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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend A cancelling for a better offer with friend B. AIBU?

146 replies

KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 22/10/2019 18:50

I have two friends, I’ll call them A and B. We studied and lived together for a few years in our teens/20s and are still close 20+ years later. I had DC many years before they did so I would say they grew closer as friends for a time as they were still doing clubbing, Ibiza hols etc while I had babies.

Now friend B has small children so she has been coming to me for advice a lot more. The dynamics have changed a lot as I’ll see friend B with the kids sometimes but I’ll also see A as we like going to the same gigs. And sometimes we meet altogether.

I’ve been quite down for a while due to various things (I’m having counselling) and friends have been very supportive up until now. Friend A and I had tickets to a concert that was booked early this year. Friend B not particularly into the band so it was just the two of us. The show is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Both friend A and B popped round for a few glasses of wine yesterday and I mentioned the concert coming up, and was looking forward to it, and I’ve had to take an annual leave day for it as I was due to work that evening. Friend A looks awkward and then says she can no longer go as she’s away for that weekend. Is very cagey about where she’s going.

I was quite surprised and said that She hadn’t given me much notice to cancel, but shit happens, I then said “hey friend B, I know you’re not really into that band but would you take the ticket and come with me?” and then she looked awkward and explained that she was going on the weekend away with A and a bunch of our other mutual friends and all their partners for B’s birthday.

I couldn’t help but feel crushed as I sat in my living room knowing that not only had the original plans been tossed aside but I had hardly been given any notice to find another friend to go with (it’s not a pop act, it’s more niche I guess). No mention of a refund or giving me the tickets. And of course the realisation that I hadn’t been invited on the weekend away which did sting, I must admit. B’s children are going on the weekend so it’s not an adult only thing.

The following morning I was still really upset about it and sent a message saying I didn’t think it was right to blow out the concert without bothering to tell me. Friend A has apologised and sent me the money for my ticket back.
Friend B acknowledges it was handled badly as they were sat in my front room and it was awkward but essentially doesn’t see a problem with A’s change of plans.

AIBU to think this has been a reality check and we aren’t as good friends as I thought we were? I feel so sad and rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 22/10/2019 19:15

I can’t bear it, they were closer to me than my own family In my teen years. I didn’t have a great childhood and although they never knew it at the time they got me through some tough years. These days they know I’ve had a rough time and came round for a hand hold. When they left I felt worse than ever.

I think I just don’t factor very high on their list. That’s just the way it is. I shall have to keep them at arms length.

OP posts:
TimeforanotherChange · 22/10/2019 19:19

That's nasty. I would distance myself from the pair of them and just politely reply, 'No thanks,' to any future invites. I would point out to them if pushed, 'I was actually really hurt by how the pair of you treated me - arranging to go away with mutual friends, leaving me out and A cancelling something I'd looked forward to without a word. To be honest it's made me re-evaluate our friendship'.

hardyloveit · 22/10/2019 19:26

Have you asked B why you didn't get an invite to the weekend plans??

I'd be crushed if I was in your shoes. Such shitty behaviour from them both!!

Jimmers · 22/10/2019 19:26

That’s really shitty of them. It’s up to you whether you want to maintain a relationship with them. Personally I’d be reevaluating how available I made myself to then in future Flowers

Original poster
KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 22/10/2019 19:26

It was also mentioned by A that she has hardly seen her DP recently so wanted to spend time with him at the weekend away. She says she forgot to tell me. I think she didn’t tell me because she didn’t know how to tell me where she was going.

Friend B did offer to ‘squeeze me in’ to the air bnb if I was pissed off but she said she doesn’t see what the big deal is, as I go to gigs with A sometimes and B does things with me sometimes. Which is fair enough. I think its the combination of the two things and me finding out in such an awkward way.

OP posts:
Jimmers · 22/10/2019 19:26

*them not then

Jimmers · 22/10/2019 19:28

Oh nice! So they’re now gaslighting you for their shitty behaviour too!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 22/10/2019 19:28

Bitches.

Did Friend B offer any explanation as to why you weren’t invited to her birthday, as she sat in your house guzzling wine?

Bellringer · 22/10/2019 19:29

Nasty. Sorry for you op. You deserve better.

Original poster
KentuckyBourbonWhiskey · 22/10/2019 19:30

Thanks all for agreeing with me. It has validated how I feel about it.

I have definitely supported them both recently with things they’ve each had going on, I might have to reconsider how much time I give to them. What a shame, we have so many years of friendship.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 22/10/2019 19:36

Another one chiming in to say you are totally entitled to feel like this and I would have too. I have found, through low periods in my life, that you really find out who your real friends are. Unfortunately, I don't think these two make the cut. and B's excuse sucks balls - a birthday weekend away is totally different to a gig etc

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2019 19:37

Of course it is a big deal because this is for B’s birthday. It’s completely different from going out for the evening to a gig. Flowers

Do you have any other good friends?

MaMaMaMySharona · 22/10/2019 19:39

I’m absolutely appalled by this! Not only not inviting you to the weekend away, but also to make you feel like you don’t deserve to be hurt by it? I’d be really upset if my friends did this, you’re perfectly right in how you feel.

I would cut them out entirely, they don’t deserve you at all.

Ohyesiam · 22/10/2019 19:39

Ouch. That would have really hurt me.
So sorry opFlowers

Upanddownandroundagain · 22/10/2019 19:39

I’d be right up for arguments with both of them. I’d tell them both that they’ve really upset you and that you obviously don’t mean much to them. Even now they aren’t saying sorry are they. So childish of them.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 22/10/2019 19:42

Awful behaviour on their part.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 19:47

It's worse because it was for her birthday I think, that you weren't invited to celebrate it with them. It is shitty and sly of them

TimeforanotherChange · 22/10/2019 19:53

I'd be so angry at the offer to squeeze me in to the air bnb if I'm pissed off - it makes you sound such an afterthought and as though you are being a total pain about it. Is there any kind of wording that could imply you are less welcome?

So rude - and after you've been supportive to her. I'm really sorry OP. B in particular sounds horrid.

eddielizzard · 22/10/2019 19:58

Wow that's really shitty. Mostly of friend B, but friend A has also let you down. I never understand why people do these hurtful things when they know the friendship will be irrevocably damaged.

Boysey45 · 22/10/2019 20:00

I'd either ditch them both outright or in future just have a very casual light chatting relationship with them. So if you saw then in the street you would pass the time of day etc.
I would be upset because its a very mean thing they have done and they know that as well. Decent people do not treat people they care about like this. I'm sorry OP but these women are not close friends.

Roundtoedshoes · 22/10/2019 20:02

That’s awful OP. I would expect better behaviour from teenagers.

B wasn’t embarrassed - she was probably sheepish as she was caught out and had to lamely mention gigs (that are of no interest to her). They probably wouldn’t have mentioned it at all if it hadn’t come up. Sly cows!

Geschwister4 · 22/10/2019 20:03

I think most would be upset by this OP. It is just the casual way they gave you no consideration at all. I would certainly not be having much to do with either of them now, friend B can find someone else to ask for advice. Cheeky cow!

peanacat · 22/10/2019 20:03

That’s horrible OP, and I would be upset too. I read it out to my DP as I thought it was such a shitty situation and he thought maybe the mutual friends that are also going on the weekend could be the culprits as to your lack of invite? Both A and B seem to like you otherwise why would they come round for wine?

I do understand that you feel hurt though and I shamefully probably would’ve flipped my lid at them if they had acted like this!

YorkshirePud1 · 22/10/2019 20:03

Oh that's horrible. I'd be really hurt by this too, that's just not how friends treat each other.

CAG12 · 22/10/2019 20:04

Wow this is so rude of them. This has happened to me before and I really struggled to see them as real 'friends' afterwards and we ended up drifting apart.