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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend A cancelling for a better offer with friend B. AIBU?

146 replies

KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 22/10/2019 18:50

I have two friends, I’ll call them A and B. We studied and lived together for a few years in our teens/20s and are still close 20+ years later. I had DC many years before they did so I would say they grew closer as friends for a time as they were still doing clubbing, Ibiza hols etc while I had babies.

Now friend B has small children so she has been coming to me for advice a lot more. The dynamics have changed a lot as I’ll see friend B with the kids sometimes but I’ll also see A as we like going to the same gigs. And sometimes we meet altogether.

I’ve been quite down for a while due to various things (I’m having counselling) and friends have been very supportive up until now. Friend A and I had tickets to a concert that was booked early this year. Friend B not particularly into the band so it was just the two of us. The show is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Both friend A and B popped round for a few glasses of wine yesterday and I mentioned the concert coming up, and was looking forward to it, and I’ve had to take an annual leave day for it as I was due to work that evening. Friend A looks awkward and then says she can no longer go as she’s away for that weekend. Is very cagey about where she’s going.

I was quite surprised and said that She hadn’t given me much notice to cancel, but shit happens, I then said “hey friend B, I know you’re not really into that band but would you take the ticket and come with me?” and then she looked awkward and explained that she was going on the weekend away with A and a bunch of our other mutual friends and all their partners for B’s birthday.

I couldn’t help but feel crushed as I sat in my living room knowing that not only had the original plans been tossed aside but I had hardly been given any notice to find another friend to go with (it’s not a pop act, it’s more niche I guess). No mention of a refund or giving me the tickets. And of course the realisation that I hadn’t been invited on the weekend away which did sting, I must admit. B’s children are going on the weekend so it’s not an adult only thing.

The following morning I was still really upset about it and sent a message saying I didn’t think it was right to blow out the concert without bothering to tell me. Friend A has apologised and sent me the money for my ticket back.
Friend B acknowledges it was handled badly as they were sat in my front room and it was awkward but essentially doesn’t see a problem with A’s change of plans.

AIBU to think this has been a reality check and we aren’t as good friends as I thought we were? I feel so sad and rejected.

OP posts:
LionsHeart · 22/10/2019 20:04

Do you really need "friends" like this?

Devious, sly, hypocritical, untrustworthy backstabbers.

Back away, don't be available, grey rock them. Nothing them.

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2019 20:04

Wow they have behaves very badly. I honestly would keep them both at arms length. Have you got other friends you could spend time with, instead?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/10/2019 20:05

Next time they use the excuse, "You've been with A/B without." Tell them that might true, but you'd never exclude the other one.

I'd drop both of them.

Oblomov19 · 22/10/2019 20:11

Hurtful. Neither of them are as close a friend as you thought.

VanyaHargreeves · 22/10/2019 20:13

I really feel for you OP. Shitty disrespectful behaviour and to have the rejection thrown in your face whilst you are hosting them.

B should have been embarrassed enough to apologise for not inviting as well.

I would go silent on both of them for a while, don't go chasing their friendship, make them come to you

Thanks
Potnoodledoo · 22/10/2019 20:15

Well at least you can tell B to feck off next time she wants advice.Thats really shitty behaviour.Not having the decency to invite you but having the balls to sit there and drink with you.Barefaced wagons.

I would bin them off,with "friends" like these.

VanyaHargreeves · 22/10/2019 20:17

"Squeezing you into the air bnb if you're so pissed off" is such an obvious Reverse Victim tactic as well - trying to make you the problem

Imthevoice · 22/10/2019 20:17

There’s a huge narrative that’s built up around ‘best’ friends and those you’ve known since you were young and I think it’s harmful. I’m definitely not the same person that I was at 17 and to be honest I don’t think I would want to be friends with the same people. I’ve had different groups of friends throughout my adult life depending on location and circumstance and some have stayed and some just get Christmas cards. And some are fairly new. It’s an evolving thing and I just wanted to say that you should stay pleasant but not invest too much. Don’t cut off A and B completely but see them on your terms. And try to stay positive to new opportunities to make new friends. Don’t get defensive and cynical as your new friends are out there - you just have to find them.

Drum2018 · 22/10/2019 20:21

Pair of bitches. You shouldn't bother contacting them again and always be very busy if they bother to contact you. You need to find nicer friends and hopefully you can do that through hobbies, school parents for example.

managedmis · 22/10/2019 20:24

Friend B was embarrassed about the birthday weekend but quickly said that they have had weekends away without me before

^^

What's that saying about ye doth protest too much? She knows it's a shit thing to do

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 22/10/2019 20:30

You deserve much better friends op and I would mute them for a while until you decide how friendly you want to be with the bitches Wine

Bowerbird5 · 22/10/2019 20:31

Good advice by Imthevoice.

I would be really upset by this too. I was dropped by a friend a few years ago absolutely no idea why. I was here for her so many times then suddenly she stopped coming around and pretended they were out when I went around. I heard them. I left it up to her to come around. Bumped into her accidentally and no issues. Told her to call in but she hasn’t bothered. However not long after I was introduce to two people and one of those has become a firm friend. There for me recently and we have a laugh together. It is a more equal friendship than before. So just as Imthevoice has said new friends are out there. I ‘ll just add I am a lot older than you so just be open to new chances to make friends.

angieloumc · 22/10/2019 20:33

They're a pair of bitches. Do make sure you're not available next time either of them want to see you. You're better off without them though I know it's hurtful.

BubblesBuddy · 22/10/2019 20:34

My DD invited a lot of university “friends” to her 25th birthday celebration. They all said they were coming. One by one they said they couldn’t make it for a whole range of reasons - got to see parents, go to a wedding, they were on holiday - But there was only one reason they didn’t turn up, they all went out together and posted a pix on Facebook.

DD has very many friends and they were not really missed. However they had all decided, collectively, not to go to her event and do something else together. Every single one of them lied to her. They never got the chance to lie again. They were dumped.

This type of person just isn’t your friend. It’s hard to accept this but, quite simply, friends don’t do this. They will keep missing you out from arrangements and you will keep getting upset. Don’t let it happen. Move on. It’s now the right time to do this.

RubySlippers77 · 22/10/2019 20:36

More Flowers for you OP. What a terrible, hurtful thing to happen.

I have a friend of twenty years' standing who has cancelled on me six times in a row now with the most pathetic excuses. One was sickness (fair enough), there was one 'family emergency' but the rest have been that she double booked/ forgot me. To be honest the last two or three times I haven't even believed her that we're meeting up and just as well because we didn't!

I have no explanation for her behaviour either, I'm still polite and friendly enough (we have friends in common so can't cut her out completely) but never suggest that we meet. If you have to/ want to keep A and B in your life, I'd go the same way, just be polite but distant - and don't make any arrangements to meet up or be their wine provider again!

QueSera · 22/10/2019 20:36

So sorry OP, that is such shitty behaviour from both A and B.
But primarily B - to not invite you, presumably a good friend, on her birthday weekend. I've no idea what's going on there, aside from her just being a rotten person - certainly not a good friend.
I think most people have had that sudden, awful, painful, kick-in-the-stomach realisation that someone we thought was a very close friend actually doesn't see us the same way. It's always painful. Please know that you're not alone OP, there's rarely any explanation for it, and it's almost always for the best to know that they feel that way so you can move on. It feels like wasted time, wasted energy, wasted caring.
Unless B has some useful explanation further to what she's already said, I'd move on, as painful as it is. x

Supersimkin2 · 22/10/2019 20:38

They're not the friends you thought they were, and they're not the nice people you thought, either.

It's impossible not to be offended by that. Poor OP, that's tough when you are already feeling vulnerable.Flowers

At least you don't have to fork out for a bday present for B or a grim weekend pissup - but keep the money aside and spend it on yourself, pointedly.

Anything in life that makes you go out and look for new friends is an advantage in the long run, however.

EmmiJay · 22/10/2019 20:40

Everytime you text them, end your messages with a 🐍. You need new friends. Sneaky moos.

RueCambon · 22/10/2019 20:41

Yeh that would hurt :-(

It's going to be hard but I would take a step back now. Don't challenge them. They colluded in excluding you. There's no way that is not going to hurt. But if you say anything they're going to spin it through whatever lens they need to in order to not be bad guys. Human nature. So take a step back and wait for the hurt to pass. It will. I've been in these shoes a few times..................

I seem to have friends but I'm never anbody's best friend, so been there, got the t-shirt Brew

Ginger1982 · 22/10/2019 20:43

I'd be so hurt by this. Friend B is the worst here for her casual dismissal of you not being invited to the weekend.

You need to find better friends.

Lucifer666 · 22/10/2019 20:45

Wow what bitches with friends like these who needs enemies 🙄 OP they have made it very clear how little they value your feelings. A dropped you quick enough for a better offer and B didn't consider you enough to invite on her birthday weekend and is actually minimising your feelings by acting like its not big deal and she hasn't acted out of line. If it was me I'd tell B directly about the invite "no thank you enjoy your birthday" and leave it there. Then I'd just quietly back away and find some new friends. I'd lay money on it that they'll soon be calling on you when they want something those types always do I'm going through a similar right now and trying to walk away from a toxic friendship so I know its easier said than done to walk away from a long friendship but at the end of the day sometimes people show their true colours and once you see it you can't unsee it and you'll never feel the same about that person again no matter how they try and justify it

RueCambon · 22/10/2019 20:45

I agree with @imthevoice. Don't do anything rash like cut them both off stone dead. This is an evolution of the friendship which has been very painfully speeded up by this discovery but once some time has passed and you've accepted it and made some new friendships, you may be more than happy to accept the friendship as it exists in its later state. Iyswim.

livefornaps · 22/10/2019 21:05

Cunts

ChicCroissant · 22/10/2019 21:16

I can see why that would be upsetting OP, especially the short notice about not going to the concert - but I can see your friend's point about you all doing things separately from time to time (such as the concert). I do appreciate that it would have hurt not to be invited on to the weekend though. Be kind to yourself.

MuchBetterNow · 22/10/2019 21:16

I'm glad you're getting support on here cause you're getting nothing from this pair in RL.

Bottom line is they don't value you and you need to bin them completely or they'll destroy your self esteem forever.

So sorry this is happening to you, it's heartbreaking being let down like this. I wish you well I really do x