Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Friend A cancelling for a better offer with friend B. AIBU?

146 replies

KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 22/10/2019 18:50

I have two friends, I’ll call them A and B. We studied and lived together for a few years in our teens/20s and are still close 20+ years later. I had DC many years before they did so I would say they grew closer as friends for a time as they were still doing clubbing, Ibiza hols etc while I had babies.

Now friend B has small children so she has been coming to me for advice a lot more. The dynamics have changed a lot as I’ll see friend B with the kids sometimes but I’ll also see A as we like going to the same gigs. And sometimes we meet altogether.

I’ve been quite down for a while due to various things (I’m having counselling) and friends have been very supportive up until now. Friend A and I had tickets to a concert that was booked early this year. Friend B not particularly into the band so it was just the two of us. The show is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Both friend A and B popped round for a few glasses of wine yesterday and I mentioned the concert coming up, and was looking forward to it, and I’ve had to take an annual leave day for it as I was due to work that evening. Friend A looks awkward and then says she can no longer go as she’s away for that weekend. Is very cagey about where she’s going.

I was quite surprised and said that She hadn’t given me much notice to cancel, but shit happens, I then said “hey friend B, I know you’re not really into that band but would you take the ticket and come with me?” and then she looked awkward and explained that she was going on the weekend away with A and a bunch of our other mutual friends and all their partners for B’s birthday.

I couldn’t help but feel crushed as I sat in my living room knowing that not only had the original plans been tossed aside but I had hardly been given any notice to find another friend to go with (it’s not a pop act, it’s more niche I guess). No mention of a refund or giving me the tickets. And of course the realisation that I hadn’t been invited on the weekend away which did sting, I must admit. B’s children are going on the weekend so it’s not an adult only thing.

The following morning I was still really upset about it and sent a message saying I didn’t think it was right to blow out the concert without bothering to tell me. Friend A has apologised and sent me the money for my ticket back.
Friend B acknowledges it was handled badly as they were sat in my front room and it was awkward but essentially doesn’t see a problem with A’s change of plans.

AIBU to think this has been a reality check and we aren’t as good friends as I thought we were? I feel so sad and rejected.

OP posts:

Leflic · 23/10/2019 06:36

I think B didn’t invite you because she knew you were going to the concert that you had booked ages ago. As it’s her birthday weekend so there are limited days she can actually do it ie weekend before or weekend after; probably not an intentional snub.
A is probably a bit of a shit for not telling you as soon as B was thinking about the weekend. She seems to be sorry though giving you the money etc.
Neither you or B are really able to change the date of your plans Sinai would just say it’s one of those things.

hennythe100footbird · 23/10/2019 06:51

What a pair of utter shits. I'd give them a wide berth for a while, but I would bloody well tell them why!

Much love OP xx

SeaWitchly · 23/10/2019 08:42

I wouldn’t bother with either of them again. They are not nice people and they are not friends. I have had something similar done to me but with a ‘friend’s’ wedding, not birthday. I cut both out as just couldn’t see them in the same way again and they were not worth my time or effort.
Find yourself some better friends OP, you deserve them

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 23/10/2019 08:47

You and A go to concerts for a band you both like. B has no interest in going.

You and B hang out with kids and talk about kids. A has no kids and prefers not to.

A and B are going a birthday weekend away. You have no interest in birthdays.....hang on...

The whole excuse that sometimes you hang out in pairs doesn't stack when it comes to a general weekend away, especially as you've been on weekends away before and left the kids with DH. B just didn't want to put the effort in.
for you OP, it's hard when others don't care as much as you do.

FloraPostIt · 23/10/2019 09:26

So sorry. Don't have advice about the friends but this year I discovered the joy of going to gigs on my own. Was terrified and awkward before the first one but had AMAZING time. Did it again and had another amazing time. Doing it again next year. So maybe try going to the gig anyway. It's a different experience to going with other people - the only "negative " is the end when everyone is walking out and chatting about it. And my friends think I'm cool for doing it. Or at least they tell me they do! I think I'm cool for doing it anyway x

buckeejit · 23/10/2019 13:21

@FloraPostIt I totally agree. Before dc I started gigging alone rather than talk someone into coming & it's great. Might plan another solo gig for something I want to see coming soon. I'd actually forgotten that I could go on my own!

Brefugee · 23/10/2019 13:38

Blimey. I'd have thrown both of them out on their ear immediately with a few choice words.

B - shitty not inviting you but there it is. Her party her guests. I guess you know where you are with her and don't need to contact her again if you don't want to. I'd deffo be keeping her at arm's length.

A. No. We have convos here all the time about not letting DCs blow off an invitation to a friend's party because they get a better offer. All the freaking time. It is one thing not to have given you your ticket as soon as you gave her the money. (I love gigs - I'd be absolutely spitting feathers about missing one). It is that she has blown you off for a "better offer" and she didn't, apparently, have any intention of telling you until much later. I would be cutting her off without a backward glance - except that in your position I'd probably tell her that she's a shit and that i hope her ears turn to arseholes and shit on her shoulders. In public.

