make sure I can hold my head high having invited them to do things sufficiently to be polite. I've stopped being hurt by their thoughtlessness. I can't change their behaviour and have stopped trying.

I'm so sorry for you going through this OP.

I think they have both behaved very badly in different ways. A is well out of order to ditch you for 'better' plans and even more so for not even having the courtesy to tell you.

B is just rude. Is there any real reason you wouldn't have been included for her birthday? Do the others all have similar ages children and the activities wouldn't suit yours?

Either way it is hurtful though and the way she has responded just rubs salt in the wounds. I would absolutely distance yourself going forwards.

I had something a bit similar with a group of friends from my last job. There was 4 of us and we always did things as a group. There was another woman who the others were friendly with, but who had treated me very badly (spread a nasty rumour about me and reported me to HR for something completely untrue). This was known in particular by one girl in the group who had been my closest friend originally. Anyway one meet up I found out before that this girl had invited the other woman so I didn't go - I didn't create a fuss but I made it known that I wasn't comfortable spending time with someone who had treated me that way, although I had no problem with anyone else being friends with her. And then what happened was that I ended up being the one that excluded from the group 🤷‍♀️

So I do understand how you feel and I'm really sorry, but you can do better than being a second class citizen in your friendships.