Tinkerbell1980 · 23/10/2019 17:35

How shitty of them OP, it especially stings when you've been having a rough time lately

JaneyJimplin · 23/10/2019 17:39

Ouch. I actually grimaced reading that. They have been very cruel to you. Did they explain why you weren't invited too?

I'm usually very easy going, but I think this would be a friendship ender for me.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 23/10/2019 17:46

Ouch. I would have been really hurt about that. At best they were thoughtless. I have a friend who has a rep for cancelling on us if she gets a better offer, she's done it once too often recently and she's now waaayyy down on the invite list. Oddly enough she's apparently wondering why we're keeping her at arms length now...
You should look a widening your friendship circle i think.

timshelthechoice · 23/10/2019 17:50

I think I'd end both these so-called friendships. If you can't face blocking them, just let them drift, don't make plans with them again.

Localocal · 23/10/2019 18:12

That is very hurtful behaviour, OP. I think you should write to both telling them how hurt you were to have not been invited to B's birthday party, and to have been blown off by A after making plans with her. And that they obviously knew they were being inconsiderate because they were avoiding telling you. They have upset you with their unkind behavior and should know that they have hurt you. It's probably too late for you to trust them again, but perhaps they won't be shitty to other friends in future.

Attitude84 · 23/10/2019 18:25

I agree with stuckinanutshell. That is pretty shit

Commonwasher · 23/10/2019 18:32

B sounds rather manipulative.

I hope you do something nice instead. Nobody is perfect but I think a sincere apology about the bad timing and unintentional hurt would be better than the half hearted ‘we can squeeze you in if you’re pissed off’ - which conveys all the warmth of the Antarctic.

SweetMarmalade · 23/10/2019 18:43

That sucks, OP.

Not nice that you just seem to have been ‘dumped’ for a better offer and then not invited to the better offer!

Keep them at arms length, friends don’t do that!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/10/2019 18:53

Ouch, that’s really hurtful of them.

flumposie · 23/10/2019 18:58

awful behaviour from them both. I'd start to distance yourself from them.

dayswithaY · 23/10/2019 19:07

I feel like B is the driving force behind this. Distance yourself from them both. It will be interesting to see if they try to make It up to you or stay away. If they keep their distance then you have your answer about how they really feel. Sorry but people can be weird.

Mummadeeze · 23/10/2019 19:08

Poor you. I am quite thick skinned but would have been gutted about this. V awkward situation and v mean of them. Hope you are okay.

popsadaisy · 23/10/2019 19:13

I can see why you are so upset what a horrible thing for them both to do. I would if I were you stop making an effort with both friendships and see if they try to maintain the friendship with you. You don't need friends like that

jwpetal · 23/10/2019 19:31

Both and A & B have let you down and that is awful. It is time to have a think about both these women. I hate that some people can be so deceitful. Time to move on and find women, who can treat you with respect and true friendship.

starfishmummy · 23/10/2019 19:32

Any chance you can get a ticket for the gig and still go

Jellyrunner · 23/10/2019 19:39

Something kind of similar happened to me recently, I was so upset and it really hurt, they were my school friends that I have known for 32 years. Then I started to think about my relationship with them and I realised that, while I was always included, I always had to make the effort to travel to see them. They couldn’t be bothered to come and visit me at my house when invited, in fact they didn’t even respond. They didn’t put any effort in or support me when I had some mental health issues and challenges during my second pregnancy. I know now that it wasn’t the friendship I thought it was and I don’t bother with them anymore. It hurt for a while and sometimes still does, but I’m not wasting anymore of my energy on people that don’t really care about me. From what you have said I would have a think about this friendship and decide if it is one that enriches your life, or if it just takes energy from you. Best wishes.

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 23/10/2019 19:44

Oh OP. I totally get you. At Uni I was part of a trio, we were inseparable and I love them dearly, still to this day. However they are more similar as people, they both went on to have identical careers and throughout our time at uni they had similar tastes in everything and similar personalities so they always seemed closer. Now we've all moved away they live far closer to one another and I know they have done visits and not told me, even though I'm always the one trying to get us to meet up.

I want to cry for you because I understand that feeling of being left out and the hurt it causes. I felt childish at first for thinking that way but realised my feelings are valid, as are yours.

Take a step back, I now have other friends and someone who is closer to me than a sister. I still love them two and keep in occasional contact but simply can't put myself through the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that being around them sometimes makes me feel

Good luck OP, I can guarantee you're a wonderful person and your friends are just bitches. They can have each other!

Mikki77 · 23/10/2019 19:44

Ouch! Friend A is crap. Shes basically cancelled for a better deal - as she sees it.
BUT friend B is worse, she's a USER. Get rid of her, she can ask someone else for parent advice and support.
They are not your friends. Who does this to a friend when they know she is going through a tough time?
Unfortunately I've been on the recieving end and trust me no friends is better than shit ones. Saying that widen your circle, make new friends and associates. I joined an art class. And no they're not my best friends but we laugh in class together, go out for drinks together and support each other as best we can.
I know it hard and you feel hurt and bruised but trust me you will come out stronger..x

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread